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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: Haters gonna hate, cheaters gonna cheat

Season 3 | Episode 6 | “Kiss and Tell” | Aired Dec 8, 2014

If you have been following Vanderpump Rules as loyally as I have, you’ll realize that each season focuses on the downfall of one of the power couples. Season 1 demolished Jax and Stassi; season 2 was the Tom Sandoval-Kristen-Ariana triangle of never-ending deception. It seems this season Tom Schwartz and Katie’s relationship is the next to go down in flames on national television. Who will it be in season 4? Lisa and Giggy? (“Oh God, yes, please. Help me!” —Giggy)

This week was filled with crying, lying, dying (as in, my faith in true love), and guy-ing (okay, that was a stretch.).

This crew doesn’t seem to understand that tattoos are permanent. We all know how Jax will get a girl’s name branded on him after the first date, and Scheana and Kristen have matching treble clefs (because they “like music”). Now we find that Kristen and Katie also have matching “Let It Be” tattoos, signifying that they are totally chill and always let things go.

Jax sees himself as John Coffey in The Green Mile. In therapy, he explains that the movie came on and he just lost it. Here was John, just an angel sent to Earth to help this woman, but no one understands him. “You really connected to that,” his therapist is able to say with a straight face.

Kristen must have watched a lot of reality shows, because she calls for a “big meeting.” You know, the kind where she gets professionally styled to meet someone at a restaurant for a big talk. Meanwhile, the producers make sure Stassi comes later, so they can get some shots of Kristen waiting uncomfortably. I think she’s never looked better. Also, these are the faces she makes.Kristen Doute Kristen Doute Kristen Doute

Her big news? She wants to tell Stassi that she heard from Jax and Scheana that Tom Schwartz slept with Jax’s girlfriend’s best friend in Vegas and made out with one of Scheana’s friends. Her motivation? Everyone exiled her for cheating, and now everyone else is doing it. She’s coming to Stassi because Stassi is like the Godfather of the group, I suppose.

Also, how did Stassi find a time machine and steal my outfit from the first day of ninth grade?

The special at Sur today is Chilean sea bass. Just a reminder that there’s an actually functioning restaurant in the show.

For bartenders, being asked to “pass trays” is pretty much worse than killing their grandmother. “It’s so demeaning!” whines Tom Sandoval, when he, Schwartz, and Jax are asked to do so at a special event at Pump bar. The event? A 50 Gay Mayors celebration where, you guessed it, 50 gay mayors from around the globe will pay tribute to Lisa Vanderpump, self-appointed queen of gay men. Jax is spilling drinks everywhere, but don’t blame him, blame the fact that Pump does not have any shirts that fit him.

Jax at Pump Bar

Lisa also practices for her standup comedy set: “Who would have thought 10 years ago we’d have 50 mayors? Now they’ll all come together in my restaurant. Not literally.”

Tom Schwartz drives a Mini Cooper. Of course he does—he needs a car that is adorable as he is.

Jax really has it out for Katie. He gossips up a storm around Sur, but when Katie and Tom Schwartz want to talk to him, he has a full-blown temper tantrum. He and Katie resort to screaming “I hate you!” and “I hate you more!” I mean, so much like John Coffey would have done.

Did Jax really get a nose job? Can anyone else tell?

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Wait … what is this now? Tom Schwartz admits to making out with another girl while he and Katie are together? Okay, it was after a big fight, didn’t mean anything …

Oh no, Schwartz goes over to Jax’s to find out what he told Katie about him—and he doesn’t exactly deny sleeping with the girl in Vegas. Well, faithful readers, I’m sorry to report that these recaps are no longer sponsored by my crush on Tom Schwartz. Especially after Schwartz decides not to hold anything against Jax, because, as he puts it, “There’s a word for a guy who stays mad at another guy—it’s called a girl.”

I really can’t help feel bad for Katie, as her boyfriend continues to associate with people who are horrible to her and doesn’t seem to mind that they make her upset. Or, as Stassi puts it, “Jax should probably be stoned to death.”

Stassi Schroeder

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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