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Our Christmas wish list for 'The Fosters'

As the wise men collectively known as ‘N Sync once said, “Merry Christmas, merry Christmas, merry Christmas, happy holidays!” It’s early December, which means the holiday spirit is alive and kicking—especially on TV.

This year, since we’ve all been such good girls and boys, ABC Family is gifting us with a special holiday episode of The Fosters. “Christmas Past” airs Monday, Dec. 8, at 8 p.m. (or watch it online or on demand now) and takes a look back at Callie and Jude’s first Christmas with the Foster family.

It’s sure to be full of enviable group hugs, sweet kisses under the mistletoe, loud Christmas sweaters, and some sexual angst between semi-brothers and sisters. I can’t wait!

In anticipation of this Christmas episode, I’ve been dreaming up the ultimate gift list for the entire family. But since I can’t personally attend the Christmas morning festivities at the Foster house—my family would miss me too much and also the Fosters are fictional—I decided the next best thing was to share my list with you.

During the special, we’ll get a glimpse of the family’s first Christmas together, but I think the Fosters could use some top-notch gifts this Christmas as well. They’ve all been relatively nice this year—except for Jesus, who just can’t help it.

Teri Polo and Sherri Saum get in the holiday spirit for ABC Family

For Stef: Season tickets to the San Diego Padres

Out of all the Fosters, I think Stef really deserves some “me time.” Just recently she’s had to put up with crazy rapist Dani, losing a child, the Ana situation, the Robert Quinn situation, and Mike calling her out on the Mrs. Brady mullet she used to rock back in the day. It’s been quite a year, and this mama needs to let her hair down. What better way to do that than the age-old tradition of tossing on a baseball cap, sipping a cold beer, and heckling a few outfielders?

For Lena: A job at Girls United

Oh, in this scenario, I’m a Santa Claus who is also a headhunter for nonprofits. It makes perfect sense—Lena needs a job, Girls United could use the help, and she’d be great at it. Think of all the pep talks and hugs she could give to those girls! On top of Lena saving lives and receiving a steady paycheck, we’d get to look forward to more Girls United stories; that would be a very merry thing indeed.

For Jude: A nail-art starter kit

Jude, it’s almost 2015—time to step up the nail-polish game, dude. Judicorn needs some unicorns on those fingers! Okay, no, that’s probably pretty complicated for beginners. Start with hearts, or bow ties. Then graduate to hearts wearing bow ties, then unicorns. Connor’s dad will love it. Psych! He’ll hate it, but he’s the worst. Connor’s dad is totally getting coal in his stocking.

Jake T. Austin and Cierra Ramirez feeling festive for ABC Family

For Jesus: A coupon for one free tattoo removal

Merry Christmas, Jesus! Here’s a coupon for one free tattoo removal. You make terrible life decisions, and getting your crazy girlfriend Hayley’s name tattooed in giant letters down your side to prove you’re interested in her for reasons other than sex tops the list. This coupon is your ticket to starting 2015 tattoo and girlfriend free—take it!

For Mariana: A VHS of MTV’s The Grind Workout: Hip Hop Aerobics

Now that Lena can’t pull any strings for the Anchor Beach dance team, Mariana has to rely on her skills to stay on the squad. And let’s be honest: she has none. Since Mariana is my favorite, I’m bestowing on her a gift from my personal collection: a VHS copy of MTV’s The Grind Workout: Hip Hop Aerobics. Eric Nies taught me everything I know, and based on my Vanilla Ice performance at my brother’s wedding this past fall—that’s a lot. Mariana will be both popping and locking in no time.

David Lambert and Maia Mitchell under the mistletoe for ABC Family

For Brandon: A copy of the V.C. Andrews classic Flowers in the Attic

True, Brandon and Callie are not biological siblings (they’re not even legally siblings at the moment), and sure, maybe Braille is meant to be and they’ll end up happily ever after, but it could also be a complete and total nightmare. I just think B needs to cover his bases. Knowledge is power, Brandon.

For Callie: All the presents

Callie gets a pony! And a new car! And a timeshare in Tampa! Callie gets all the presents because man, that girl’s had a tough life. When she has no family, there’s drama. When she has multiple families, there’s drama. Sister can’t catch a break. So, Callie gets everything she wants—unless what she wants is to continue to make out with her almost-brother. It’s the holidays and this Santa Claus just can’t condone that.

Well, we reached the bottom of my gift bag. If you could send along a present to any member of the Foster clan, who would it be and what would you send?

Check back on the EW Community blog next week for a full recap of ABC Family’s The Fosters Christmas special!

The “Christmas Past” airs Monday, Dec. 8, at 8/7C on ABC Family.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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