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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: I just want my cable box back!

Season 3 | Episode 3 | “Grand Opening and Closure” | Aired Nov 17, 2014

We begin where we left off last week on Vanderpump Rules, when Kristen and Tom Sandoval were suspended and James was fired. James and Kristen go to debrief, and eagle-eyed viewers may have noticed that James’ staff shirt features a picture from the opening credits. This place is two souvenir shops away from becoming a Planet Hollywood.

And for those of you concerned for James’ well-being: according to social media, he has an upcoming DJ set at Pump bar. So that means (1) James is popular with the gay crowd, (2) he really can DJ, or (3) Lisa forgave him and is now employing him. I have a hard time believing any of these.

Stassi meets her father at a café at Rodeo Drive. Stassi comments she feels like Pretty Woman. Like a prostitute, her father asks? Hahahaha they both laugh uproariously. Stassi? Selling herself? It’s like she’s on a reality show. For some reason we watch the waiter take their drink orders and deliver them. Is Vanderpump rules now sponsored by Bloody Marys?

Vanderpump Ru1les First Look   Bravo TV Official Site

Stassi complains that now she is back and has to deal with people like Scheana. Dad speaks for all rational people when he asks, “Why do you have to deal with her at all?” Duh, because it makes for a better show! Stassi’s dad apparently isn’t very smart about these things. Besides Scheana is saying things about her on Twitter. Ugh. Punishable by death. As for Jax? He can “suck a dick,” says Stassi. Keep it classy, Bravo.

Would you have guessed that Jax sees a therapist? And one that lets the cameras into their sessions? I believe this may be the same therapist who worked with Spencer and Heidi on The Hills, but I don’t want to investigate. Jax relays the story of his two ladies, how he broke up with Carmen, and how he’s just so confused now. He admits to getting a tattoo of Carmen’s name, and she responds: “Are you serious? Where do you go? Do you leave your body somehow?” I will give this therapist credit, because she tells him he struggles with codependency. Oof!

Vanderpump 3Rules First Look   Bravo TV Official Site

Lisa’s getting ready for the Pump opening, which includes trying on a smokin’-hot purple dress in a walk-in closet larger than my apartment. Later, at Pump, there are paparazzi and a red carpet. The only celebrity I recognize is Bobby Trendy. Even Andy Cohen could have made an appearance. Also, the olive trees are 100 years old. Lisa claims she is “bloody knackered” about the turnout. At the bar, an unnamed gay man gives her a card and tells her, “You are such a light in this community.” The gay community? I guess if it is maintaining stereotypes and only providing for wealthy gay men, then … okay.

Giggy contemplates suicide while Lisa decides on his outfits.

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 3   Lisa Preps for the Pump Opening

Meanwhile, back at Sur (are Pump and Sur next to each other?), Katie and Peter are gossiping when they see James check in for work. Peter, still committing to a goatee and ponytail, has to run over to Pump to check with Ken first, who is all, “I don’t give a crap, just leave me and my dog Giggy alone.” Peter takes James outside and asks him to leave. James gets into it with him, and I swear James may have started crying. Peter just tells him to go and he goes to get his beamer out of the parking lot. Ticket not validated.

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 3   James Has to Get Re Fired

James, who loves to provide secondhand embarrassment to the audience, comes into Sur the next day to bother Lisa and Peter again. James wants Lisa to read the letter he wrote to her. James explains that it’s a very British thing to do, to write someone a letter. “I’ll bet Jax and all them have never picked up a pen.” Ouch! Then James reads the letter to Lisa, which makes him sound like he is reading in a monotone robot voice. Lisa folds and tells him she’ll think about it. She tells him he shouldn’t be dating that trash Kristen. (Paraphrasing.)

Stassi and Scheana have their promised showdown. Scheana claims Stassi was the one to cut things off. Stassi thinks that Scheana plays the victim role. Scheana, becoming more emotional, tells Stassi that she asked her to be in her wedding, and Stassi shit all over the idea. But Scheana posted bad things on social media. Scheana admits to retweeting bad things about her. We may need a lawyer to tell us if RTs count as libel.

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 3   Is Scheana Playing the Victim

Lisa claims that the Pump opening was a success. She and Ken celebrate by making out with Giggy.

Tom and Ariana have a date at a batting range. Tom screws up and Ariana giggles a lot. Tom brags that he played baseball until sixth grade. Tom and Ariana demonstrate their nonchemistry by talking about Kristen and her nagging about wanting her cable box back. Ariana explains that Kristen in like “human spam—you unsubscribe but then you get another email saying you’ve unsubscribed. Bitch, I unsubscribed so I wouldn’t have to get emails from you!” Ariana is just boring enough so that when she spits out sound bites like that they seem profound.

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 3   Kristen Wants Her TV and to Move On

Kristen and Ariana are doing exciting things like hanging curtains when Kristen comes by. Kristen breaks down when they have to talk about the cable box. It is under Kristen’s name, but then Tom got attached to it. “It’s the only way to break free.” Guys, it’s a cable box, not a child. Realizing that Tom is going to be a calm adult about this, Kristen ramps up the emotion. “I don’t want you to be hateful,” she cries; he responds, “I’ve just been reciprocating your initial actions. Just take responsibility for that.” I am impressed that Tom is acting so rational and used a big vocab word. “I’m sorry it took longer for me to get over this than it did for you,” Kristen digs. Ariana just sits silently and rolls her eyes.

Kristen leaves with her stuff in a large blue Ikea bag. Man, those things are so useful. But don’t cry for Kristen! She’s starting her own clothing line.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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