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'The Librarians' recap: Once upon a time

Season 1 | Episode 6 | “And the Fables of Doom” | Aired Jan 4, 2015

This week, the Librarians go into the woods in an entertaining allegory about the power of story to change lives, for good or for bad. In team relationship progress, Jake cheerfully reiterates that he likes working with Cassandra but will never trust her, which mightily bothers Cassandra. Ezekiel continues to be a self-centered douchebag/lovable rascal who’s only interested in being a Librarian for the fun parts, like stealing artifacts and traveling the world. Though he does save the day. So there’s that.

After a troll attacks a traffic stop on a bridge, the Librarians learn that fairy tales are coming to life and attacking people. In these stories, heroes die, are dismembered, and/or fall into magical comas that last for centuries, so we’re using the Grimm canon tonight. This explains the enormous white wolf in a nightcap that’s terrorizing the quaint town of Bremen. Jake fells the wolf with one huge toss of a hatchet that he suddenly has in hand. Thwack.

Giant wolf terrorizes fairy tale townThrough a process of elimination of all magical items, curses, and paradoxes he’s listed on the blackboard, Jenkins breaks the culprit down to either the Mother Goose Treaty of 1918 or Aesop’s Lyre—but definitely not the Libris Fabula, which has been lost for centuries and is “the really nasty one.” Winner!

To be sure, they have to retrieve the giant white wolf from the bar freezer, where it’s being stored and do an autopsy. Cue the hijinks caper where Jake and Ezekiel sneak the wolf out the back while Cassandra and Eve distract the bartender. Jake competently carves open the wolf and extracts the town’s missing waitress, who’s dressed like Red Riding Hood. Jenkins concludes that the Libris Fabula must have been discovered. It can be used to bring any story to life, but at a price. Anyone who feeds the Libris Fabula‘s stories will grow sick and weak and then die. As the book gains power, it can rewrite reality. Jake: “Reality. Just the shared narrative we agree to believe.” Also called “television.” The Librarians need to find the fairy-tale patient zero to whom Rene Auberjonois is currently reading stories.

Jenkins has left The Annex. STOP THE PRESSES. He’s enamored of the apartment-building-like nature of vending machines, but unwisely bypasses the Three Musketeers bar for a Snickers. Dude, it’s all about the nougat.

Jake and Eve find Mister McGuire (Auberjonois), the local librarian, cataloging a recent donation of 15th-century folios from a rare book collector’s estate—dead ringers for the Libris Fabula. McGuire declines to share the tomes and locks them away. Meanwhile, Ezekiel gets an extra dose of lucky that helps him stumble onto patient zero at the hospital, aka Jamie, who fell asleep at story hour at the library and woke up in the hospital. She loves stories of magic and heroes.

Back at the bar, Cassandra happily uses her charm power for free drinks and french fries, for which, come on, you can hardly blame her. The sign on the hostess stand behind her says “No Nuts Outside.” Friend, you’ve no idea. Jake and Eve report they’ve found the book and need Ezekiel to pick the lock on McGuire’s cabinet to get it. Ezekiel explains his discovery of patient zero and insists they go back to the hospital.

The Librarians turn into fairy tale charactersWhen the sheriff arrives to arrest Ezekiel, basically for being Ezekiel, and promises to huff and puff and blow the bar down, the Librarians finally realize they’re fairy-tale characters. Jake is the ax-wielding huntsman. Eve lets her hair down, and down, and down some more as she becomes a princess. Cassandra is Prince Charming, while Ezekiel is Jack the lucky thief, the only archetype who escapes all the stories unscathed.

Unfortunately, the townspeople are now infected by the book’s power too, as Little Bo Peep and Pinocchio make an appearance. Pursued by the transformed sheriff and the Wolverine football players as his wolf minions, the Librarians lead the townspeople to the library while Ezekiel scampers back to the hospital. Cassandra: “Come with me if you want to live!” Enthralled barmaid: “I’ve been waiting for you to say that to me my whole life.” Snort.

Ezekiel finds McGuire reading the book to a now-unconscious Jamie. He knows all about the book’s powers and is deliberately absorbing the life it drains from the townspeople. “It’s my happily ever after!” McGuire reads aloud the Librarians’ death at the hands of the wolves.

Eve as a fariy tale princessWith her vest transformed into a corset and now sporting waist-length hair, Eve tells Ezekiel he’s the only one for whom the story works, and he has to save the town by stopping McGuire. Inside the library (as opposed to the Library), Cassandra gives a rousing speech in full Prince Charming mode that makes Eve bat her eyelashes. The wolves attack. Nice touch, having the hoodies of the Wolverine football players sport the faces of wolves. They even yelp when Cassandra smacks them with her makeshift sword.

