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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: Kristen is more evil than we imagined

Season 3 | Episode 11 | “Tears Over Miami” | Aired Jan 12, 2015

“In Scheana’s world, it’s all unicorns and penis straws. In my world, Kristen is doing everything possible to ruin my trip.” —Ariana

These past two episodes of Vanderpump Rules have been so action-packed that I could write novels about it. But let’s focus on the two major issues that we really want to dive into from part two of Scheana’s bachelorette party in Miami: Tom and Kristen, and Jax’s alleged gay relationship with his old friend John.

Up until now, Tom Sandoval has been avoiding Kristen and focusing on new girlfriend Ariana, and Kristen has been the one complaining nonstop about Tom and Ariana being together. Finally, Tom and Kristen get drunk enough to have a conversation about their relationship. Yes, these people are ridiculous, but as someone who has been on their journey for three seasons, it is satisfying to see.

Tom Sandoval

For a short minute I almost feel sorry for Kristen. Then she gets that satisfied smirk when she makes Tom feel so badly he’s crying and saying he still cares about her. In her mind, she wins. Mark her words, she won’t stop until Tom and Ariana break up. Kristen is literally turning into a Disney villain. She even has the grin for it.

And Tom cries … hard. Snot running from his nose crying. Tom, you go ahead and let it out. Show your emotions—no need to be stoic. I feel for him. He’s realizing that his best friend is a sociopath, and he is trying to come to terms with breaking up with a girlfriend he was with for six years. What is this I’m feeling? Empathy?

Kristen Doute

Last episode teased that Jax and Tom are meeting up with a guy they used to know when they lived in Miami. Tom tells Ariana that there were rumors that John and Jax hooked up. John was a model scout who “discovered” Jax and took him in.

First, if Jax and John did have a relationship … so what? I don’t want to feed into any sort of shock and awe over Jax being with a man. This crew was actually pretty accepting of it—and quite frankly, no one was really surprised. Jax all but admitted earlier in the day at the pool he was a sex addict, so I am sure that anyone who paid attention to him or fed his ego would be someone he would want to sleep with.

Jax thanks John for making him who he is and starting his modeling career. I surmise that John was like a father figure to Jax when he first moved to Miami. John and Jax are playful and flirty together, but then again, Jax also spooned with the two Toms in their bed the night before. Scheana remarks, with lots of archival footage of Jax grinding on all his male friends, that his actions generally have a lot of homoerotic overtones. Can’t argue that.

Newly anointed “cool girl” Vail keeps pestering John to give her dirt on Jax so she can use it to tease and flirt with him. Ugh, give it a rest, Princeton grad, your schtick is tiring. At this rate, she’ll be the new Stassi at Sur.

Stassi Schroeder

Speaking of Stassi: This week we heard that she is done with reality television. I think we may be done with her. I wonder where she learned that from?

It’s sad that Stassi is not the queen bee she once was. Let us never forget:

Stassi hits Kristen

Other developments:

Jax looks like a completely different person in the pictures from 10 years ago. It’s almost alarming.

When Tom Sandoval is in the pictures with him, they look like a ’90s boy band.

Not enough Tom Schwartz in this episode.

Scheana and Shay are actually quite endearing as a couple.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, because I’m feeling genuine interest in these people. It just proves that if you watch something ironically long enough, it stops being ironic and actually becomes enjoyable. You got me, Vanderpump Rules!

Jax and Tom

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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