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'New Girl' recap: Sucker punch

Season 4 | Episode 10 | “Girl Fight” | Aired Dec 2, 2014

Leave it to New Girl to accurately demonstrate the delicate dance associated with girl fighting. Eyes widen. Voices go up an octave. Compliments laced with a hint of sarcasm fly with reckless abandon. And if the altercation escalates to double syringe emojis, there may be no turning back. Girl fights are meticulously calculated and may last an entire month of Sundays.

Dudes just hit each other in the nads and bro it out after a few seconds before buying each other a beer. Crisis averted.

Girl fights always start small. In this instance, a darling bright yellow purse was the culprit that instigated a controversy between Jess and Cece. Both spotted the purse. Both wanted the purse. Both lavished each other with encouraging permission to buy the purse. Both agreed neither should have the purse. In the spirit of sisterhood, of course.

Schmidt: You mean the neon-yellow leather purse with the strap? I’ve seen that. In your closet, Jess. I wonder how many rubber duckies died to make that thing?

Cece eyes a mortified Jess, admires her top, bids farewell in a random Valley Girl voice, and bolts out the door. Let the games begin.

Schmidt and Coach find Jess in her room, cradling the adorable miscreant. She’s a feminist who loves purses, and it may have cost her a friend. Schmidt suggests she just apologize, but that won’t work. Jess and Cece have been friends for 20 years. The best way to handle this situation is to not talk to Cece for three days, surprise her with a latte, and act like nothing happened. In the spirit of nonconfrontational sisterhood, of course.

New GirlMeanwhile, Nick has ironed his best shirt (not the short-sleeve turtleneck his Ma bought him in 2009, thank goodness) for his date with Tran’s granddaughter, Kai. At dinner, they agree that first dates are the worst. Nick is elated when Kai confesses that she would really like to sit around and do nothing. Our favorite bartender has met his perfect match. Coach and Winston agree that Nick and Kai are made for each other, until the lethargic duo remains firmly planted on the couch after three days, only getting up to pilfer batteries from the smoke detector to fix the remote control. The cuteness rapidly transforms into weird.

You know what else is weird? Jess and Cece’s girl fight. A piping hot latte in Jess’ left hand was rebuked by a familiar yellow purse in Cece’s right hand. Schmidt sold his soul by securing the blessed bag for a mere glimpse of Harold and Kumar. We are now in unchartered territory.

Then the emoji war begins. A yellow heart (YELLOW?) trumps a smiley face (WHAT?), which follows a Chinese man/ballerina/apartment-building combo (DIABOLICAL!) in only a few seconds. Jess resorts to dropping a poop emoji and is quickly met with a double syringe. Yes. A double syringe. Sent in the spirit of passive-aggressive sisterhood, of course.

Back in the living room, Winston tries to convince Nick that Kai must be homeless. She is vague about where she lives, she never has to leave for work, and she wears lots and lots of layers. Nick thinks Winston is experiencing a nervous breakdown to avoid studying for his exam. That is, until he finds Kai asleep under some newspapers.

Nick decides to embrace his dream girl’s homelessness. He gently asks her to not be afraid to share her home. Wherever it is. She shouldn’t be intimidated by his rock-star life, not to mention the fact that he owns half of the stuff in the room, including the extra pillowcase. Kai happily takes Nick to her house. Her large, fancy house. To his surprise, Kai is loaded, and she has enough cash to offer Nick $200 to skip work and stay with her. He’s a self-proclaimed boy hooker and he owns it.

New GirlAcross town, Jess barges into Nadia’s baby shower to confront Cece about the double-syringe fiasco. You remember Nadia, right? She is the model who broke Schmidt’s penis. She likes Mickey Mouse and Wilma Valderrama, and plans on naming her baby “Baby” because it’s funny. Schmidt follows Jess into the shower (Nadia: “Hi, Jew!”) and immediately calls Coach when Jess and Cece size each other up like angry statues. Coach has been preparing for this moment his entire life. He has three sisters, after all, and wore a cup until he was 14.

Coach arrives just as Jess and Cece surrender to 20 years of pent-up frustration. Tears flow. Voices growl. Criticism dripping with condemnation flies with reckless abandon. Coach assesses the situation, calls the fight to order, and suggests the girls take a trip to Mars. That’s right. They should man up and punch each other.

Cece straps on a pair and dives for Jess’ throat. Soon the other women pile on and the room transforms into a WWE wrestling match. Cece throws a punch. Jess grabs a breast pump and goes for Cece’s eyes. In the spirit of cracked-out sisterhood, of course.

Cut to the hospital where a black-eyed Jess and a red-eyed Cece laugh and make up, just like bros. The assault was just what the doctor ordered. There’s no word on who gets the yellow purse. I assume they will share custody.

New Girl Notables

Schmidt: Do I have to spend three days without Cece?
Jess: Yes. I don’t trust you around her. She makes you weak. And penis dumb.

Nick: She’s not homeless. Her grandpa is Tran.
Winston: Where does he hang out?
Nick [defeated]: A park bench.

Winston: Maybe you should give her our can opener. Everybody gives bums cans, but they can’t open them.

Nick: She’s rich. She founded some company that sells fancy water bottles to rich people to pay for digging wells in Africa. It’s a scam called consulting.

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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