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'New Girl' recap: Relationship status

Season 4 | Episode 13 | “Coming Out” | Aired Jan 13, 2015

Relationships are hard. Especially for our New Girl loft mates. Whether navigating the tricky waters of forbidden love or tossing out ridiculous one-liners to potential honeys hoping at least one sticks, the world insists on shoving you into one of a multitude of categories. And when I say the world, I mean Facebook. It’s time to bite the bullet and commit to a relationship status.

Single and Horny
Coach is sick and tired of everyone at Coolidge Middle School pining after Ryan. Who cares if he has a gorgeous face, swoon-worthy accent, and a butt that could bounce quarters? Coach used to be reigning hottie with the body on campus and he wants his throne back. It’s time Jess and Ryan come clean so he can hook up in the supply closet.

It’s Complicated
Winston’s cop buddies gave him a special crystal as a joke to protect him on the job and now he won’t go anywhere without it. He assumes that if it can help him on the streets, it will help him in the sheets. Believe in the power of the crystal and you will be rewarded with attractive women.

In a Relationship
Jess and Ryan agree to officially come out. Jess’ principal warns her that the natives will grow restless if they detect even a small whiff of favoritism. She takes a breath, stands before the staff, and announces that she and Ryan are a full-blown couple. There is a general rustle of indignation among the crowd, but Jess distracts them with a roundtable discussion. Class field trip proposals anyone?

New Girl One teacher thinks the freaking kids would freaking love the freaking amusement park. Mrs. Roz suggests they tour the plant that takes the poop out of water to make it clear. Coach tosses out a barrage of sexual innuendos, and Biology Teacher Lorenzo suggests an interactive foliage experience.

It’s no surprise that Jess chooses Ryan’s proposal of speaking to astronauts in the space station and driving the Mars rover. This decision sends the other teacher into a tizzy, and they all make office appointments to complain. Ruth and Lorenzo offer sex in exchange for favors, because clearly Ms. Day is into that sort of thing. And Roz introduces Jess to her own boyfriend: Jack Daniels.

Jess cracks and changes her mind, agreeing to take the kids on the interactive foliage experience. She had no idea this was Lorenzo’s code for yard work. The kids form an impromptu chain gang and even though their voices are angelic, it’s clear that they are breaking every child labor law known to man. To make matters worse, Lorenzo accidentally breaks a hive. Jess is bombarded by bees. Major professional fail on several levels.

Cece encourages Jess to embraces her whelps and own her decision to date Ryan. She simply can’t please everyone, so it’s time to stop trying. Jess agrees, and once again finds herself in front of the middle-school staff. With the power of Winston’s crystal, Jess tells the teachers that she loves her job and she loves Ryan. He smiles and tells her he loves her too. Everyone swoons, including me. Coach is back at number one!

Best Bros
Nick and Kai are worried about Schmidt (hey Glen!) when he’s unable to finish a sarcastic comment without doubling over in pain. They follow him to the doctor only to discover that he’s been put on bed rest for an ulcer. Schmidt refuses to take a sick day. Like his suits, he prefers his stomach without lining and will stop at nothing to get back into work. Nick walks him through a few breathing exercises and then Kai swaddles him in a blanket like a baby. Schmidt is out like a light. After another good swaddle, so is Nick.

When he wakes up, Nick finds Schmidt in the bathroom, typing away on a word processor. Schmidt is frustrated because he’s so bored. He knows Nick has always been a physical sloth, but what happened to his mental Da Vinci-like nature? Nick fights back. What happened to the Fat Jewish Dennis Rodman he used to know who lived by his own rules instead of being the back of a horse in a two-person horse costume with his boss farting in his face all day long?

Touché, Miller. Touché.

Schmidt returns to the office, hinting to his boss that he would like more responsibility with major accounts. Schmidt’s boss says he’s the best midlevel employee she’s ever had. He’s the ass to her horse, and she wants him by her side forever. Then she pops a few of Schmidt’s ulcer pills and leaves.

Schmidt returns to the loft, admitting to Nick that he doesn’t want to sell red potatoes and Jasmine rice for the man for the rest of his life. Nick admits that he doesn’t want to be a lazy bum. He wants to be the lazy bum other bums aspire to be. Both have the idea that it would be fun to work together again and begin brainstorming ideas. Everything Nick wants to do involves robots, turkeys, and the color black.

Someone get the crystal. These boys are going to need it.

New Girl Notables

Kai: I confiscated three laptops, two tablets, and an e-reader. Oh, and a satellite phone with a condom taped to it.
Schmidt: My earthquake kit?

Winston: This crystal gives you the courage to do the one thing you’re scared of the most.
Coach: Mine would be country music line dancing.

Winston: Hey Nick! You’re up early. Before noon! Wait, is this sleepwalk Nick? I love him! He pays me back the money sleeping Nick owes me!

Jess: These kids need to get out into nature. Emily saw a butterfly and said, “OMG! Country lice can fly!”

Nick’s great idea: A water bottle with the top cut off!
Schmidt: That’s just a cup.

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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clearfix"> <div class="padded"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article__letter-grade"> <span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span> <p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it an <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> </div> <!-- Bottom Recirc --> <div class="bottom-recirc padded-mobile "> <div class="component outbrain clearfix " data-action="outbrain-component"> <div class="OUTBRAIN " data-src="http://ew.com//article/2000/04/14/000/" data-widget-id="AR_24" data-ob-template="ew" > </div> </div> <interaction data-token="59d54344f64720010063394c" data-context="true" data-tags="" data-fallback="true"></interaction> <div class="component feed clearfix bottom-recirc" data-endpoint="/element-api/content-proxy/documents"data-request-data="%7B%22count%22%3A6%2C%22crops%22%3A%22thumbnail%2Cmarquee_large_2x%2Capp_list_thumbnail_2x%22%2C%22page%22%3A2%2C%22types%22%3A%22article%2Cgallery%2Crecipe%22%7D"data-partial="tile"data-variation="bottom-recirc"data-flair-size="30"data-type="feed"data-title="You May 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