Eve has less success fighting them in six-inch sparkly heels. She screams at Ezekiel through the phone to change the story. Ezekiel can’t wrest the book from McGuire, so, eyes closed, he tosses his lucky coin to knock it free and gives it to Jamie so she can rewrite the story. Jamie makes Jake’s huntsman a robot, Eve a ninja princess, and Cassandra’s Prince Charming into Merlin in disguise.

Cassandra as Prince CharmingFully revitalized, Jamie stands in her bed and proclaims that, with their new skills, the heroes can chase the wolves away. McGuire makes one last grab for the book and winds up being sucked into its pages.

Back at the Annex, Jenkins has commandeered the antique book collection. Jake gushes over the annotated copy of Paradise Lost, but Jenkins promises he doesn’t want to know who annotated it. Ezekiel hands over the now blank Libris Fabula—save for the page in which McGuire is trapped. Jenkins: “Magic always has a cost.” So much for living happily ever after …

Fin.

 

Quippy Goodness

Jenkins: Trolls are not indigenous to the Pacific Northwest.
Eve to Jenkins: Cryptic and annoying.

Ezekiel to Jake: Subtext is very hard with you.
Jake: I don’t have any subtext!

Jenkins: This probably eliminates Aesop’s Lyre. While it does make animals look gracious, I’ve never known it to affect their wardrobe.

Jenkins to Jake: You’re a very odd cowboy.
Jake: So I’ve been told.

Jake: This is strange! Cassandra’s like a chick magnet, and Baird, I’m pretty sure that hair is not Army regulation!

Cassandra: We’re being strange? Where’d you get the ax?!

 

Addendum:

Finally, because I had to know, here (in no particular order) is the list on Jenkins’ chalkboard. My personal favorite is Jacob’s Step Ladder.

Reanimation Elixir, Magic Mushrooms, Lilies, Tesla’s Death Ray, The Black Mask, The Sampo, Book of Thoth, Loki’s Spear, Unicorn, The Stone of Giramphiel, Yata No Kagami, The Trident of Poseidon, The Golden Fish Scale, The Immortals, Libris Fabula, Lantern of Diogenes, The Singing Sword of Conaire Mor, Aztec Smoking Mirror, Icelandic Swans, Wand of Fairies, Pipes of Pan, Goose With Golden Eggs, Mother Goose Treaty, John Henry’s Hammer, The Holy Grail, Spear of Destiny, Blackbeard’s Chest, Sitting Bull’s Feather, The Genie’s Lamp, Leprechauns, Gaelic Vampires, Ozymandias’ Dream Journal, Shakespeare’s Quill, Homer’s Sandal, Interstellar Wireless, The Cap of Invisibility, Sirens, The Necklace of Harmonia, The Tell Tale Heart, Fenrir’s Chain, W.D.’s Frozen Head, The Stein of Many Drinkers, The Veil of Scheherazade, Aphrodite’s Magic Girdle, Cupid’s Bow, Aesop’s Lyre, The Well of Wishes, the Peaches of Immortality, the Wolf’s Whistle, Whirling Dervishes, The Tree of Confucius, Inuit Raven Claw, Red Herrings of Yangtze, Jacob’s Step Stool, Fountain of Youth, Tazmanian Devil, Robert’s Lancel*

*This is my best guess, as it’s the only one I couldn’t definitively make out. Would it have killed director Jonathan Frakes to have one camera pan in which the chalkboard was fully legible?!

The Librarians airs Sundays at 8/7C on TNT.

TV Families

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TV Families

TV Families — We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ”The Brady Bunch” to ”The Flintstones”

