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'New Girl' recap: North Pole playa

Season 4 | Episode 11 | “LAXmas” | Aired Dec 9, 2014

It’s mid-December and that means New Girl is decking the halls for a fun-filled holiday episode. Instead of bullying residents of Candy Cane Lane to turn on their lights or caroling in the children’s ward where Dr. Sam works, our loftmates will bravely venture into an environment that is neither joyful nor triumphant. That’s right. It’s Christmastime at LAX.

While making out in the prop closet during the winter recital, Ryan asks Jess if she would like to join him in London for the holidays. Jess is concerned that there are at least seven relationship steps they would need to master before she ventures across the pond to meet the parents. Ryan promises it will be casual.

Everyone prepares to squish into Coach’s car for one last holiday hang on the way to the airport. Nick and Winston are headed to Chicago, Cece and Schmidt are both spending the holidays in New York, and Coach is ditching his family for Hawaii. Jess hands out prepacked snack bags before Outside Dave takes a pic (choosing a good filter), and they are off!

New Girl 2LAX is a madhouse. People are throwing gifts, babies are screaming and grandmas are running over toes in their scooters. The Midwest has been hit by a storm and everything is delayed. Jess leaves a message for Ryan, explaining that she will be late. Visions of sugarplums dancing over his sweet niece’s head make Coach consider a last-minute change to Detroit. Jess scores some red-eye tickets for Cece and Schmidt.

Schmidt: What do I look like? A 24-year-old who’s too afraid to break up with his college girlfriend?

When Jess tries to charm her way into getting Nick and Winston moved up on the standby list, she’s denied by Barry the Attendant (Billy Eichner) for being too nice. Holiday cheer makes Barry angry.

Jess receives a fun text from Ryan. It’s a picture of his house. Is Ryan’s last name Darcy? Because I’m sure if someone toured the east wing they would find his sister plinking away on a pianoforte. To quote Nick, “Ryan is McDuck rich!” Nick senses that Jess is upset, but she rushes them off to their gate before her insecurities set in.

Jess bellies up to the bar and drowns her holiday woes. She can’t help but notice the man sitting next to her looks like Santa. She embraces the stereotype and instead of asking for knitting needles, Jess asks for advice. Should she bail on the trip since her boyfriend’s rich family probably won’t approve of her?

Santa: Why don’t you come with me to family bathroom, sit on my lap and I’ll give you the ride you’ll never forget. North Pole playa for life!

Luckily Barry is there to scare Bad Santa away and quickly becomes Jess’ confidant and drinking buddy.

Side note: Did you get that feeling that you knew Santa but couldn’t put your finger on who he was? Get ready for a revelation. Santa was played by Dennis Haskins. MR. BELDING HIMSELF! MYSTERY SOLVED! Thank you, Twitterverse.

Schmidt and Cece get first-class lounge passes with all the other HBO Go subscribers. Schmidt is intrigued by Manhattan rich guy Robert, who probably takes one bite of lobster and throws the rest in the trash. Schmidt happily adopts a rich man’s persona, until Robert asks to take a run at Cece in exchange for his Gold Select airport lounge card. Schmidt calls him a dirty old bitch, drops a little 5-1-6 area code action and gives a shout-out to the ultimate Piano Man. Billy Joel, sucka. Long Island represent!

Over at the regular people’s gate, Nick and Winston decide to convince a bunch of travelers not to fly so they will move up on the standby list. Nick starts hinting that earlier he was drinking and smoking weed with the pilots. Winnie takes another approach. Fake breast-feeding. Your guess is as good as mine.

Jess is still at the bar with Barry, complaining about how Ryan is out of her league. Barry agrees. When Anna and Mr. Bates live downstairs in your boyfriend’s mansion, you need to check yourself and make sure you belong. People think Christmas is supposed to be like Love Actually. But it’s not, because “God Only Knows” will never play in the closing credits of this story. Especially since Reverse Santa just stole Jess’ gifts.

New Girl 1Jess texts Ryan that her flight has been canceled. Barry feels bad and offers her a Christmas miracle. He can fly her first class to Pittsburgh. Surely she can pass for a Latin pop star, right? Jess has another idea. Two first-class tickets to Chicago for Winston and Nick.

Nick calls Jess to tell her first class smells like wealthy people. He hears an airport announcement through the phone and immediately knows that Jess isn’t on a plane to London. Jess is in the taxi line when she hears Nick call her name. She turns and all five friends are standing there, ready to make her take a leap of faith with Ryan. They run through the airport after ditching a slow-moving cart to the tune of “God Only Knows” by She and Him. She lands in London looking like a million bucks and calls Ryan, only to learn that he is in LA!

She needs to wait 17 hours for his return. No worries. Mrs. Patmore will make sure to have biscuits ready when she gets to the Abbey.

New Girl Notables

Schmidt: Why did I agree to ride to the airport with everyone? I’m an aspiring millionaire. I should be taking a town car, not packed six deep like a Hasidic family going to the bulk food store.

Jess: It’s Christmas.
Barry: Oh I didn’t know that. I thought they did a black version of Annie for no reason.

Schmidt: He disrespected something more important to me than any stupid lounge.
Cece: Daniel Craig’s tailoring?

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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