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'Archer' season premiere recap: I smell toast!

Season 6 | Episode 1 | “The Holdout” | Aired Jan 8, 2014

Nothing like relaxing on the couch, watching my big-screen TV, and sipping on a cool glass of Cobra whiskey. What’s Cobra whiskey? I’m glad you asked. Season 6 of Archer kicks off with everyone’s favorite drunken superspy asleep in a destroyed hotel room. He awakes to a call from Mallory Archer, and after a quick voice-mail gag, learns that he’s needed for a new mission.

A plane has crashed in Borneo with top-secret info stored on its computer, and the CIA wants it back. Now that ISIS is no more (thanks, terrorists!), Sterling and the gang are freelancing for the CIA. Lana gets in a quick word or two about the baby, Archer disappearing, and a jab about lady-boy hookers. To no one’s surprise, there are lady-boy hookers in Archer’s dingy hotel shower … OR ARE THEY? We never find out for sure.

Archer: There’s an extra 20 grand if you’re genetic females.

*towel drop*

Archer: Super.

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Back at IS—I mean, the CIA Freelancers Something Something, everyone is gathered for the unveiling of the new office. Cheryl and Pam were in charge of the $10 million renovation, and they did not disappoint. The futuristic office comes complete with a flying drink tray … and it’s a hologram. The office is exactly the same! Absolutely perfect moment for Cheryl’s character here. She continues to create maximum frustration for Mallory at quite a high price tag. The one change she did make? It’s a copy machine named Milton that makes toast. How do they still trust Cheryl to do anything ever? Amazing.

After landing in the jungles of Borneo, Archer runs into Ken, a Japanese World War II vet who thinks the war is still going on. Because of course he does! Personally, I would’ve loved a Godzilla joke or two here, but I digress. Archer and Ken have a well-choreographed fight scene, followed by Archer whipping out his cell phone to prove the war is over. He’s still forced to take an angry Ken prisoner, but doesn’t want him to think he’s racist. While they’re marching through the brush to continue the plane search, Archer falls into a booby-trapped hole. Spike through foot. Boom goes the dynamite.

Back at IS—I mean, Mallory Archer’s Fun Time Spy Jamberoo, the gang is still touring the fully restored-to-boring office. Even the stains are the same! Although according to Pam, certain stains only “resemble fudge.” GUH-ROSS. After claiming she needs urinal cakes from a supply closet, Pam ducks away into a secret Japanese bathhouse hidden within the office that Krieger is soaking in. Pam disrobes. Krieger comments on her pubic hair, which is shaved into a lightning bolt with the letters TCB (Taking Care of Business). We don’t actually see this pubic piece of art because imagination. Actually, don’t use your imagin… too late.

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After downing a bottle of pain pills for his freshly gored foot, Archer passes out. He awakes to see Ken using his cell phone to catch up on the past 70 years. Surprise! He didn’t know about Hiroshima. Single tear. Archer assures him everything is peaches and cream between their countries now, and they’re back on the hunt for the plane. They fight off Communist insurgents, grab the computer, yadda yadda yadda, and meet the extraction team on the beach. Before leaving the island, though, Archer shows empathy (for reals?) and calls Ken’s wife, who I assume is 100 years old. The extraction team tries to rush him, and Archer promptly fills the escape boat with bullets. “Give us a moment, Captain Shitnuts!” Good ol’ Sterling Archer.

The episode ends with Archer back at the office arguing with Lana over their newborn daughter, Abijean. Worst. Name. Ever. They go back and forth about sperm stealing, the baby’s name, where’s Archer been, blah, blah, blah. Mallory then complains about the office renovation for the millionth time, and Sterling reveals it was mostly his idea. He hates change. HA!

Milton rolls in and pops out some toast to close a delightful season premiere. I’ll admit I wasn’t huge fan of last season, when the show was dubbed Archer Vice. I’d heard rumors the writers had become a bit bored with the show’s recurring themes and wanted to freshen it up. Mission accomplished? This season, however, we appear to be back to classic Archer, which is fine by me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Cobra whiskey waiting for me in my hotel room. Don’t tell my wife.

Archer airs Thursdays at 10/9C on FX.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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