EW Community TV Show Episode Guides and Recaps from EW's Community

'Vanderpump Rules' recap: Fresh meat is on the menu at Sur

Season 3 | Episode 7 | “New Girl, Old Grudges” | Aired Dec 15, 2014

After this week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, I’m convinced that Lisa Vanderpump may actually be a mad scientist running a Matrix-style simulation to experiment on poor, unsuspecting, attractive people. Think about it: The cast is never seen anywhere besides Sur, Pump, and their apartments. They have the occasional restaurant/bar, but Lisa could have the power to whip up that setting real quickly after owning so many restaurants.

Second, the gang acts in a way that is completely contrary to any sort of common sense or human decency, yet Lisa still keeps them inside her “experiment.” Occasionally, she’ll throw a new person into the simulation chamber, just to shake things up and see how the others react—kind of like throwing a live mouse into a cage with a snake.

The mouse in question this week is a new server named Vail, an aspiring actress and Princeton graduate, (“You graduated Princeton? Most people here didn’t graduate from kindergarten.” —Lisa.) Vail seems nice enough. Jax’s libido is locked and loaded, as he makes a vow that he will sleep with her. On her first day, Lisa asks her if she drinks, and she launches into an incoherent, rambling story about how she used to drink, but doesn’t want to, maybe sometimes does, can’t surround herself with drinkers, and on and on. Lisa makes a mental note to tweak her programming later.

Jax meets Vail

In this experimental Lisa word, Lisa is the queen of Gay Pride and exists for her restaurants. No float in the parade this year, but she’ll be hosting parties at both Pump and Sur. Tom Schwartz is back to working at Pump, because Lisa couldn’t create something else for him to do. “It’s pretty crowded in here, are you going to have a panic attack,” Lisa asks him. “Nope, I’ll take some Xanax if I do,”replies Schwartz. Which is…well, a practical way to deal with anxiety. Maybe the Schwartz simulation is becoming too sentient?

The gals working at Pump all have these ridiculous, long, colorful, fake eyelashes that make them look like insects. There are barely any customers, because everyone is at Pump. No working means plenty of time to act like kindergartners. The wild card thrown into the mix is Stassi, who has come to visit her friends at work. For all of Stassi’s bragging about how she has moved on, she spends an awful lot amount of time hanging around Sur telling people how much she’s over them. “I don’t hang out with losers,” she says unironically. She warns Vail about all the drama at the restaurant, causing Scheana to strut off in a huff. Kristen tries to antagonize Ariana by reminding her that a year ago she first confronted her about Tom Sandoval cheating, and that Tom Sandoval is now cheating on Ariana. Ariana doesn’t have much to say. But that also could be because Ariana never has much to say. Also, I can’t take Kristen seriously with the two parakeets living on her eyelashes.

Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney

Just like the cinematic classics Alien v. Predator and Freddy v. Jason, there are two forces of evil who come together to have an ultimate fight to the death. Here, it’s Jax v. Stassi. They no longer share airtime or even talk, but they both have the goal of breaking up Katie and Tom Schwartz. Ironically, they want the same thing, but they want to be the one who claims credit for it. We saw last week how Jax antagonized Katie when she found out Tom was cheating. This week, Stassi tries to convince Katie that if Tom really loved her, he’d dump Jax as a friend. Fragile, sensitive Tom Schwartz even came to Stassi’s apartment to surprise her with flowers. Bonus points for wearing his glasses, frumping up his hair, and announcing “my nerves are fried.”

“Who cheats on someone as amazing as Katie?” Stassi sneers. “I guess I do,” Tom says in a singsong voice, taking the bait. Oh, he’s so dumb but so adorable. Stassi screams at him to leave her apartment, which he does sheepishly. However, Stassi gets mad that he left, and Katie is mad that he didn’t fight back. Cheating or not cheating, I feel bad for Tom Schwartz for having to deal with the leviathan that is Stassi.

Katie Maloney

Elsewhere in the Lisa Matrix, Kristen proves how low someone can reach by getting ready to go to Tom Sandoval’s apartment to “pick up her stuff” again. She primps in front of current boyfriend James, commenting that she hopes she has a nip slip. Full disclosure: Kristen looks incredibly hot in this scene. She arrives at Tom Sandoval’s, accidentally calls him “Babe,” claims she did put in a change of address, and generally makes everything incredibly awkward. Finally, at the breaking point, Tom Sandoval throws up his hands and yells, “I don’t want to be around you anymore!” For the first time, I can respect him for just being direct.

What’s Lisa’s endgame with ruling over her controlled simulated empire? To prove some theory about the human condition? To create awful people to one day fight in a very attractive army? Her own amusement?

Lisa Vanderpump

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

You May Like