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'Vanderpump Rules' fan recap: Kristen's Revenge 2: Electric Boogaloo

Season 3 | Episode 13 | “Miami Vices” | Aired Jan 26, 2015

She looks like the kind of girl that Tom would pick out to have sex with in the bathroom. —Kristen

This week, Vanderpump Rules became Kristen’s own candid camera show. Instead of having people popping out of trees to scare people, she has arranged (and by that I mean the producers arranged) for Annemarie to show up at Sur to “surprise” Tom. Annemarie, if you remember, is the woman whom Tom ALLEGEDLY cheated on Ariana with on a previous off-camera trip to Miami.

Vanderpump Rules

Kristen, bless her heart, grabs a Cosmo and a metaphorical tub of popcorn to watch Tom’s reaction when he sees Annemarie. Which he does, and then walks right out of the bar and sends an S.O.S. to Ariana, and they leave together in an Uber. It was like some secret spy mission where Tom yelled out some bird call and Ariana came running as if they knew exactly what would happen. Lisa Vanderpump, of course, activated protocol alpha omega cherry six, which was caling Tom and telling him to get his ass back to work.

There’s a lot of incoherent yelling between Annemarie, Kristen, and Tom. Arian steps up to Annemarie and tells her to stop waiving her “ghetto acrylic nails” at her boyfriends. This is the most outspoken we’ve seen Ariana since … ever.

Scheana Marie

Scheana, activating protocol Everything About Me Because I Am the Only One to Get Married Ever, confronts Kristen about being an asshole when Scheana constantly defended her. This is when Scheana screeches “Listen to me!” But in fairness, it’s taken out of context, because mostly she is telling Kristen that her plan was idiotic. But she also makes it about her and her Special Wedding and how it’s in a week and how dare she cause any drama?

There’s some screaming back from Kristen, but really the best part is when Vail comes over to be part of the action and Scheana dismisses her. Diana, a Sur manager we’ve never seen before, comes outside and asks them to leave. “Walk away, Diana,” Kristen roars, and then finally, “suck a dick.” Kristen is like reality TV’s poet laureate. And she’ll also have to come up with a new plan to break up Tom and Ariana so she can “win” Tom back.Vanderpump Rules

Let’s discuss Annemarie, the “Miami Girl.” Kristen immediately insults her looks, pointing out she has too much botox. It’s such low-hanging fruit to insult her looks, and I feel bad for the show throwing Annemare to scores of Internet commenters who will truly tear her down. My only complaint is that she is wearing some wedge heels that she doesn’t know how to walk in properly.

There is a bright side: There was some great Tom Schwartz-ness in the episode! First, we get to see him at a model shoot for Santorelly suits, where is acts like a puppy dog and does anything the photographer says and loves it. We also learn that in college he was pre-med, and his parents flipped out when he told them he was going to move to Los Angeles to pursue modeling and acting. I mean, shouldn’t the parents be blaming themselves for creating such an adorable human? Why not share that with the world?

Tom Schwartz

Katie and Jax seem to be getting along, and they reflect on Katie’s tension with Stassi. “You’re Stassi’s bitch, and I’m Jax’s bitch,” Tom comments. At least he admits it. Later, he and Jax go on a date and gossip like middle schoolers, giggling about how crazy things are when they get together. They leave the bar and marvel at how hot the ladies in the bar were, and what party animals they are, and then go home at 9:15 p.m.

Worth noting that Jax is still trying to win Carmen back, and he explains his plan is to “bribe” her by wining and dining her, and “girls can be broken” and eventually he will wear down Carmen. This is appalling; apparently Jax thinks it’s called “dating.”

Friends, I truly can’t find the words right now to describe this disgusting misogyny, because watching Vanderpump Rules is about watching beautiful people and their beautiful-people problems, not reminding myself that this is what some men think is acceptable.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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