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'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' recap: A mother's worst nightmare

Season 1 | Episode 7 | “Rule #67: Don’t Kill the Princess” | Aired Jan 13, 2015

Many of my fellow Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce fans can sympathize: I ship Abby and Jake so hard, so last week’s cliffhanger was a dream come true. My dreams were quickly crushed, however, as this week’s episode, “Don’t Kill the Princess,” barely even acknowledges Jake and Abby’s hookup.

The big thing happening this week is bratty Lilly’s 14th birthday party. The entire episode is infused with her teenage petulance, and it poisons everything. Before you get all judgy (I can feel your side-eyes on me), I’m not child bashing; I’m fictional-child bashing, because, let’s face it, Lilly is a giant jerk.Abby and Jake revisit the past on

We don’t have the joy of knowing her, like Abby did, when she was a cute little girl, crushing on Princess Jasmine, wearing tiaras, and NOT making her parents’ lives miserable. Lilly’s episode-long tantrum started when she announced that Becca Riley (CW actress and Jake’s new girlfriend) RSVP’d yes to her party. Abby’s taco truck looks completely lame in comparison to a real-life CW star, and Lilly is thrilled that her “best friend” will be at her party.

Abby throws a dud party which takes a weird turn on

Abby, on the other hand, isn’t as happy about the cameo, but she can’t really decide how to approach it. Of course, Delia and Phoebe want her to crush the idea, but Abby is conflicted about what’s best. Abby takes the passive-aggressive route and confronts Jake, but her beef is not really with Becca (well, maybe a little).

Abby is fretting about her encounter with Jake (like we all are). Apparently they didn’t use protection (Um … hello, people. Seriously?) and there’s a chance Abby might be pregnant. One trip to the gyno later and Abby is sliding down a rabbit hole of maybe-baby, and we don’t get any resolution tonight. I guess they’re saving it for the finale. This storyline is far too daytime-soapy to be up to GG2D‘s standards, and frankly, I’m a little insulted the writers are asking me to buy into this. Even Jake and Abby’s heartfelt conversation doesn’t get me on board. I just want this to go away, so I can pretend it didn’t happen.

Jake and Becca sort thru their relationship on

Thankfully, there is enough drama otherwise to keep me distracted. The above-mentioned party is fodder for a few super-juicy scenes; Jake argues with Abby about it, and she tells him outright he must uninvite Becca. This, in turn, leads to a heated conversation between Jake and Becca in which Becca pretty much uninvites herself.

Jake does an excellent job of redeeming himself of his previous douchbaggery and acts like a real grown-up—something he hasn’t really done so far. This scene serves to show us the incredible gap that separates Becca and Jake in their relationship. Becca is so young and wants something serious. Ironically, she tells Jake she wants babies too. Predictably, they break up (after she learns of his night with Abby), so maybe my hopes of Abby and Jake reconciling aren’t too off base.

The party itself is every mother’s nightmare. Abby breaks down and invites Becca, under pressure from both Jake and Lilly, but Becca doesn’t show in time to keep the girls from soaking tampons in vodka and putting them in their lady bits (to save on calories, duh). Imagine a dozen 14-year-old girls jumping in the pool to find relief from their burning girl-business.

While the party from hell gave me a chuckle, it also gave Becca a little insight into Jake and Abby’s performance as a parenting team. She feels left out, and I have to admit, Jake treats her like a side piece, even though he claims to be serious about her. His dismissive attitude wears on me a little, and his snootiness at directing an episode of her show is terribly off-putting. When his gig with Joseph Gordon-Levitt falls through, apparently so does his pride. He doesn’t waste anytime using Becca’s name to get a meeting at The CW.

The rest of the ladies are doing their own thing as well. Last week’s Lyla storyline was solved with the wave of a magic wand. She did not, in fact, steal her children and flee the law. She instead moved to Oregon with her boys and convinced Dan to come along. She even found him a job. How convenient for her. I feel cheated out of a real goodbye with Lyla. She was my favorite of the girlfriends.

Phoebe announces a new self at the party on

Phoebe gets dumped, again, by her ex-husband, but not before he pays her for sex with a beautiful diamond necklace. He’s ending their arrangement because he’s serious about someone else, and much to Phoebe’s chagrin, she is a very successful businesswoman. Of course, this would make Phoebe self-conscious, since the closest she’s come to success is not killing a baby. This prompts Phoebe to declare the birth of a “new Phoebe,” and I’m really trying to care. The writers need to decide what to do with her character, and they need to do it quickly. I am becoming bored with her one-dimensional, free-love, spirited-hippie vibe. Enough is enough.

Delia gives Abby advice on

Since Delia is now officially one of the girlfriends with Lyla’s departure, I’ll catch you up on her, begrudgingly. She’s sleeping with a client, and their sexual chemistry is weird. He oozes an aggressive charm that confuses my senses. I can’t tell if he’s trying to separate her from her panties or get her to sign a lease on a new Porsche. She’s got some work to do to make me care about her as much as I did about Lyla, but I’ll admit: I’m intrigued.

I’m interested to hear what y’all think about this pregnancy business. What’s your opinion?

Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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