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'Two and a Half Men' recap: Christmas-fu

Season 12 | Episode 8 | “Clockwise in the Back Hole Until Tight” | Aired Dec 18, 2014

The Christmas edition of Two and a Half Men starts out with Walden, Alan, and Louis out on the beach preparing a Christmas greeting-card picture of them dressed up as the three wise men. Louis looks adorable with his mini-beard and box full of gold, while Walden, who is clearly annoyed with being out in the hot sun and dressed in thick robes and beards, says, “It’s 88 degrees out. I don’t have myrrh, unless it’s the Biblical term for swamp ass.”

When the picture is about to snap, Alan gets hit in the “lower extremities” by a volleyball and two bikini-clad women run up to apologize. While Alan is recovering, the ladies mistake them for wearing Duck Dynasty costumes and are immediately smitten with Louis and how cute he is. Louis offers them his box of fake gold and the ladies just melt. “First cute girl he meets and he’s already giving away his money,” Walden says.

While putting up Christmas decorations Walden suggests that Louis go inside and start writing his letter to Santa. To Alan and Walden’s surprise, Louis says he doesn’t believe Santa is real because he has never gotten anything he’s asked for during the holidays. This, of course, makes it Walden’s quest to help Louis believe again. While Berta takes Louis inside to ease the awkwardness, Alan and Walden try to devise a plan to make it happen. Alan suggests that if they get him exactly what he wants, he has to believe again. The problem is, they don’t know what he wants.

“He wants a bike!” Rose says, startling the two on the deck and popping up out of nowhere, just like she always does. When Walden interrogates Rose about what she’s doing there and how she knows about Louis, she responds, “Oh, Walden, you’re so adorable.” Apparently Rose wants to become friends with Walden again. Walden wasn’t having it, and like any good father would, he declines her help for the holidays and says it wouldn’t be appropriate for her to be around Louis or himself. However, she can hang out with Alan if she wants. “I’ll pass,” she says.

Later that night, while Evelyn is visiting for Christmas, Alan and Walden tell Louis that they are going to prove to him that Santa exists by catching him on tape while he’s dropping off all their gifts. When Louis goes to bed, Walden tells Evelyn that they hired an expensive Santa Claus impersonator to “get caught” on tape. This particular guy played Santa on an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger and fought bad guys using “Christmas-fu.” Santa rings the doorbell and Walden opens the door to find Santa smoking pot. “Don’t worry, Santa’s got a prescription card!” he says.

While Santa schmoozes with Evelyn in the living room, Alan and Walden head to the garage to wrap the gifts. Walden realizes that the bike Alan bought isn’t built because apparently he didn’t want to spring for the extra $75 for assembly, even though Walden was paying for it. Are we really surprised? Nope. Anyways, the guys are frantically trying to put together the bike, but the instructions are literally written in a crazy person’s language and the bike falls apart.

Alan decides to check in on Santa and Evelyn, only to find them getting drunk and way too flirtatious with each other. Alan is worried and asks Santa if he drove, but Santa answers, “Nope. Santa Ubered!” How responsible. Back in the garage, Walden’s frustration is growing because he wants so badly for Louis’ first Christmas with them to be perfect … but the bike isn’t happening. He tells Alan that he really wants Louis to have the magic of believing in Santa again.

After consoling Walden, Alan walks back into the house. Big mistake. Santa and Evelyn have taken it to the next level and are having sex—very loudly, might I add—in the living room. A horrified Alan runs back into the garage and says, “I saw mommy banging Santa Claus!” Evelyn then runs in and says she thinks she killed Santa, but it just ends up being an atrial fibrillation. He’ll be okay. After the medics cart Santa off, Alan and Walden agree to attempt to finish wrapping and assembling in the garage all night, but Louis walks out because he heard a noise and thought Santa arrived.

While tucking Louis back into bed, he asks Alan and Walden to stay with him until he falls asleep, which hinders their plans to finish in the garage. When they wake up, Alan is spooning Walden, and they realize they’ve overslept. They run into the living room to find Louis with a fully constructed bike and wrapped gifts. “Santa came. He is real!” says Louis.

While Louis takes his new bike out for a spin with Alan, Walden checks the tape to find Santa leaving all the gifts behind, then going out onto the deck and jumping off of it, Rose-style. Of course Rose was able to build the bike with instructions only a crazy person could read, right? Walden then goes out to the deck to find Rose, and apologizes for not accepting her friendship. They make up. Rose also gives Walden a cuckoo clock as a Christmas gift, which has a mini-Rose pop out every hour.

The episode ends with Alan, Walden, and Louis enjoying Christmas dinner and listening to the Michael Bublé Christmas album. The cuckoo clock strikes the next hour to reveal a camera inside, watching them as they happily enjoy Christmas. Oh, Rose, I’m so glad you’re back!

Episode Thoughts

  • Where was Laurel? She seemed to be a good match for Walden in the last episode. Maybe spending Christmas together was a bit too much to start out with?
  • Rose is back! Somehow I always think she brings a bit of balance to the show with her craziness. What do you think?

Two and a Half Men airs Thursdays at 9/8C on CBS.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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