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'Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce' react: Call me when you grow up

Season 1 | Episode 5 | “Rule #21: Leave Childishness to the Children” | Aired Dec 30, 2014

Tonight’s Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce was the last episode of 2014, but there don’t seem to be any resolutions in sight. (See what I did there?)

Tensions between Abby and Jake are building, and it is starting to spill over onto the kids—especially Lily, who is a little unlikable. As Abby and Jake are dividing up the furnishings using “gender normative” colored Post-its, Lilly throws another tantrum. We get it: The divorce is tough on her. She’s just not sympathetic, especially when she is openly hostile to Abby, with whom I do sympathize. I guess Bravo knows its audience, and it’s not 14-year-old girls.

Abby and Jake try to coparent through the divorce in

On the bright side, Lilly’s brattiness leads to Abby seeing Will in the store, which in turn leads to him giving her his number. Even after a few awkward and ill-timed age jokes, he still seems so charmingly interested in Abby that I was rooting for her to kiss him right there in the sunscreen aisle. She doesn’t, of course, but he really deserves it. She thinks so too, apparently, because she promptly calls him after the scene with Jake, Lilly, and the Post-its.

Later, at coffee, Lyla and Phoebe make up. Phoebe apologizes for their fight last week. Lyla does too (sort of), then qualifies it in the most Lyla-esque way imaginable: “I’m not really sorry because you were in the wrong.” But it is so endearing that Phoebe isn’t mad, nor am I.

Abby, Phoebe and Lyla, download each other about what

Once the air is cleared, Phoebe comes out to the ladies about her polyamorous situation with her new lovers (please forgive my use of the word “lovers”; I know it’s gross). She also invites them to an art opening, and Abby makes the understatement of the year by saying, “It sounds super-awkward.” Agreed.

Lyla is off the hook for the super-awkward art show because her mother is in town … and it is none other than the adorable Bernadette Peters. She is sweet and cute and the ladies are charmed by her, but as she walks, away Lyla mouths the words, “She’s a nightmare.” She’s really not.

Lyla and her mother, played by Bernadette Peters, get to know each other on Girlfriends

Lyla is the problem, obviously, and it is starting to bleed over into work. Her boss comes in and scolds her for yet another complaint filed against her. This prompts him to give her a leave of absence, and I think I see Lyla cry a little at her desk.

She arrives home to prepare for the social worker’s visit, and finds her mother in the middle of a wacky theme dinner, complete with traditional kimono. The social worker arrives shortly thereafter, and Lyla starts to panic. She gets all huffy and tight around the forehead. When the kids have a meltdown at the table, she takes it out on her mom.

Actually, she asks her mother to leave. I’m starting to think Lyla might have real anger problems, and it’s not one of those nighttime soap plot devices where they ask us to believe something that’s not true. She really is an angry little woman. Lyla and her mother eventually make up, but they leave it in a weird way.

Lyla and her mother, played by Bernadette Peters on

Things only get weirder as Phoebe introduces her lovers (blech!) to Delia and Abby at the art show. The three of them are all cheekbones and hair, and they are so hot that looking directly at them makes my irises burn. Phoebe seems really proud of the arrangement, although explaining the sex stuff gets strange and confusing when she reveals, “It’s not all about the P-I-V.” The acronyms befuddle me, and I choose not to linger too long on their meanings.

Phoebe introduces her new lovers to Abby on

Abby leaves the art show to meet Will at an obnoxious club to hear some band, and the vibe between them is initially strained. Abby continues to make jokes about her age, and it’s like the GG2D writers want us to think Abby is a million years old. When she makes comments that start out with, “In my day,” I want to cringe and slap my hand over her mouth.

Abby gets into a barfight with Will’s ex while Jake pouts around at his new apartment. After emphatically telling Abby to butt out of his weekend, Lilly cons him into thinking she’s asleep, then slips out to go to the very same club at which her mother is getting the “younger man experience.” Jake can’t catch a break, and seems to be losing the better-parent wars.

Abby and Jake argue after Lilly sneaks out on

Abby promptly scoops Lilly up, Will in tow, and returns her to Jake’s apartment. A scene ensues and Lilly throws another tantrum—only this time, she kind of had the right. Abby and Jake are fighting in front of everyone, including Will and Becca, and it is brutally hard to watch. This prompts Abby to break up with Will. I find this to be a total bummer.

While Abby is sorting out her family junk, Phoebe’s new relationship is rocketed to the next level, although she completely misunderstands what that means. When her couple tries to introduce her to their “community” at a party, Phoebe misinterprets what’s happening, confessing, “I was getting more of an orgy vibe.” Phoebe thought “the next level” was multiple sex partners, and they thought it was her moving in. Naturally she gets spooked and sneaks out of their bed the next morning, leaving their commitment necklace behind. That is not her kind of party.

Phoebe realizes this is not what she signed up for on

It does bear mentioning that Abby’s editor has been sending her links to a new, up-and-coming mommy author. In the last few minutes of the episode, Abby finally opens a link to an interview with this Cleo Stevens person, who essentially calls Abby out for having a nervous breakdown. Abby had better up her game.

I’m taking predictions. What’s next for Abby?

Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce airs Tuesdays at 10/9C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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