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'New Girl' recap: Happy Bangs-giving!

Season 4 | Episode 9 | “Thanksgiving IV” | Aired Nov 25, 2014

In the New Girl season premiere, Schmidt warned his fellow loftmates (and Cece) of something terrible looming in the distance.

Schmidt: Nobody meets anybody in fall or winter. What, are you gonna gamble on the unknown contents of a bulky sweater? Do you know how important this is?! Winter is coming.

Winter has finally arrived at apartment 4D, and Schmidt is stacking the deck to make sure everyone has a memorable holiday. Forget the traditional turkey and dressing. It’s time for a good, old-fashioned Bangs-giving.

Each of the friends draw names. Everyone is responsible for providing a bangable date. No one leaves until the banging has commenced.

Set up by: Jess
Wish list: Really into feet and likes to be slapped around
Reality: Lunch Lady Pearl
Deets: Winston is put off by his vision of a typical lunch lady, but he quickly comes around when Pearl educates him on current terminology. She’s a lunch monitor. This bit of information is enough for Winston to invite Pearl into his black-light dojo.
Status: Happy Bangs-giving

New Girl COACH
Set up by: Winston
Wish list: Junk in the trunk
Reality: Beefy Pepper from the Police Academy
Deets: Coach is intimidated by Pepper’s ability to lift an entire keg with one hand. When she calls him out, he puts his masculinity to the test by challenging her chiseled physique to an impromptu arm-wrestling match. She totally lets him win.
Status: Push-up contest that (I’m assuming) leads to Bangs-giving

Set up by: Schmidt
Wish list: Tall
Reality: Phantom Geoff
Deets: Cece figures Geoff is a figment of Schmidt’s imagination. She works the entire evening trying to convince Jess to hook up with Ryan, while fending off awkward advances from Nick. In the end, it’s Schmidt whom she really wants to spend time with during the holidays. Even when a ruggedly handsome stranger carrying a casserole dish walks through the door.
Status: Chooses to not celebrate Bangs-giving with the very real Geoff

Set up by: Cece
Wish list: Cece
Reality: Lucy
Deets: It just so happens that Lucy is one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. Nick demands that Schmidt refrain from banging, because the statute of limitations hasn’t expired. It’s only been three years. Schmidt is undeterred. The statutes are very clear: a thousand showers. After that, no claim. (Nick: If you think I’ve taken a thousand showers in three years, you’re crazy!) Unfortunately, Lucy is an anti-Semite. Ironically, she’s not the one who said Schmidt looked like a Jewish Pharrell in his pilgrim hat.
Status: Plays a rousing game of Thai Monopoly with Cece

New Girl NICK
Set up by: Himself
Wish list: To tell someone who he picked even though it’s top secret
Reality: Tran
Deets: Since he picks his own name, Nick thinks it would be weird if he didn’t bring a guest. Clearly the old Asian man at a sex party isn’t weird. My dream of witnessing Tran play True American is quickly dashed when Nick discovers Schmidt’s bang buddy. He tries to seduce Cece to give Schmidt a taste of his own medicine, but it backfires. Cece helps Nick realize that the only reason he brought Tran to Bangs-giving is because he’s afraid of putting himself out there again. It’s perfect timing for a realization. Tran overindulges and his adorable granddaughter collects him from the loft.
Status: Foreseeable Bangs-giving in the future

Set up by: Coach
Wish list: A nice fella to help her forget about the hot teacher
Reality: The hot teacher
Deets: Ryan, the hot teacher, is forbidden fruit. Jess must summon all her willpower to walk away from his biscuits, especially since her blouse keeps magically popping open when he’s around. The Bangs-giving Committee takes a vote and it is decided: Jess must forget the silly school rules and bang the British bloke. She lures him into her room, requesting a little gravy to serve with the “white meat,” before suggesting they bang one out. Ryan manages to escape the make-out session against the door, leaving Jess standing in nothing but an apron. He doesn’t want to get one out of his system. He likes her. He likes her enough to leave. Later, Jess arrives at his house, apologizing for her weird bedroom seduction. She gives him full permission to pursue her at a slow pace. He grabs her arm, pulls her into a close embrace, and passionately kisses her like a man. A hot British man. Break out the oven mitts again.

New Girl Notables:

Schmidt: I know this time of year is a bittersweet memory for your people.
Cece: Wrong kind of Indian.
Schmidt: Do not take that out on me.

Jess noticing Pepper’s muscles
Jess: Where was she when I was cracking walnuts for the stuffing?

Schmidt: He spells Geoff with a “G,” so you know he comes from money.

Jess seeing Ryan
Jess: I don’t think I can look at him without getting pregnant. He oozes sex.

Schmidt: Bangs-giving is in peril. I don’t want it to be like the eight nights of Hump-ukkah.

Nick: Leave Tran out of this. He fought in Korea. I don’t know for which side, but I know he’s a warrior.

Nick: Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Jess: Is that from Ferris Bueller?
Nick: Yes. It’s a terrific movie and I delivered it perfectly.

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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