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'Hart of Dixie' season 4 premiere recap: I want you to want me

Season 4 | Episode 1 | “Kablang” | Aired Dec 15, 2014

It’s a tumultuous time on Hart of Dixie. With the smiling milkman, darling paperboy and fresh lobster in the town square, anyone would assume Bluebell is the live version of a Norman Rockwell painting. Looks can be deceiving.

Zoe is frantically trying to win Wade’s heart. Wanda chastises her for trying to woo him with grits and RoboCop. This courting ritual clearly calls for a big romantic gesture. Zoe elects John Cusack as her muse and drags the girls to Wade’s house for her boombox moment. Annabeth fires up Johnny Cash’s “Walk the Line,” and Zoe sings her heart out. When Meatball answers the door, she refrains from walking the line with him.

Lavon and George are both in love with Lemon, yet they refuse to talk about it. Unfortunately, they are paired together as partners on Bluebell’s volunteer fire department. Trainer Jaysene (Erica Piccininni) is there to help whip the team in shape. George and Lavon bicker but still look hot in their gear. Zoe walks up to ask for some advice. How can she win Wade back? What do men like? George and Lavon give Zoe a simple response that will wash away all her troubles. The answer is sex.

Earl drops by Wade’s house, sits on the porch, and inquires why his idiot son would purposely elude the advances of a pretty doctor.

Wade: Me and Zoe are like a stick of dynamite with a long fuse. Everything is going along fine and then KABLANG!

Little Mermaid

At that precise moment, Zoe pops up out of the water Little Mermaid style looking absolutely amazing. We’ve all tried this move in a swimming pool and we’ve all failed. Bilson manages to pull it off flawlessly. That action alone deserves a Golden Globe nomination. Her bikini top deserves major props for not falling off, too. She swims off seductively, and I yell for Wade to jump in after her. He does not. Idiot.

WadeLater that night, Wade sits on his couch playing his guitar (forearms) shirtless (FINALLY) when Zoe walks in wearing slinky shorts, high heels and a pregnancy blouse that magnifies Bilson’s ample bosom. Let the seducing begin!

After a night of kablanging, Zoe rushes off to work, eagerly reporting that she and Wade had amazing sex and he soon will realize that they belong together! Brick and his mother both laugh at this notion. Giving the milk away for free only confuses the cow.

Zoe isn’t the only one confused. The Belles have no idea what to think of Cricket now that she has come out of the hot-pink closet. Does this mean she’s dating Ellen and will start wearing fleece? Is she a vegetarian? Cricket explains that she’s known since she was in college. It’s similar to the time she first realized she didn’t look good in yellow. The Belles happily accept their friend and promise to research vegetarian dishes.

George and Lavon decide to let bygones by bygones. Both will stop at nothing to win Lemon back. It’s too bad she picked door No. 3. Paging Dr. Henry Dalton! It looks like Lemon did find love on the high seas after all!

Zoe finally confronts Wade. She wants him to admit he loves her. And he does. But their breakup nearly killed him, and he can’t go through that again. He simply doesn’t trust her with his heart. (Note: Wade is the one who cheated.) Zoe’s eyes fill with pain and tears as she walks away. I throw the remote control. This is not the love story I had planned for Team Zade.

Eight Weeks Later
Wade and Zoe aren’t speaking. The fire department volunteers no longer resemble the Three Stooges. Brick and Shelby are secretly seeing each other. Jaysene has changed neither her outfit nor her hairdo, but that doesn’t stop her from asking Cricket out.

Brick doesn’t show up for an appointment with Lemon (he’s kablanging Shelby), so Zoe takes over. She empathizes with Lemon. There’s a bug going around and she’s feeling queasy and rundown, too. Lemon assumes Zoe is hiding her feelings behind a stomach bug. She tells Zoe that Wade is just afraid.

Later, Earl calls both Zoe and Wade to his house. Surprise! It’s reverse Parent Trap! The lovebirds are forced to air their differences. Eight weeks is long enough for a stalemate. Zoe asks Wade how he is supposed to trust her if he won’t give her a chance. At the same time, she wants it to be genuine. He stares at her blankly. Once again, she leaves—and once again, I throw something at my big-screen. This is getting ridiculous.

Earl thinks so too. He gently implies that taking a chance on love, even if it ends in heartbreak, is worth the risk. THANK YOU, EARL.

Wade walks up to Zoe’s door and knocks. I squeal. He invites Zoe to dinner. I may have stood up. He apologizes for waiting so long and tells her he loves her and he wants to give this a try. I high-five myself.

Zoe: You were right. This is never going to work out. I’m sorry, but it’s too late.
Lincee: Wait, what?

I should have known better than to think this love story was going to end with an “as you wish” in episode 1. We have to wade through the Fire Swamp and Pit of Despair before we get to happily ever after. I’m okay with that.

Hart of DixieAB dances into Lemon’s house with a basket full of pickles and ice cream. Lemon’s test results came in, and there’s a bun in the oven! Lemon swears she’s not pregnant and is truly is suffering from a virus. She and Henry haven’t had sex. He’s a puppet for hire to get her grandmother off her back! But if Lemon isn’t preggo, who is?

A baby Zade destined to have great abs and impeccable fashion sense.

Bilson Baby Bump Bingo
Kitchen counter
Big purse
Tray of medical supplies
Huge pillow

Hart of Dixie returns Friday, Jan. 9, on The CW.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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