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'Family Guy' fan recap: Peter's real first name is Justin

Season 13 | Episode 10 | “Quagmire’s Mom” | Aired Feb 8, 2015

Peter tries to write a check, but realizes his checkbook is actually a blank pad of Post-its. Lois takes Peter to the bank to open his first checking account. He’s asked for his photo ID and birth certificate, where Lois and Peter discover Peter’s first name is actually Justin.

“I’m a Justin? This is awesome! It changes everything!” And just like that, Peter creates a surfer-Bieber alter ego, scooting away on a tiny bike. with a backward baseball cap. At once, Peter starts living a “kewl Justin lifestyle.”

He starts wearing puka shells, riding skateboards, and using lots of “abbreves.” It isn’t pretty, but Lois claims it’s not as bad as his karaoke phase. (Cut to: Peter waiting out the entire never-ending opening bars of “Baba O’ Riley” by The Who.


After one of Peter’s “Justin” parties, Glenn hooks up with Keira, a high school girl. The next day, the cops confront him about having sex with a minor. “I don’t want to go to jail, but I really want to take credit,” Quagmire says. They arrest him for statutory rape. “Take him away, we’ve got all the awesome evidence we need,” said Joe, upon receiving cell phone pics of Keira.

Peter agrees to be a character witness for Quagmire in court, using all the justice victories he’s seen in movies and TV. “As we know from Game of Thrones, if the girl has had her blood, she is good to go.” Joe also fails as a character witness, getting tongue-tied when he admits Quagmire gave Keira a “Frosty Jim.”

So Glenn takes the stand to represent himself. We learn his father was an absent military man and his mother was unnaturally promiscuous. He learned his ABCs from all the names of men his mother slept with, from Art to Zeke. He even missed his prom, while one of his classmates asked his mother to be his prom date.

“My misguided carnal instincts are the result of being raised by a sexual deviant,” Quagmire desperately tells the judge. “All I’m asking is you give me the break my childhood never did.”

Just as the judge sentences him to 20 years in prison, Quagmire’s mother, Crystal, rushes to his defense.


Crystal is voiced by the ever-wonderful Allison Janney, but here, she’s written as a boring born-again Christian. A good deal of dialogue is wasted on her renouncing her sinful past, asking mercy for her son and forgiveness from Quagmire for being a bad mother. It’s not very interesting.

Still, “Quagmire’s Mom” is a good episode, thanks entirely to the mid-scene side comments made by unaffected parties. Here are the top five quotes:

  1. “Your heartbeart is weird; it is not consistent at all,” Stewie to Peter, as he’s being squashed against his chest for a “skin-on-skin” hug.
  2. “You know what I tried today? A fig,” Stewie to Quagmire, after Quagmire is summoned to court.
  3. “Dairy Queen closes in 10 minutes,” Stewie to Brian, when court goes for too long.
  4. “Do you know I’m carrying three handguns and the metal detectors picked up nothing?” Peter to Lois, while court is in session.
  5. “Don’t think of it as 20 years; think of it as two 10-year-olds, you sick freak,” Peter to Quagmire, when he’s sentenced to jail.

In the end, Glenn’s sentence is commuted, because Crystal had sex with the judge. Twice. Relieved and free, Glenn agrees to rekindle his relationship with his mother. “Ah, Quagmire got away with it and learned nothing,” Peter sighs, content. “That’s great.”

Insult of the week: “Does this mean you’re going to move to Europe to make movies?” Peter to Quagmire, as he goes door to door to inform his neighbors he’s a sex offender. Great Roman Polanski dig.

Cutaway of the day: In the North Pole, Mrs. Claus tells Santa Claus, “We haven’t gotten mail in a week.” Santa responds, irritated, “I—I haven’t gotten mail in a week. Nobody writes you.”

Family Guy airs Sundays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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