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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: Miami, you've got style

Season 3 | Episode 10 | “Bachelorette Beach Party” | Aired Jan 5, 2015

SHAY: This is really setting in now.
SCHEANA: I know. We’re getting married, like … for real.
SHAY: That’s wild.

And thus commences the Vanderpump Rules gang’s adventures in Miami for Scheana and Shay’s joint bachelor/bachelorette party! Cue packing montage! Everyone packs too much! Tom Sandoval packs a lot of makeup! Jokes about Tom Sandoval packing more than his girlfriend! Just like a Pixar film, sometimes our protagonists have to take a long journey away from home to realize the lessons that need to be learned were always right in front of them the whole time. In other words, without those pesky job responsibilities at Sur, they really had a lot more time to delve into their relationships with each other.

“If Kristen was a superhero, her power is to destroy fun.”

Kristen mostly mopes around everyone and tries to make Ariana uncomfortable. At a girls’ dinner, she ever-so-conveniently leaves her phone unlocked when she goes to the bathroom, so Vail can look at it and report the texts she’s been sending with James over at the guys’ night. It’s mostly about how Tom cheated on Ariana with someone in Miami that … oh, forget it, we’ve heard enough about that.

Lifting the Vail

Speaking of our favorite hostess/Princeton alum, she spends much of the beginning of the episode pondering why she was invited (Answer: Because you’re on this show) and how she can break into the gang since she is known as the new girl. Apparently, she feels like she needs to pass some sort of mean-girl gang initiation, so she is the one who reads Kristen’s phone when she is in the bathroom. It’s a really nasty move, but it does make everyone see her as a valued conduit of drama.

Later, she and Jax have a drunken conversation in which Jax insists on telling her how much of a horrible man he is. It works according to plan, as Vail tells him “You’re hard not to love!” Jax V.O.’s that “I’m like poison. Apparently Vail wants poison … in her vagina.” Hey, now, let’s give credit to Jax: He’s using the actual anatomical phrase. Jax also has vaginas on the brain (LITERALLY!) because later on, Katie tells him, “Your [forehead] scar looks like a vagina!”

Jax and Vail

The Tom Tom Club

The Toms were going to adorably stay together in a room, but Jax is crashing with them because he conveniently told his supposed girlfriend Tiffany not to come on the trip. Jax further antagonizes them by immediately hogging the shower and pressing his butt cheeks against the see-through wall of the shower, and doing some ball swinging that has nothing to do with sports, if you know what I mean. It’s pixelated out, but barely. So, there’s a present for the audience. Or a burden, depending on how you feel.

The boys wear matching shirts for the boat party:

At first I thought, “Oh, look, how cute, they’re wearing ironic tees.” My second thought was, “It’s true. They are actually being paid by Bravo to party.” Tom Schwartz is mostly back to being his adorable self, but Tom Sandoval is really getting sick of Jax’s nonsense. Out on the boat, Jax tells him gleefully how he’s been texting both Tiffany and Carmen and telling them to get on a plane. Tom is not impressed.

Tom also calls him out later about hooking up with a girl in San Diego, and Jax denies it. Jax’s plan is this: If someone calls him out on something, he will immediately call out that person on their exploits. So, essentially, he is blackmailing people into hanging out with him. Tom is really questioning his friendship with Jax, and ponders a world where he and Tom Schwartz can just be left alone to cuddle.

I am so happy that Scheana can remember her nuptials for years to come by watching Tom Sandoval pour champagne on his girlfriend, Ariana, while she gyrates.

I mean no sarcasm. These people are enragingly attractive. I’m glad Scheana has hours of footage to look at how attractive she and her friends looked during her wedding festivities.

Oh, Scheana

And what’s up with the woman of the hour? Scheana seems genuinely happy and wants everyone to get along. If you blinked, you may have missed them, but Scheana did bring other friends along on the trip besides the Sur-vers … one being her mother. Yes, her mother is at a party that features drinking, dares to “motorboat a D,” and general debauchery. During the day they party on a boat, and Scheana notes that everyone is getting along and having fun because Stassi is not with them. She has a point. Even Kristen and James seem to be having fun.

I want to talk endlessly about how Scheana looked and dressed for the boat party, because she looked bangin’. Her high-waisted white bottoms and corset-esque top with the captain’s hat looked amazing. Scheana killed it. And other metaphors for looking fantastic.

Miami bitches!!! 👯☁️⚡️ #scheanashaybachpartay

A post shared by Scheana (@scheana) on

Pandora Station

Please do not lose sleep worrying who is actually working at Pump and Sur while the kids are away. Lisa’s daughter Pandora is taking over as manager. There’s not much to say about that here because Pandora is a competent manager who gets things done, holds people accountable, and has a good relationship with her mother. Move along—nothing more to see here!

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the best part of the episode: On the boat, the gang play charades, only they have to act out different Sur-vers, past and present. This could have gone into dangerous territory, but they keep it light, and the imitations of Peter and Tom Schwartz are dead-on. Katie does a high-pitch impression of former server Laura-Leigh yelling at Stassi, which is a throwback to us die-hard Vanderpumpers.

Let’s get serious for a second: For those who wonder why watching reality shows about supposedly vapid people is entertaining, this episode is a perfect example of why it is wonderful. Getting to watch people go on lavish vacations and party with their friends, live out their relationship drama, and generally live a lifestyle that I have never experienced and never truly will is the best kind of escapism.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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