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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: Don't make Tom cry

Season 3 | Episode 5 | “In the Doghouse” | Aired Dec 1, 2014

Bonus quiz! Which Vanderpump Rules star are you?

Where do you work?

1. Sur
2. Sur, when I feel like it
3. Sur, when I’m not suspended
4. I like hobbies, not jobs

What do you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend?

1. Someone attractive
2. Someone who has modeled in the past
3. Someone named Tom
4. Someone I work with

What is your biggest fear?

1. My boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on me
2. My hair looks bad on camera
3. I’ll be fired from Sur
4. Lisa won’t invite me to the staff fashion shoot

What do you do on your time off?

1. Go tanning
2. Go out to eat and bitch about coworkers
3. Get drunk at Mixology
4. Look for large bejeweled bib necklaces


  • If you picked mostly 1s, you’re either Stassi, Kristen, Katie, Tom Sandoval, Tom Schwartz, Scheana, or Jax
  • If you picked mostly 2s, you’re either Stassi, Kristen, Katie, Tom Sandoval, Tom Schwartz, Scheana, or Jax
  • If you picked mostly 3s, you’re either Stassi, Kristen, Katie, Tom Sandoval, Tom Schwartz, Scheana, or Jax
  • If you picked mostly 4s, you’re either Stassi, Kristen, Katie, Tom Sandoval, Tom Schwartz, Scheana, or Jax. But probably Stassi.

Stassi Schroeder

If this season of Vanderpump Rules has taught us anything, it’s that Tom Schwartz is a fragile, sensitive soul. He’s often on the verge of tears, and you know what? We still love him. He’s still our show crush. Sure, he shouldn’t have quit Pump after one shift, but he got scared.

He brings Ariana and Tom Sandoval to pick out a puppy for Katie. Katie, you see, has been talking about babies and marriage. I mean, how dare she as an adult woman want fulfillment! Tom Schwartz can’t decide which puppy to get. “I can’t even decide what I want for lunch!” he says, while being distracted by his phone. He decides on Gordo, a small dog that looks like an old man. Like Lisa’s dog Giggy if Giggy had a will to live. Then someone mistakes Tom Schwartz for a cute puppy and tries to adopt him.

Lisa has lunch with Stylin’ Stassi at Sur (tongue twister!) and asks her to work as her stylist for a magazine cover she’s doing for Frontiers magazine. Lisa brags that it’s a high-profile gay magazine and they rarely have women on the cover, so it’s an honor for her. And for us, of course! Scheana arrives at their table and acts like a brat—er, I mean, takes their order. Stassi tells Lisa about their fight and Lisa is all, I can’t keep up with all this drama, I gotta get ready to be Queen of the Gays.

Tom Sandoval accompanies Jax to his follow-up nose-job appointment. We are treated to a close-up of the doctor removing pus-soaked bandages and mucusy splints from his nostrils. Tom can’t really tell the difference between his new nose and the old one. What they can agree on is that Jax’s doctor is the best-looking guy they have ever seen. So much that Tom’s eyes are bugging out ogling him. Rest assured, everyone—Jax reminds us that he and Tom are the “most hetero guys alive.”

Jax arrives at Sur with a bandage on his nose, grumbling that everyone is asking about it. Katie asks how he is and he retorts, “Did Stassi let you talk to me?” And then he BRINGS UP SCHEANA’S FRIGGIN’ TOOTH SURGERY AGAIN from last season and how Katie didn’t call her either. Katie leaves, Scheana comes over, and Jax is more than happy to keep the gossip going. Apparently Jax saw Katie “motorboating a guy’s crotch.” Jax uses actual finger quotes when he says that, so … does that mean something other than it seems? Jax, now high on gossip, kvetches about Katie to Kristen, who has returned to work after her suspension.

Stassi Sschroeder styles Lisa Vanderpump

Meanwhile, Stassi arrives at Lisa’s mansion to be her stylist for Publicity Stunt Magazine. As Lisa puts it, anyone interested in fashion should love the chance to style for a magazine cover. Stassi even got to style Giggy! Meanwhile, Giggy tapped his paw, using Morse code to spell out “Please put me out of my misery.”
Lisa Vanderpump and Giggy pose for a pnoto shoot
Stassi is irritated that she had to run around for Lisa all day, doing the work FOR FREE. And thus is my favorite trope in reality shows, when someone claims they have ambitions to become something but then complains the first time they actually have to work for it. The all-time best was when Heidi Montag dropped out of school to work for a club promotion company but then balked at the fact she had to work eight hours in one day. I miss The Hills about as much Tom cared about the shows DVR’d on his cable box.
Katie Maloney
Kristen confronts Katie at Sur. Katie defends her so-called cheating with a guy at the club, claiming she was just doing a “photo shoot.” Kristen utters the quote of the decade: “Motorboating his dick is not a photo shoot.” Actually, can we change the name of this show to that? Kristen would have had the last word, but I’m pretty sure she flashes the camera when she adjusts her Sur dress.
Jax Taylor and Tom Schwartz
Jax and the Toms meet Katie for brunch, and Jax angrily eats French fries and accuses Katie of being a cheater. And the ultimate burn: “Are you allowed to be out? Did you even ask Stassi if you could come out?” A record number of STFUs are uttered around the table, and poor Tom Schwartz is trying not to cry. Katie is mad that Tom Schwartz is not sticking up for her more and she leaves. Poor Tom Schwartz can’t eat because he has a nervous tummy.
Tom Schwartz and Jax Taylor
Other things that happen:

  • James brags that Kristen told him that he is better in bed than Tom Sandoval and his penis is bigger.
  • Jax and the two Toms go on a bike ride together like they are in Stand by Me. The first half.
  • Katie and Tom call each other “Bubbe and Bubba.” It’s about as adorable as Jax’s nose gauze.

Good news: Bravo ordered more episodes to be filmed:

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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