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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: Midseason power rankings

Season 3 | Episode 8 | “Mind the Jax” | Aired Dec 22, 2014

We’re at about the middle of this journey called season 3 of Vanderpump Rules, so that means it’s time to check in on the power rankings. The servers of SUR are all in it to be the best, the alpha, the one that has the last word. However, once they claw their way to the top, they may find it quite lonely there, as Cristal Connors finds out when Nomi Malone pushes her down the stairs. There’s always someone right behind you trying to tear you down.

Starting from the bottom and moving up:

James Kennedy

James

His hair alone makes him come in dead last. First he got suckered into producing Scheana’s new single. Second, he really comes off poorly in the conversation he has with Tom Sandoval, trying to “clear the air.” Tom Sandoval tells him, “I feel bad for you. Your girlfriend is still obsessed with [me],” and her ex-boyfriend James’ only retort is, “Your hair is annoying.” Stop throwing rocks at glass houses, James!

Kristen Doute

Kristen

At this point, Kristen is really on the same level as James. She’s reduced to sneaking around corners to eavesdrop on James and Tom Sandoval.

Jax Taylor

Jax

Despite being completely in love with his long-distance love, Tiffany, Jax drunkenly texts everyone to say they broke up. He pretends to be embarrassed about it, but the joke is on us: Suddenly Jax is the center of attention of his friends. He even garners sympathy from Vail. Well played, Jax.

Stassi Schroeder

Stassi

Despite having no reason to be on the show, Stassi still has a ton of influence. She’s still riding Katie hard about dumping Tom Schwartz, so Katie will be single and spend all her time worshipping Stassi. We learn that Stassi likes to babysit her friend’s kid. However, Stassi is clueless about The Baby-Sitters Club: She actually thinks Dawn Schaefer is the president. Everyone knows it’s Kristy Thomas! That blunder moves Stassi down several knotches. However, she is rocking a pretty sweet statement necklace.

Tom Schwartz

Despite being announced as the EW Community Official Show Crush, Tom is not winning any points by not standing up to Jax and making out with someone two years ago. He agrees to go to therapy with Katie. Katie tells him, “You’re a scared puppy who is always afraid to talk about your feelings,” and he adorably agrees. Tom decides he digs therapy, and after the session is over, he asks Katie if she wants to have sex, since she admitted to the therapist she wants more physical attention. Goddammit, Schwartz, you adorable idiot! But let the record show that I do not approve of his button-up chambray denim shirt with embroidered paisley straight from the set of Roseanne.

Katie Maloney

Katie

As we saw last week, Katie forgave Tom Schwartz for his nonsense, and thought Jax screaming “I hate you more than life!” at her was just trivial. She asks Lisa to change her schedule so she doesn’t have to work with Jax. Lisa sets her straight by saying, “If you asked Tom to choose between you and Jax, what would he do?” “He would probably choose Jax,” admits Katie. “And this is the man that you want to marry?” retorts Lisa. Ouch. The truth hurts.

Scheana

Scheana and Shay’s bachelor/ette party is coming up in Miami, and they agree to let James and Kristen come, despite their penchant to throw punches at Scheana’s gatherings. At first thought, you’d think that Scheana wouldn’t want them to come … but in fact, Scheana is enjoying the power she has by “allowing” people to come to her special, special princess party. However, she attempts to rap on her new single, and it’s worse than you could ever imagine.

Vail

Vail is up high mostly because she hasn’t been around long enough to do anything stupid. Right now she’s the Penelope to Jax’s Pepé Le Pew. Since everyone keeps telling her to avoid Jax, she obviously has drinks with him and tells him that everyone told her to avoid him. Side note: Guess how Val decided to pursue acting? She majored in architecture at Princeton, and was asked to play an architect in a silent film. (They couldn’t find an actor who could use a protractor correctly?) Long story short, she’s caught the acting bug. She also needs to get her nose cauterized because she did too much blow back in the day. Jax sees a kindred spirit in her because they have nose surgery in common.

Tom Sandoval Scheana Marie

Tom Sandoval

Not only has Tom come out on top, but he should get the award for Most Improved. Tom has really shot to the top of the power pyramid only in the last few weeks, and this episode has secured him at the top. First, he seems less whiny lately. Second, in his interview, he’s wearing green houndstooth leggings. Believe me, for some reason, it works. Third, he continues to side-eye Jax whenever he opens his mouth. Fourth, he obliterates James in a game of wits. He tells James, “I don’t hate you, because that requires thought.” When Kristen comes to confront him, he tells her to leave him alone and shut up. Which is the most adult way to deal with her.

Lisa Vanderpump

Lisa Vanderpump

Let’s all remind ourselves that no one can surpass Lisa in the power rankings. She will always be the puppetmaster, pulling the strings on her beautiful puppets.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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