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The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['header-cm-ad']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdheadercmad'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> <!-- /.header-cm-ad --> </div> </nav> <span class="site-header__nav--ad__cm"> <div class="ad ad-processed" id="peopleAdheadercmad_223x92"> <script style="display:none;visibility:hidden;"> window.peopleAdMappings = window.peopleAdMappings || {}; peopleAdMappings['peopleAdheadercmad_223x92'] = {"collapse":true,"id":"peopleAdheadercmad_223x92","oop":false,"companion":false,"size":[223,92],"pos_group_name":"header-cm-ad_223x92","sitename":"cm.enw","zone":"music","targeting":{"cmpos":["globalheader"],"cmtyp":["tout"],"pos":1,"pos_group_name":"header-cm-ad_223x92","adLoadMethod":"page"},"sizes":[[[1024,0],[[223,92]]]],"ad_name":"header-cm-ad_223x92"};; // Init defaults window.time_dfp = 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/.header-cm-ad_223x92 --> </span> </div> </header><!-- #masthead --> <div id="people-time-health-banner"><div id="ad-time-health"></div></div> <div id="site__content" class="site__content"> <main role="main"> <article id="post-588800" class="article-single post-588800 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-article category-music creative-work-11730"> <header class="article-header"> <h2 class="article-header__subchannel channel__color--color"><a class="channel__color--color" href="/article/">Article</a></h2><h1 class="article-header__title">000</h1><p class="article-header__byline"><a href="http://ew.com/author/elisabeth-vincentelli/" aria-label="Posts by Elisabeth Vincentelli" class="author url fn" rel="author">Elisabeth Vincentelli</a></p><p class="article-header__timestamp">Posted on <time datetime="2000-04-14T04:00:00+00:00">April 14, 2000 at 4:00am EDT</time></p> <div class="article-header__share"> <div class="sharedaddy sd-sharing-enabled"><div class="robots-nocontent sd-block sd-social sd-social-icon-text sd-sharing"><div class="sd-content"><ul><li class="share-facebook"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-facebook-588800" class="share-facebook sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=facebook" target="_blank" title="Share"><span>Share</span></a></li><li class="share-twitter"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="sharing-twitter-588800" class="share-twitter sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=twitter" target="_blank" title="Tweet"><span>Tweet</span></a></li><li class="share-email"><a rel="nofollow" data-shared="" class="share-email sd-button share-icon" href="http://ew.com/article/2000/04/14/000/?share=email" target="_blank" title="Email"><span>Email</span></a></li><li class="share-end"></li></ul></div></div></div> </div> </header> <div class="ad ad--headline-sibling"> <!-- Advertisement; 300x250 / 300x600 Flex Ad Unit --> <div class="ad ad-processed" id="peopleAdhp_300x250"> <script style="display:none;visibility:hidden;"> window.peopleAdMappings = window.peopleAdMappings || {}; peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = {"collapse":true,"id":"peopleAdhp_300x250","oop":false,"companion":false,"size":[300,250],"pos_group_name":"hp_300x250","zone":"music","sizes":[[[1024,0],[[300,250],[300,600]]],[[601,0],[[300,250],[300,600]]],[[0,0],[[300,250]]]],"ad_name":"hp_300x250","targeting":{"pos":1,"pos_group_name":"hp_300x250","adLoadMethod":"page"}};; // Init defaults window.time_dfp = window.time_dfp || []; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds'] = window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds'] || {}; window.time_dfp.push( function() { time_dfp.defineSlot(window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250'])}); if ( 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] || 'undefined' === typeof window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] ) { window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250'] = {}; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['default'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; }; // Remember, this is going to just be a reference not a copy. window.peopleAdMappings['hp_300x250']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; window.peopleAdMappings['_renderedAds']['peopleAdhp_300x250'] = window.peopleAdMappings['peopleAdhp_300x250']; // POS Groups information. </script> </div> </div> <div class="article-single__content"> <h3 class="article__creative-work-title">000</h3> <dl id="article__creative-work-info" class="article__creative-work-info"> <dt>type:</dt> <dd>Music</dd> <dt>Current Status:</dt> <dd>In Season</dd> </dl> <div class="article-body"> <div class="article__letter-grade"><span class="article__letter-grade-shape channel__color--background-color"></span><p aria-label="Letter grade">We gave it a <strong>B</strong></p></div> <div class="article-body__inner"> <div class="triangle-anchor"></div><p>Being the Rolling Stones is a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Since the Stones themselves have turned into a joke, we’ll gladly take the Delta 72. Their earlier recordings were inspired by hard-driving ’60s soul, but now with <strong>000</strong> these Philly boys look back to the flamboyantly sweaty boogie Jagger & Co. played at their ’70s peak — and completely rejuvenate it. Though it doesn’t come close to the delirious energy of the band’s shows, <em>000</em> is a shot of put-your-hands-in-the-air party music. <strong>B</strong></p> </div> <div class="article-body__show-full"> <button id="button--show-full" class="channel__color--background-color" type="button">Show Full Article</button> </div> </div> <!-- template: article-footer --> <footer class="article-footer"> <div class="articles-recirculation articles-recirculation--see-also channel__color--border-color"> <!-- template: article-footer-section-title --> <h2 class="article-footer__section-title channel__color--border-color article-footer__section-title--third-party"> <div class="article-footer__section-title-inner-wrap"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-span"> <span class="article-footer__section-title-more article-footer__section-title-more--" data-mobile-title=""> sponsored stories </span> </span> </div> </h2> <div class="ob-widget-wrapper " data-url-fragment="outbrain"> <div 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