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'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' react: Call me when you grow up

Season 1 | Episode 5 | “Rule #21: Leave Childishness to the Children” | Aired Dec 30, 2014

Tonight’s Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce was the last episode of 2014, but there don’t seem to be any resolutions in sight. (See what I did there?)

Tensions between Abby and Jake are building, and it is starting to spill over onto the kids—especially Lily, who is a little unlikable. As Abby and Jake are dividing up the furnishings using “gender normative” colored Post-its, Lilly throws another tantrum. We get it: The divorce is tough on her. She’s just not sympathetic, especially when she is openly hostile to Abby, with whom I do sympathize. I guess Bravo knows its audience, and it’s not 14-year-old girls.

Abby and Jake try to coparent through the divorce in

On the bright side, Lilly’s brattiness leads to Abby seeing Will in the store, which in turn leads to him giving her his number. Even after a few awkward and ill-timed age jokes, he still seems so charmingly interested in Abby that I was rooting for her to kiss him right there in the sunscreen aisle. She doesn’t, of course, but he really deserves it. She thinks so too, apparently, because she promptly calls him after the scene with Jake, Lilly, and the Post-its.

Later, at coffee, Lyla and Phoebe make up. Phoebe apologizes for their fight last week. Lyla does too (sort of), then qualifies it in the most Lyla-esque way imaginable: “I’m not really sorry because you were in the wrong.” But it is so endearing that Phoebe isn’t mad, nor am I.

Abby, Phoebe and Lyla, download each other about what

Once the air is cleared, Phoebe comes out to the ladies about her polyamorous situation with her new lovers (please forgive my use of the word “lovers”; I know it’s gross). She also invites them to an art opening, and Abby makes the understatement of the year by saying, “It sounds super-awkward.” Agreed.

Lyla is off the hook for the super-awkward art show because her mother is in town … and it is none other than the adorable Bernadette Peters. She is sweet and cute and the ladies are charmed by her, but as she walks, away Lyla mouths the words, “She’s a nightmare.” She’s really not.

Lyla and her mother, played by Bernadette Peters, get to know each other on Girlfriends

Lyla is the problem, obviously, and it is starting to bleed over into work. Her boss comes in and scolds her for yet another complaint filed against her. This prompts him to give her a leave of absence, and I think I see Lyla cry a little at her desk.

She arrives home to prepare for the social worker’s visit, and finds her mother in the middle of a wacky theme dinner, complete with traditional kimono. The social worker arrives shortly thereafter, and Lyla starts to panic. She gets all huffy and tight around the forehead. When the kids have a meltdown at the table, she takes it out on her mom.

Actually, she asks her mother to leave. I’m starting to think Lyla might have real anger problems, and it’s not one of those nighttime soap plot devices where they ask us to believe something that’s not true. She really is an angry little woman. Lyla and her mother eventually make up, but they leave it in a weird way.

Lyla and her mother, played by Bernadette Peters on

Things only get weirder as Phoebe introduces her lovers (blech!) to Delia and Abby at the art show. The three of them are all cheekbones and hair, and they are so hot that looking directly at them makes my irises burn. Phoebe seems really proud of the arrangement, although explaining the sex stuff gets strange and confusing when she reveals, “It’s not all about the P-I-V.” The acronyms befuddle me, and I choose not to linger too long on their meanings.

Phoebe introduces her new lovers to Abby on

Abby leaves the art show to meet Will at an obnoxious club to hear some band, and the vibe between them is initially strained. Abby continues to make jokes about her age, and it’s like the GG2D writers want us to think Abby is a million years old. When she makes comments that start out with, “In my day,” I want to cringe and slap my hand over her mouth.

Abby gets into a barfight with Will’s ex while Jake pouts around at his new apartment. After emphatically telling Abby to butt out of his weekend, Lilly cons him into thinking she’s asleep, then slips out to go to the very same club at which her mother is getting the “younger man experience.” Jake can’t catch a break, and seems to be losing the better-parent wars.

Abby and Jake argue after Lilly sneaks out on

Abby promptly scoops Lilly up, Will in tow, and returns her to Jake’s apartment. A scene ensues and Lilly throws another tantrum—only this time, she kind of had the right. Abby and Jake are fighting in front of everyone, including Will and Becca, and it is brutally hard to watch. This prompts Abby to break up with Will. I find this to be a total bummer.

While Abby is sorting out her family junk, Phoebe’s new relationship is rocketed to the next level, although she completely misunderstands what that means. When her couple tries to introduce her to their “community” at a party, Phoebe misinterprets what’s happening, confessing, “I was getting more of an orgy vibe.” Phoebe thought “the next level” was multiple sex partners, and they thought it was her moving in. Naturally she gets spooked and sneaks out of their bed the next morning, leaving their commitment necklace behind. That is not her kind of party.

Phoebe realizes this is not what she signed up for on

It does bear mentioning that Abby’s editor has been sending her links to a new, up-and-coming mommy author. In the last few minutes of the episode, Abby finally opens a link to an interview with this Cleo Stevens person, who essentially calls Abby out for having a nervous breakdown. Abby had better up her game.

I’m taking predictions. What’s next for Abby?

Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on Bravo.