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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: Nose jobs and goat-cheese balls

Season 3 | Episode 4 | “Jax Nose Best” | Aired Nov 24, 2014

In the latest installment of brawn versus beauty on Vanderpump Rules, Jax meets the Toms to get their eyebrows threaded. Tom Schwartz and Jax cackle about how weird it is. That’s not the weirdest thing happening. Jax is wearing capri pants, Tom and Tom are sneaking some alcohol into glasses in an alley, and Tom made T-shirts with a close-up photograph of Jax’s nose. If you didn’t know what it actually depicts, it would look obscene. Just Vanderpump Rules bros doin’ what bros do. Tom Sandoval drops some knowledge that kids will one day be studying in history books: “People put a lot of effort into their looks … and it shows. I put even more effort in so it doesn’t show.”

Stassi Schroeder

Stassi is still trying to convince us that she is over Sur. What better way to prove it than to stop by Sur for lunch? Ariana reports that she and Tom have been putting up shelves. Stassi gossips about Scheana and Kristen suddenly being best friends. So much, in fact, that they got matching tattoos. What is with these people and tattoos? She instructs Kristina to order her a Greek salad with a substitute of goat-cheese balls. Stassi says “goat-cheese balls” at least a hundred times. Ordering goat-cheese balls is Stassi’s bat signal when she needs attention, because soon afterward Katie pops in—she’d recognized the order.

Over at Pump, Michael, Pump’s manager (don’t worry about him, we’ll never see him again), tells Lisa that Tom Schwartz had a panic attack and walked off his shift. Lisa is obviously disgusted. I mean, she already forgave him 15 times for other screw-ups!

Lisa Vanderpump

Katie arrives home to find Tom Schwartz in his jammies. He explains that he felt unprepared for such a huge crowd and freaked out. It’s all fun and games here, but I do feel for Tom. He seems distraught about it, and not necessarily lazy about having to work. Katie rubs it in and tells him “even Jax can do that job.” Katie turns into Carrie Bradshaw and freaks out about Tom’s lack of commitment and inability to be a parent and husband. Tom apologizes sincerely—is it possible there’s someone with appropriate human emotions on this show? Can you tell Tom Schwartz is my show crush?

Jax heads into his “deviated septum” surgery. He’s afraid he will have penises drawn on his face by his friends. Thankfully, the cameras stay on during the surgery. If you enjoy watching plastic surgeons pulling cartilage out of a bloody nose wound, you’re in for a treat! Jax wakes up loopy, and whether he’s playing it up or not, it’s the funniest he’s been. He worries he got a Jay Leno chin and tells the nurse he loves her. Her reaction: “Sure, okay.” Tom Schwartz cries a little.

Jax Taylor

Katie and Stassi go to nosh and kibitz. Stassi is just so relieved that her boyfriend has, like, an actual career. (To fund her lifestyle of statement necklaces and goat-cheese balls?)

Tom Schwartz drives Jax home and nurses him back to health. I’d like to note that Jax only has a full-size bed. There’s a knock at the door and it’s “I’m not just your manager, I’m a cool manager!” Peter and … Lisa. Tom pees himself a little. Lisa takes delight in seeing Jax vulnerable and in pain. “I’m not sure I understand these young American men,” muses Lisa. “They’ve both got eyebrows like Greta Garbo.”

Tom continues to lament his quitting Pump. Jax tells him, “You didn’t walk out of Morgan Stanley. You quit a bartending job.” We’re all in agreement that Jax bandaged and on painkillers is the best Jax, correct? Tom Sandoval and Scheana stop by to revel in the schadenfreude. Scheana, surprisingly, is wearing almost no makeup and she’s never looked prettier. Maybe she took Tom Sandoval’s advice.

Did you know that Lisa and her husband, Ken, were chummy with Lance Bass and his boyfriend? Well, we know now because there’s an unnecessary scene where we see them having dinner together and Lisa fawns all over him. Outside, James nervously comes back through the back alley. He looks like he’s 16. Peter takes pity and asks Lisa what he should do. Lisa, tipsy on wine and the effervescent presence of Lance Bass, says, “Sure, someone needs to wash the dishes.” Peter tells him the good news, and Katie wonders why her man isn’t groveling at Lisa’s feet.

Vanderpump Rules cast at the US Weekly party

The gang, in their separate factions, head to a party put on by Us Weekly. It’s exactly what you’d imagine it would be like. Cushioned couches, monotonous club music, and vapid people. There’s Team Stassi, which includes Tom Schwartz, Manager Peter, Katie, and server Kristina. Team Scheana arrives (Tom Sandoval, Ariana, James, and Kristen). They spend most of the time drinking sugary cocktails and talking crap about the other group. Scheana decides to approach Team Stassi with a vodka bottle bigger than her whole body as a peace offering, but Stassi’s not having it. She tries to explain to Scheana that bring friends with Kristen does not make her a loyal friend.

Scheana Marie purple lipstick

“I’m glad Stassi doesn’t work at Sur anymore. She has more time to focus on her new career—being a cult leader,” says Scheana. She has a point. I am fascinated how Stassi is always able to position herself as the alpha, even after being away for six months. It’s like a superpower.

Other things that happen:

  • Lisa buys a new Rolls-Royce.
  • Lisa gives James his job back.
  • Lisa doesn’t give Tom Schwartz his job back.

I’m still trying to figure out the Vanderpump rules and how they are enforced.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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