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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: What happens in San Diego doesn't stay there

Season 3 | Episode 9 | “What Happens in San Diego” | Aired Dec 29, 2014

We’re due for a scandalous vacation in this season of Vanderpump Rules, and this week it arrives as a guys’ weekend in San Diego. The two Toms, Jax, and Peter (Sur manager) get hooked up with a free hotel suite courtesy of Jax’s girlfriend, Tiffany. The irony of that will soon be apparent. Lucky for you, I got my hands on their travel itinerary:

Saturday

10 a.m.: Four grown men plus all their luggage leave in Tom Schwartz’s Mini Cooper. They gossip like teenagers and overanalyze Jax’s coffee date with Vail, the new girl at Sur. Did she tweet about it? Did Jax tweet about it? Does it matter?

12:30 p.m.: The guys arrive in San Diego and check in at the Hard Rock Hotel. They waste no time getting to the pool. They all spoon on the pool bed and admire disembodied rumps of women. Jax tells Peter, “I want to see you make out with someone.” Then Jax pulls out the Girl Talk board game.

2:00 p.m.: Jax is smashed from drinking from vodka bottles in the pool, and annoyed that the guys want to text their girlfriends. “Whoever invented monogamy should be shot,” whines Jax. Well, Jax, feel free to play target practice with the concept of evolution.

8 p.m. The guys are prepping for for the club. Tom slathers on makeup. Peter straight-irons his hair. Jax grinds against a table. It must smell like a Drakkar Noir factory in there. Jax finally decides on a white T-shirt and greased hair. Tom Sandoval remarks: “Adam Levine on steroids called. He wants his look back.”

11:42 p.m.: After three-plus hours of prep, they finally arrive at the nightclub in the lobby of their hotel.

11:59 p.m.: They order vodka (they have bottle service, natch), and the servers bring over the bottles held high over their heads, along with sparklers. This must be an ancient ritual borrowed from the Old World.

12:43 a.m.: The guys continue the ancient tradition of “clubbing” with ceremonial behaviors like standing on chairs and dancing, constantly high-fiving each other, and screaming in each other’s faces.

Sunday

Jax Taylor

9 a.m.: Waking up in the hotel suite, Jax immediately brags about his raging hangover, because that’s something that 35-year-old people do all the time. Tom Schwartz forgets how to wear sweatpants correctly. Jax falls over. Jax only remembers that his pants were down and he was missing his underwear. Ah—a fable for the ages.

9:23 a.m.: Tom Sandoval emerges from his room, pouting. He is irritated that Jax brought a group of women back to the suite and they used all his makeup. Tom tells us that Jax hooked up with the “bootleg” girl in the club. He called her “assisted masturbation.” He gives his signature glare to Jax, and that signature glare just cuts right through you. Jax denies it all.

Tom Sandoval

Monday

2 p.m.: After getting a good night’s beauty sleep (not that Tom Schwartz needs it, right ladies?), the guys regather at a taco place and gossip. Jax recalls that a girl grabbed his crotch at the club and wouldn’t let up. Perhaps she was trying to “motorboat his dick.” Katie’s signature move? Tom “Encyclopedia Brown” Schwartz comments that Jax first told them he couldn’t remember anything, and now he has a whole story. Jax tells the guys he was only in the bathroom with the girl to hold her hair when she was puking.

2:27 p.m.: Tom Sandoval cannot take Jax’s crap anymore and calls him out for putting him in a weird position. He says he’s not going to lie about what he saw if Tiffany asks him.

2:29 p.m.: Jax starts babbling uncontrollably to deflect his lie.

2:45 p.m.: The Toms leave Jax to gossip some more about Jax.

3:08 p.m.: Jax calls Tiffany to do damage control. He tells her the Tale of Puking Bathroom Girl. Tiffany is upset that Jax didn’t tell her about this earlier, and hangs up on Jax. “It was all for naught!” laments Jax.

While the boys are away, the girls continue to create a new feminist movement called “Scheana’s Wedding Hoopla.” Team Stassi goes wine tasting for Stassi’s birthday, and spend the time talking about the people Stassi hates. She’s just so over the Sur drama. To quote Derek from Mean Girls, “She doesn’t even go here!” Stassi doesn’t work at Sur, yet continues to incapacitate the serving staff with her nonsense.

Lisa Vanderpump

Lisa tells Scheana that to be a bigger person, she should invite Katie and Stassi to her wedding. What Lisa is really thinking is, “The producers are footing the bill for this wedding, so we need some drama worth filming.”

Over at Sur, Lisa is hosting a jewelry sale/fundraiser for children in Rwanda. Just buying one necklace will fund one year of school fees for the children. The other charitable event is that Scheana officially invites Katie to her super-special wedding activities, including her bridal shower the next day.

But Lisa thinks she should invite Stassi and Katie. Her bridal party is at Villa Blanca, which looks like cotton candy vomited over everything. The other theme of the party is, “Let’s talk about our boyfriends.” Oh, look, Ariana’s on the show! “I’m starting to believe that Jax is the worst,” she finally realizes.

Scheana and Stassi meet at a restaurant to try and work things out. Stassi voiceovers that Scheana looks like a cross between a gypsy and an American Girl doll. The conversation ends with Stassi telling Scheana, “Your friendship is a joke to me.” Stassi needs a spinoff show or something to get her attitude out of here. Her conflicts and drama are not even fun. She keeps inserting herself with the Sur crew to get attention from them. Perhaps she and Jax really are meant for each other?

Stassi Schroeder

“I guess I choose my friends wisely,” says Stassi. “That’s why you don’t have that many,” retorts Scheana. Scheana graciously apologizes for anything she’s done to hurt Stassi, and says that Stassi won’t be involved with any of Scheana’s wedding-of-the-century events. Thus, Stassi will be guaranteed less screen time. Uh-oh.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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