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'South Park' boys geek out over 'Magic: The Gathering'

Season 18 | Episode 8 | “Cock Magic” | Aired Nov 19, 2014

Well, those of you who thought South Park would now be a live-action show after last week’s crazy surprise ending were surely mistaken. Geez, you folks probably think the Illuminati and zombie apocalypse are real, too. But South Park is back and animated as ever with “Cock Magic,” which begins in South Park Elementary. The girls’ volleyball team is in the playoffs, but the boys are too busy watching Kenny become the champ of Magic: The Gathering in the back of a comic-book shop to see the girls play—not that they’d want to watch the girls play, anyway.

When the school custodian hears Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and sort of Kenny raving about the epic game, he tells them to get into some real “hard-core stuff” at City Wok. After paying $5 to get in, the boys are escorted into City Wok’s back room, where they see roosters fighting … with cards in a battle of Magic: The Gathering, a game titled Cock Magic.

1808_cock-magic_stan_wendy

After the fight, the boys go to McDonald’s, where they cannot stop raving about how awesome Cock Magic is. Except Kenny’s not on board. He feels bad for the roosters, because he’s not sure if they actually want to play. But Stan comes up with the brilliant idea to all go in on a rooster. So the boys go to a chicken farm and find cage after cage of chickens. They get the perfect one and name him McNuggets.

Meanwhile, led by Detective Harris, the cops—who are onto the illegal underground world of this form of cockfighting—show up at Mr. McCormick’s door. “We know there’s an illegal Cock Magic ring going on in town,” they announce. “We just wanna know who’s leading it.”

In McNuggets’ first fight, he casts Punishing Fire, which absorbs the Geist Flame and deals two damage to the opponent. In layman’s terms, that means McNugget wins. After the game, a shady, rich-looking fellow follows the boys out of City Wok with two guards and asks them if they’d like to move up to the big time: “I’m not talking about the basement of some seedy Chinese restaurant,” he says. “I’m talking about the basement of a well-established Chinese franchise.”

And of course when Randy finds out what the boys are up to, he misinterprets the name Cock Magic for—well, magic with human anatomy—and begins practicing his own routines involving said anatomy. Back at school, the girls make a plea to their class to support their volleyball team. Stan insults them without knowing that his girlfriend is on the team, so to make it up to her: he misses Cock Magic and goes to the game. The boys, minus Stan, go to Panda Express with McNuggets in tow and pay $10 to get in.

ESPN Illegal reports that McNuggets has been scratched and that Kenny will now be battling the unbeatable rooster named Gadnuk Breaker of World. In a shocking upset, Kenny begins to win—until a set of cops shout “Freeze!” and rush down the basement steps. They’ve finally been caught. That is, until Randy comes to the rescue as the halftime entertainment. Randy begins doing his “magic” routine and asks for a volunteer—Detective Harris, who is so stunned and amazed that no one gets in trouble.

But the boys have good hearts (just go with me) and decide to do good for other people and McNuggets, so they set up a game between McNuggets and the girls’ volleyball team. The now-filled gymnasium seems to agree that girls’ volleyball is finally interesting.

The Rundown:

  • The boys geek out: “Does an overseer have trample?” —Stan
  • “Kenny cast Glacial Crasher.” —Cartman
  • Stan gets mean: “Dude, girls’ volleyball isn’t a joke. Jokes are hard and require skill.”
  • Butters is so undeniably cute: “Dang it, I wish I knew people.”
  • How do we know if Kenny smiled? Cartman asks Kenny to smile and says he thinks Kenny did, but how can we be so sure? A question that has plagued us all 18 seasons!
  • Besides all the odd jargon, this episode was surprisingly … normal. There was no connection to previous episodes or live action. What gives, Matt and Trey?

 South Park airs Wednesdays at 10/9C on Comedy Central.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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