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'The Librarians' premiere recap, part one: King Me

Season 1 | Episode 1 | “And the Crown of King Arthur” | Aired Dec 7, 2014

After three successful TV movies and 10 years as The Librarian of the magical New York Metropolitan Library, Flynn Carsen (Noah Wyle) is an expert at everything, including showing up at inopportune, if essential, moments. Like now, in Berlin, where Colonel Eve Baird (Rebecca Romijn) of the NATO counterterrorism unit has just led a commando squad into a warehouse in pursuit of weapons of mass destruction. That’s always a good time. Eve’s in a tense standstill with terrorists, complete with ticking time bomb. That doesn’t faze Flynn’s pursuit of the Opal of Simara, recovered by the Teutonic Knights during the Third Crusade, stolen by the Nazi Occult Division (hate those guys), and, as Flynn quickly discovers, still locked in a magical safe. Dangerous and valuable, the opal summons demons but doesn’t control them. “That’s demonologists for you,” Flynn chides. “Careless. Homicidal.” Flynn, have you met Constantine?

The protector

Using a tuning fork, Flynn unlocks the magical safe, which sets off a trap he has three minutes to dissolve before all the corpses in the area turn into zombies. Nazi zombies? Handily, that’s also the time left on the ticking bomb. Flynn helps Eve defuse the bomb (under gunfire) and disarms the magical safe’s booby trap with the exact same numeric code based on the Stations of the Cross. Huzzah!

Welcome to The Librarians. This is gonna be fun!

Back in the States, there’s a man who is desperate to speak with Flynn but he’s murdered first in The Library’s foyer by Matt Frewer, doing a credible impersonation of Colonel Toht.

There’s a fancy shmancy invitation waiting for Eve at home for a job interview at The Library, where Charlene (Jane Curtain) explains that Eve will be Guardian to Flynn’s Librarian, the brawn to his brain. I don’t care how much CGI it uses; I am a book and history nerd, and that pan of The Library gives me full-on chills.

Flynn makes his entrance in full Errol Flynn mode, parrying with Excalibur. When the sword tries to kill Eve, she’s told that wounds from the sword never heal. Like that’s not gonna come back to slash someone soon. Flynn, of course, protests Eve being hired as his guardian, even though librarians are only replaced when they die. Though don’t worry about Judson, the First Librarian (Bob Newhart). His spirit lives on, literally, as it’s embedded in the standing mirror in Flynn’s study.

Flynn’s investigating the murder of noted archaeologist Dr. Jonas Shier (in the foyer with the knife). When he discovers that Shier was an alternate candidate for The Librarian position ten years ago, when Flynn got the job, he and Eve realize that someone’s killing librarian potentials. Flynn and Eve need to track down the ones who didn’t show up.

The brain

First stop: New York, where they find Cassandra Cillian (Lindy Booth). Cassandra is a genius who has a condition called synesthesia that produces auditory and sensory hallucinations linked to memory retrieval. Numbers appear as colors, science as musical notes, and math as scents…mostly food.

The thief

Flynn and Eve split up to retrieve the next two potentials. He warns her to be ready for anything. “Ninjas, possibly.” Eve: “Ninjas? In Oklahoma?”

At a museum in Geneva, Flynn retrieves Master Thief Ezekiel Jones (John Kim). Finn: “Come to New York. Find out why people are trying to kill you.” Good sales pitch.

At a bar in Oklahoma sits oil rigger and expert art historian Jacob Stone (Christian Kane), who speaks fluent Italian and goes to church, and whose attempt to chat up the beautiful Lamia (Lesley-Ann Brandt) ends in a bar fight just as Eve arrives. Jake: “Who are these guys?” Eve: “Ninjas? Possibly?” Jake: “In Oklahoma?!” Snort.

The defender

Flynn gives the new recruits the 10-cent tour and basic breakdown of The Library and its greatest hits. My favorite was The Judas Chalice. New Orleans, man. See, magic once traveled along the planet’s ley lines. Over the centuries, it’s been drained and stored in artifacts like Excalibur. As magic fades, The Librarians make sure any lingering power stays out of the wrong hands. Like Nazis. Hate those guys.

Alas, this time it’s the evil Serpent Brotherhood, led by Lamia, who want the crown of King Arthur, forged by Merlin, to help Arthur control the magic he used to build Camelot—as depicted in the painting the dead Dr. Shier wanted to give to Flynn. The Brotherhood want magic back in the world but need the crown to control it, because a world of wild magic will bring chaos and suffering. We definitely don’t want that.

Off to the Munich museum, where the original painting is on display! While Eve fights off The Brotherhood, the rest use their unique talents to determine that the painting’s a fake. A binary code embedded its frame gives coordinates that lead to a sundial with Celtic directions, which points them to the Black Forest. Got all that?Flynn jury rigs a cutting tool

In the forest is a henge. In the henge is a hidden cache. In the hidden cache is the crown of King Arthur. Cassandra does the math in seconds (after scent of oranges and breakfast) and they recreate the solstice sunlight effect to reveal the hidden cache. Flynn jury-rigs a welding torch from an oxygen tank and some prosciutto stuffed into a cucumber and leaves Jake and Cassandra to it. Eve holds off the Brotherhood while Flynn engages Lamia and her samurai sword in a duel with a crow bar and Ezekiel rigs the chopper to explode. Helicopter go boom.

Exploding helicopterOnce back at The Library, everyone agrees the potentials did well for their first time out—that is, until The Brotherhood breech The Library, something no one can do unless the magical security is disabled from the inside. Flynn calls “Cal” to arms, and Jake’s inner fanboy squees, “He’s got a flying sword!” as Excalibur wings through the air to Flynn’s hand. But Flynn’s too late to save the crown from Lamia, who’s waiting with Cassandra, the betrayer. “They said they can save me,” she confesses. There’s sword play and fisticuffs until Lamia finally puts the crown on her head.

Together, Charlene and Judson’s spirit in the sky seal the library. With the crown on her head, Lamia controls Excalibur. She turns the sword on Flynn, striking him deep. And wounds from Excalibur never heal…

To be continued…

Check out part two of The Librarians premiere here.

The Librarians airs Sundays at 8/9C on TNT.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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