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'Haven' recap: Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am

Season 5 | Episode 12 | “Chemistry” | Aired Nov 28, 2014

The morning after is never quite what you expect, especially when you are waking up next to Haven‘s resident psychotic evil queen. Mara wants to cuddle up with some pillow talk, but Duke is not in the mood. With his Mara sexcapades out of his system, Duke is ready to hunt for aether. Mara has come a long way in season five. Just a few episodes ago she was chained in Duke’s basement. Now he is giving Mara full range of his cabin while he takes a jaunt around the neighborhood.

While he is trying to track down the elusive black glue, Duke gets a distress call from Mara. He rushes back to the cabin, but Mara is gone and the place is a wreck. Duke catches a break (or so it seems) and finds some DNA from the kidnapper. Gloria manages to identify the DNA as Kirk, the oxygen-sucking man.

Dwight wants to give the rest of the aether to Charlotte for research, but of course it is not in the safe. Nathan assumes that Duke has it, but he quickly figures out that Kirk is the thief. Something fishy is definitely going on with this Kirk guy. There is no way a random minor character is so well connected.

Duke and Nathan both head to Kirk’s house to investigate, and they are not happy to see each other. Nathan tries to talk Duke out of his insane trust in Mara, but Duke doesn’t want to hear it and hits Nathan over the head with a wrench. Duke finds Kirk and confronts him about the aether. The scuffle gets a bit out of hand, and some of Kirk’s blood gets on Duke, which triggers super Duke. Super Duke goes all silver eyes and Kirk never stands a chance. Kirk is dead and Duke has yet another trouble rumbling around in his system.

Haven season 5 episode 12

Duke tracks down one of Kirk’s friends on his quest for the aether, but Kirk’s friend has no clue what Duke is talking about. Duke hulks out again, so Kirk’s friend locks himself in his trailer. The oxygen starts to get sucked out of the trailer and the two other people trapped in it can’t breathe. Without any blood exchanged, Duke was able to transfer Kirk’s trouble onto his friend.

Nathan finds Duke at the Gull for a little powwow, but they are interrupted by an ominous delivery man. Even the UPS guy can’t be trusted on Haven. The package contains the aether canister and a toe—Mara’s toe. Nathan assumes it was sent by Mara’s kidnapper, but Duke finally sees the big picture: This was Mara’s plan all along.

Mara is scot-free with the aether (thanks to Kirk), and she manages to turn Duke into a Crocker killing machine. She doesn’t care about Duke; she is just using him like she does with everyone. Duke is beyond upset and begins to cry, but he doesn’t cry tears. Mara has manipulated Duke’s trouble so that he cries aether. As long as Duke can’t control his emotions, Mara will have a never-ending supply of aether. Kudos, Mara—this was a brilliantly evil plan. We just wish it would have taken fewer episodes to set up.

Haven season 5 episode 12

Despite Dwight’s unyielding confidence in Charlotte (due in part to sexual attraction), Vince is adamant that Charlotte is hiding something. Vince steals a DNA sample to give to Gloria for analysis. Vince also discovers an Audrey file in Charlotte’s research. Charlotte has collected photos of Lucy, Sarah, Audrey, and Veronica. Audrey isn’t getting any better and recruits Charlotte to help her. But when Vince shows Audrey the file, she begins to doubt Charlotte’s true intentions.

Audrey agrees to help Vince find out who Charlotte really is using the government agency that is the hardest to dupe: the DMV. Audrey and Vince break into Charlotte’s car and find that it is registered to the CDC for a Dr. Charlotte Cross. Gloria finally finishes working on Charlotte’s DNA sample, and it does not match with the information on record with the CDC. Vince and Audrey still have no idea who Charlotte is.

The DMV information isn’t much help, but Audrey also finds an exact copy of Sarah’s ring in Charlotte’s glove compartment. Audrey has her copy and Nathan has his, so how is there a third ring lying around? And why does Charlotte have it?

Audrey and Nathan confront Charlotte about the file, but she passes it off as research to help with Audrey’s sickness. Then they pull out the ring and Charlotte is finally caught. Charlotte is not whom she says she is, and even Dwight has to accept that.

Charlotte asks Nathan to bring her the ring. But when he places it in Charlotte’s hand, he can feel her. That’s not supposed to happen. Charlotte holds Nathan’s hand and finally tells the gang who she is. Charlotte is Audrey’s (or rather Mara’s) mother. Crazy trouble scientist, sure, friend of Agent Howard, why not, but Audrey’s mother? That is a twist we definitely didn’t see coming.

Going into the Haven midseason finale, we have a lot of information and not a lot to do with it. Haven‘s fifth season has been an aimless mess of troubles. The overarching plot on Haven is usually strong enough to hold the episodic troubles together, but this season it is too complex. The Duke-Mara and Audrey-Charlotte plots in “Chemistry” are so disjointed, it feels like two separate episodes. With characters as rich as the townspeople of Haven, it’s sad to see the series deteriorate like Audrey’s cells. Hopefully Charlotte’s newly revealed identity as a member of troubled family royalty will help the second half of season five find a sense of direction.

Haven airs Fridays at 7/6C on Syfy.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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