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'Family Guy' recap: Jesus tries to covet his Peter's wife

Season 13 | Episode 6 | “The 2,000-Year-Old Virgin” | Aired Dec 7, 2014

Among Family Guy‘s greatest accomplishments may be its ability to get away with any topic on television. On Thanksgiving, the show tackled the tangled web of family drama. For Christmas, Seth MacFarlane and his team played with religion.

The episode starts off at Quahog Mall, where the Griffins shop for holiday presents. Oh, there’s so much to make fun of at the mall. Within three minutes of the opening scene, writers mock depressing American food courts, the creepy, rapey nature of Hawaiian shirts, and the guitar-playing college stoners who watch Family Guy.

Lois spots Jesus Christ at the Brookstone store, and they walk over to chat. After some friendly conversation, Jesus invites Peter over to catch up over a beer. When Peter shows up, Jesus welcomes him into a small studio. “Peter, mi casa is, uh, I don’t know Spanish,” he trails off. “I think half the world be surprised to know that,” Peter says.

Jesus’ place turns out to be a sad, poorly-furnished hole in the wall with a futon instead of a bed. He’s not really into material possessions after all. Peter asks what Jesus is doing for Christmas/His birthday. “I can’t deal with my family during Christmas,” Jesus admits. He’s just like the rest of us! Actually, he’s worse off. He plans to spend Christmas reheating some ramen and watching Grey’s Anatomy. Feeling bad for the guy, Peter promises to throw Jesus a birthday party.

Peter promises Jesus the best birthday ever.

While trying to plan the party, Peter asks what kind of girls Jesus likes, who responds like a clueless virgin. “Hot ladies. Uh, horny ones who sex on you,” Jesus trails off. “You know, they come back to your house and sit on your butt.” Quickly, Quagmire realizes Jesus has never been with a woman. Jesus explains how he once got friendzoned by Mary Magdalene in high school. And then he died.

Peter vows to put Jesus’ 2,000-year-long cold streak to bed, literally. When Peter shares his plan with Lois, she warns him to be careful. “It’s his first time,” she says. “You need to be more sensitive.” But Peter brings Jesus to O’Reilly’s Tavern for a speed-dating night, and he strikes out with every woman he meets.

So Peter tries to set Jesus up with online dating, but Joe calls Peter out for looking at pornography with underage girls (along with apparently everybody else in Quahog, based on the pile of laptops pulled out of the ocean).

After Peter repeatedly fails to set Jesus up with a nice girl, Lois takes Jesus out to lunch to offer friendly advice from a woman’s perspective. She tells him to be himself, but Jesus says he doesn’t think he’s that impressive. Lois convinces him otherwise (the whole “dying for our sins” thing) and boosts his confidence.

Jesus decides wants to lose his virginity to her. Peter is outraged, “but not as outraged as the 10 million Christian viewers watching.” Peter urges viewers to write to the Family Television Council to “stop those Hollywood Jew writers from wrecking my marriage and your religion!” Hey, it’s not Christmas unless Peter breaks the fourth wall.

Jesus begs Peter and promises to give him anything he wants in return. This changes things. Peter immediately concedes in exchange for a Brookstone massage chair. It’s harder for Peter to convince Lois, but Peter talks up Jesus so much that Lois feels flattered to be the one Jesus picked. Good grief—is this a veiled Cosby commentary? She gets dolled up for their big night, while Peter brings his new Brookstone chair to the bar and relaxes.

While in the massage chair, Peter slips into a daydream of floating down a river, which screeches to halt when he imagines Lois and Jesus together. He snaps out of it and yells that he’s made a terrible mistake. Other bar patrons overhear Peter and say Jesus slept with all of their wives on Christmas too. “He just acts lonely and lies about a being a virgin so he can get with guys’ wives,” says one.

Peter sets out to stop Jesus and Lois at the hotel. His car won’t start and the roads are slippery, but Peter steals a kid’s toboggan (and hat and gloves) and makes it to the hotel. It turns out Lois couldn’t go through with it. Peter hugs her and accuses Jesus of being a liar.

Jesus applauds them both and pretends the whole night was a test of their faith. “Uh, this holiest of days is about appreciating our loved ones and resisting temptation …” Well-taught, Jesus. Well-taught.

The episode ends with a well-placed reference to Love Actually, when Stewie receives a Joni Mitchell CD for Christmas instead of a necklace from his teddy bear, Rupert. Mayor Adam West puts on the necklace at home, planning to let that teddy bear go all the way. Rupert, how could you?

Line of the Week: Jesus asks a woman while speed-dating: “How’s the wine? That’s my blood, you know.”

Cutaway of the Week: A woman plans her 30th birthday with her girlfriends: “I don’t care what we do for my birthday as long as it’s a week long and very expensive and inconvenient for all my friends.”

Family Guy airs Sundays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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