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'New Girl' fan recap: Crazy mother nutter

Season 4 | Episode 15 | “The Crawl” | Aired Feb 10, 2015

Valentine’s Day episodes have always been eventful on New Girl, and this one did not disappoint. When all the loftmates are together making mischief, the end result is always a hearty mixture of wacky shenanigans with a sweet, poignant undertone. I absolutely love the camaraderie. When one is down, the others rally. This time, it’s Nick. He’s covered in gravy and clearly hurting because of his breakup with Kai. There’s only one solution: a pub crawl.

Nick has been holed up in his room for a week, planning the coup de grâce of all pub crawls. To Schmidt’s delight, he’s also embraced the comic strip Cathy, but that’s neither here nor there. What’s important is that the blessed event is happening tonight and attendance is mandatory. Jess and Ryan push their romantic dinner date to a later reservation, Winston takes off work, Schmidt promises to bring his political friend Fawn to the festivities, while Cece and Coach are along for the ride.

The Irish Pub
The night begins at O’Malley’s. Cece vows to outdrink Nick, Coach tries to pick up a girl named May (Meaghan Rath) using a cheesy line, and Winston arranges the contents of his survival backpack. There’s no word on whether he will have to use the small stick, but I am excited to see.

Ryan and Jess share a booth, pretending to drink so they won’t be wasted when they sneak off to their superfancy dinner. Earlier we learned that “Jyan” is still a source of tension at Coolidge Middle School, so Ryan is going to look for another teaching position elsewhere. He’s so anxious that he and Jess won’t see enough of each other that he invites her to move in with him. She pretends she didn’t hear and follows the conga line to bar number two.

New Girl

The Tiki Hut
Jess takes to the Tiki Hut bathroom to make a pro/con list with Cece. Pros: She loves Ryan, his house, and his accent. Con: His toaster is super old. Cece agrees with the faceless lady in the bathroom stall—move in with the English chap and listen to him say “raccoon” all day long!

Meanwhile, Ryan refuses to drown his sorrows in a flaming concoction accented with umbrellas because he promised Jess he wouldn’t drink. Nick threatens to murder him for ruining the crawl. You can’t fight it. It’s like a hurricane. Drink for your country. Drink for the USA. And drink for the dude who got kicked in the gooch by Valentine’s Day. The crawl is for all!

The Karaoke Bar
Not only did the crawl find its motto, it also found its theme song. As Nick and Winston change the lyrics of “My Girl” to “Bar Crawl,” Coach encounters May again! When she gets carded for ordering a dumb drink (gimlet), Coach notices her Kansas driver’s license. He has one too! They are both Army brats and lived in North Caroline and Germany about a year apart from each other. It seems that fate has destined them to finally run into each other on Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry, May. Winston has a female condom if you need it. Ack!

And he has a bottle of water for Cece, who is currently hugging porcelain as Schmidt holds her hair, reminiscing about their first Valentine’s Day three years ago.

Schmidt: That’s when you first took a chance on me. We humped until the sun came up. We did all the things R. Kelly raps about.

Across town at the restaurant, Jess apologizes to Ryan for pretending not to hear him. He admits that asking her to move in with him out of the blue in a crowded bar was not the best idea. As it turns out, Jess is all in! She agrees to move in with him.

The Bar Where Nick Miller Works
There’s a New Girl wiki page that says the name of this bar is Clyde’s. This seems sketchy, so I omitted it as an official title. Regardless, the crawl has reached the bar and Winston has decided to ask the question on everyone’s mind: What’s up with Cece and Schmidt? Just as Cece claims that she doesn’t have any feelings for Schmidt (LIAR), Fawn walks in. She may be cold, tired, sober, and wearing her strapless bra like a belt, but she knows what she wants, and that’s Schmidt. Also a commuter lane to Costa Mesa, but who’s counting?

New Girl

Back at the loft, Ryan gets a call from Wellington Prep School. They have offered him his dream job of being their headmaster. He tells Jess that he’s not going to take it, but she insists that they can make a long-distance relationship work. What a great way to catch up on podcasts! Ryan gives her a sweet nod, but the writing is on the wall. Say goodbye to the hot teacher, everyone. I will miss his face.

Just outside, Coach sees May getting into a taxi. At Winston’s encouragement (read: slap on the face), he asks May for her number. She gives him her email address instead, prompting him to write something touching, using full sentences, proper grammar, and no pictures. May I add that emoticons are strictly forbidden?

Doug’s Ale House
Once Nick reaches the final destination of the crawl, his mood darkens. The reality of the finish line, coupled with the sadness of missing Kai, makes him crack a bit. Once again, the loftmates pepper him with compliments, including his weird Manson-esque charisma that drew loners along for the crawl in the first place. Nick ascends the stairs to drink the final beer, but the bouncer stops him from entering because he isn’t wearing any shoes. Stupid squirrels. Thank goodness Winston stashed a couple of sixers in his backpack. Winnie’s Bar is open for business!

New Girl Notables

Fawn to Schmidt: I can’t make the pub crawl, but there is a photo shoot tomorrow. I need you to look as Mexican as possible.

Ryan: I’m sorry I asked you to move in with me out of the blue. What kind of nutter does that?
Jess: The craziest mother nutter in the whole damn place!

“You’re like a black Mary Poppins.” —Coach to Winston after he pulls beer from his backpack.

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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