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'New Girl' recap: Hot for teacher

Season 4 | Episode 8 | “Teachers” | Aired Nov 18, 2014

After introducing the adorably charming Ryan (Julian Morris) as a new crush for Vice Principal Jessica Day three weeks ago, we finally get a New Girl episode that is centered around the hot guy with the perfect scruff and bone-melting grin. It’s too bad administrators can’t date teachers. This “forbidden” label only makes him more desirable, and the fact that Ryan has the same character traits as Denzel Washington in The Preacher’s Wife is definitely an added bonus.

Jess tries her best to resist temptation by avoiding Ryan, but an overnight teaching conference makes this next to impossible. Especially when education guru Brenda (Lisa Bonet) insists Jess and Ryan partner up during intimacy exercises. Jess learns that Ryan scrapbooks on rainy days, owns many spools of yarn, and thinks there is an art to packing a picnic basket. I would be willing to bet that each of these attributes are on a fantasy guy list Jess created while working at the Casserole Shanty.

New Girl on Fox

Ryan attempts to get to know her better, but an emergency situation interrupts his agenda. Cut to a drunk Coach standing on the roof of a cabana house, ready to reenact a scene from Almost Famous. He is in official freak-out mode because he has learned that health is the most important school subject. If you screw up, students get pregnant. It’s too much pressure. Jess convinces Coach that he is a strong teacher. Who better to yell at the children about the dangers of chlamydia? Ryan joins them on the roof and tries to affirm Coach. Unfortunately, gravity gets the best of our inebriated friend and he falls into the pool. Jess shouts for Ryan to not do anything heroic. Instead, he executes a perfect swan dive, rescues the drowning drunk, and is deemed a noble man.

Jess begins to crack when Ryan confesses that he left the world of finance for education after he taught his dyslexic sister to read. At this point, there’s no way Jess can resist Ryan’s British accent as he sips from tiny bottles of alcohol while wearing a warm and fuzzy hotel bathrobe. She lets it slip that she has a huge crush on him. Sadly, Coach’s mouth sweats and the immediate need to extract toxins from his body is a bit of a mood killer.

The next morning, Ryan is desperate to talk to Jess about the night before. Jess rambles on about how she was wrong, asks him to strike the conversation from the record, and bids him a Happy Thanksgiving.

Ryan: I won’t enjoy Thanksgiving because I won’t see you for several days. You are beautiful and totally insane and I can’t get you out of my head.

All bets are off. She does NOT shut it down. Instead, she does the opposite by leaping into his arms for a very passionate kiss. I’m going to go ahead and say this is my No. 2 favorite New Girl lip-lock to date. Tallyho, Ryan!

While Jess and Coach are at the teaching conference, Nick, Winston, and Schmidt celebrate guy’s night. According to Nick, the festivities will include an American Gladiator-style jousting tournament, eating lots of meat, and fart naps. Schmidt makes sangria to set the mood and accidentally spills a glass on Jess’s blanket. No big deal. He can just wash it, right?

Wrong. Schmidt doesn’t know how to do laundry. He attempts to fake his roommates out by straining the detergent through the lint screen and feeding quarters into the soap dispenser, but his secret is finally out. Apparently his constant buttery hands hindered him from learning as a child, and a six-pack of Pi Phis (ring ching ching) eyeing his maternity corduroys struck an emotional nerve that never healed. The window closed and he’s been laundry posing as an adult for years.

New Girl on FoxNick is equally shocked when Winston admits he’s never learned to read a ruler. Appalled, Nick vows to teach Schmidt to wash his clothes and instruct Winston on how to measure things because, let’s face it, it’s not that difficult. Soon Schmidt masters all the washing-machine buttons and the suggestion line in the cap of the detergent bottle. Winston masters the tick lines and offers to measure his smile so Nick will know how much this new skill means to him.

Now it’s Nick’s turn to confess. He doesn’t know how to pronounce February. He can’t say the alphabet without singing. And he’s never learned how to love. Let’s pub crawl! Winston and Schmidt’s hormones will not allow Nick to sit in this sad place. Cue the Downy-fresh bed sheet used as a makeshift tent, a few glasses of sangria, and a spontaneous sing-along to Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is” followed by the classic “Hello” by Lionel Richie. If this is a typical guy’s night, count me in.

Schmidt convinces Nick that he has nothing to worry about. He’s the cute one and will certainly find love one day. This is enough to pull Nick from his doldrums. Or he is excited about eating the orange slice in his sangria. One can’t be sure, but both options are equally thrilling.

New Girl Notables

Coach looking at Ryan:
Coach: He looks like a boy’s department mannequin.
Jess: Uh, yeah!

Coach: What do you call pancakes?
Ryan: Roundy yums.
Coach: Really?
Ryan: No.

Schmidt: Warm/warm? Hot/hot? Warm/cold?
Nick: It’s always cold/cold.
Schmidt: What’s permanent press?
Nick: It’s a fake button. No one uses it.
Schmidt: What about bleach?
Nick: Let’s walk before we run.

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com

TV Families -- We compare various television clans through the years to see how they stack up, from ''The Brady Bunch'' to ''The Flintstones''

By Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 at 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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