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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: The case against Stassi Schroeder

Season 3 | Episode 12 | “A Stand Against Stassi” | Aired Jan 19, 2015

If Sarah Koenig were investigating the friendship breakup of Katie and Stassi on Vanderpump Rules like she examined the Serial podcast murder case, she’d have a lot of questions for the gang at Sur. What kind of person is Stassi? Did she seem like she would cut off so many relationships? Was she ever forgiving of their mistakes?

Fortunately, the Sur-ial podcast would need only one episode, because we have all the answers right in front of us. Yes, Stassi was used to being the Queen Bee at Sur. Now that she is not there, she has less control over its staff. She has no tolerance for any act that seems to be against her, even if it wasn’t intentional. She’s basically maneuvered her way out of every friendship. Katie says it best when they meet for (a very awkward) lunch: “Not everything is about you, Stassi.”

Stassi expected Katie to come back groveling with an apology for betraying her so much, which drives me crazy. Stassi seems to put her friends through little trials to test their loyalty—and if they fail, she gives them a guilt trip. What a fun friend to have.

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I’m not sure what else Stassi has to offer the show. Her boyfriend does not want to be on camera, and she has no reason to be a part of the group anymore. Dare I say that Scheana has become the new alpha of the group? Remember, Scheana: With great power comes great responsibility.

Since we don’t have Stassi at Sur, we have new hostess Vail, who so far is Diane to Jax’s Sam Malone. Peter, Sur’s manager, gets more screen time than he ever has in his life, because he takes an interest in Vail. They go out on a coffee date, which is Vail’s version of a “just friends” date. Peter really lays it on thick; his game is staring deep into Vail’s eyes, which of course is creepy. Vail is pretty honest, too. “You’re awkward,” she tells him. Oh, these two! I can’t wait to not care about their journey as a couple.

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Vail, ecstatic that she can make the conversation about herself, blabs to Katie about how Peter is sooooo into her but is awkward. “Everyone at Sur eventually dates everyone,” she shrugs. Jax sympathizes with Peter, because their Venn diagram of who they’ve plowed at Sur has a lot of overlap. Jax recalls his terrible record, which allows us to see a brief flashback of the infamous Laura-Leigh, yelling, “You’re stuck with me until I get another job!” I really do miss her.

I’m out of words in the thesaurus or the DSM-IV manual to describe Jax’s behavior. He is back to texting Carmen, the woman he broke it off with to be with Las Vegas Tiffany, the one who bankrolled his bathroom sex in San Diego (oh, sorry, “alleged” bathroom sex). Carmen, who seems to be the smartest one on the show (yes, that includes Princeton grad Vail), doesn’t want to deal with his nonsense. We all know how Jax takes rejection, so everything should work out calmly. He takes Carmen out to lunch so that his plan will work: He’ll wine and dine her, and eventually charm her so much that he will “wear her down.” What a romantic!

Kristen, the Evil Queen, has been keeping in touch with the girl from Miami with whom Tom Sandoval allegedly cheated on Ariana. She will talk about it nonstop with anyone who is around her, even her new boyfriend, James. I’m starting to feel bad for James, who has to sit around listening to his girlfriend salivate over breaking up Tom and Ariana. Although, someone needs to have an intervention with him about his hair. Ironically, the one person who could help him with hairstyling is … Tom Sandoval.

Speaking of James, he’s still producing Scheana’s future hit single, which features Scheana rapping: “So you like me/And I like you/We can work it out/Just us two.” At least she admits she needs auto-tuning. Kristen refers to Scheana’ s rapping as porn-star rapping, which is, simply, an accurate description.

Odds and Ends:

  • Still not enough Tom Schwartz! The few minutes we see him, he is very into the leather porkpie hat he is wearing.
  • Ariana’s face watching Peter flirt with Vail was entertaining. “I don’t need to see Peter trying to get laid.”
  • Stassi has a “studio” in her apartment in which she designs all her statement necklaces. There are no chairs in this studio. “Everyone at Sur thinks I’m just a loser, but I’m really making it.” Sure.
  • Lisa sees a dog she loves and talks about making sweet, sweet love to it.
  • One of Jax’s ex-girlfriends, Rachel, is a stand-up comic who has based her whole act on Jax.

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Although this episode wasn’t as action-packed as the previous trip to Miami, it’s a bridge to next week, when “Miami girl” shows up to confront Sandoval. And we finally see the infamous scene where Scheana screeches “Listen to me!” that has been teased in the season trailer. Oh, believe me, Scheana: We are listening.

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Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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