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'The Fosters' fan recap: Down on the pharm

Season 2 | Episode 16 | “If You Only Knew” | Aired Feb 16, 2015

Apologies, friends! I’m so sorry I missed our weekly rehash of all things The Fosters last week. It’s probably for the best, though: If I had recapped last week’s episode, it would have just been an entire post in which I listed the 100 reasons why Mariana Adams-Foster is a queen and we should all bow down. Although wildly entertaining and full of truths the world may not be ready for, that’s not much of a recap.

Lucky for us, “If You Only Knew” features more of Mariana basically being a boss, and we’ll touch on that. First though, let’s get all that Callie business out of the way, because she’s really bringing me down.

Last we left poor Callie, er—Poor Callie, let’s be honest—she had just called for backup in the form of the man, the myth, the legend: Robert Quinn (I’ll never not love Kerr Smith, you guys. Don’t ask me to.).

If you recall, during The Fosters Christmas special, Callie and Brandon helped Daphne when she kidnapped her daughter Tasha for the afternoon. Turns out the only evidence the police have regarding the kidnapping is a tiny toy Daphne gave to Tasha, and this toy can be traced back to … you guessed it: Poor Callie.

The cops need Callie to rat on Daphne, but she keeps quiet. Robert Quinn advises Callie to keep all the details to herself; otherwise, anyone who knows anything (especially a cop, like Stef!) could get in trouble because kidnapping is SERIOUS (I actually mean that). I don’t know if I agree with RQ telling his daughter to keep such a big problem a secret from Stef and Lena (and therefore making her feel alone and trapped), but also, I love him?

Daphne has no idea the cops are questioning Callie as she preps for her first legal visitation with Tasha. Nonetheless, she’s worried Tasha will recognize her as her kidnapper. Well, she should be worried. During the visit, Tasha’s foster mother shows up beside herself, screaming that she knows Daphne took Tasha—and she’ll prove it.

Callie finally comes clean about the investigation, and gives her friend the same warning RQ gave Callie: keep quiet. The walls are closing in on Poor Callie, and when she vaguely confides in Rafael, the cute guy from the youth center (we’re all shipping this, right?), he tells her she should be honest with her moms. Thinking about the possible repercussions of doing that, however, scare Callie even more. In the end, out of fear, she decides the best course of action is to declare she’ll be moving in with Robert Quinn. POOR CALLIE.

Meanwhile, Someone’s Little Sister is prepping for a gig at a pharm party. What’s a pharm party, you ask? It is not, as I believed for half of the episode, a nice gathering of teenagers within a barnlike setting, but rather a party in an abandoned warehouse where the price of admission is 10 bucks and one prescription drug of your choosing. Is this a thing? Has it always been a thing? Was I just a huge nerd in high school? Don’t answer that.

At first, Brandon is hesitant because, to be frank, passing around a jar full of mystery pills sounds hella stupid and dangerous. However, he’s swayed once Mat tells him the band has agreed to donate all of their earnings from the gig to B’s “I need to stay in motels in order to be allowed on tour” fund. To add more things to B’s list of concerns about playing a pharm party, Mariana’s tagging along as well.

After a rousing debate about feminism with the bouncer (reason 101 on my aforementioned list) and some time with Mat, Mariana needs to tend to her contacts in the bathroom (Mariana just recently started wearing glasses/contacts and is trying to keep that a secret from Mat because GOD FORBID). Mariana gets to work on her eyes in the storage unit turned bathroom when she accidentally gets locked in—with a girl who is passed out and having seizures.

Since Mat can’t help her, as Someone’s Little Sister has just started their set, our queen Mariana calls both Callie and 911 for help. That’s right, she knew that meant the police would bust the party but she called anyway because it was the right choice. Man, I love when teenagers aren’t dumb.

Back at home, B lays into Mariana for not “being able to handle” that kind of party and uses it as an example why she shouldn’t be allowed on tour with them. Mariana stands by her decision (you go, girl), and anyway it turns out that B is actually mad at Lou for taking one of the mystery drugs at the party and messing up during their set. Don’t worry, those cutie-pies make nice later.

Regardless, Mat confesses that he doesn’t want Mariana on tour with them either. He tells her that this tour is his dream, and if Mariana is there it’ll be a distraction because he loves her; when Mariana is in the room, she always has his “undivided attention.” The adult in me wants to scream, “Don’t believe him! It’s just a sleazy line!” The teenager in my heart is just exploding with joy. So, we’ll see if Mat is really as great as he seems. Our queen deserves only the best.

In other family news:

  • Jesus gets an offer to attend a prestigious all-boys school with a top-tier wrestling team on a scholarship. Take the offer, Jesus. You and your Hayley-riddled body aren’t going to get much better than that.
  • We should all take a moment to acknowledge what a huge deal it is to have a scene between two women in a long-term, committed relationship talking about keeping their sex life alive while holding each other in bed on a network like ABC Family. Also, Stef doesn’t like Mexican or Thai food before sex. THAT’S GOOD ADVICE, FOLKS.
  • Next week: Rosie’s back!

The Fosters airs Mondays at 8/7C on ABC Family.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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