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'Family Guy' recap: Stewie almost comes out at Thanksgiving dinner

Season 13 | Episode 5 | “Turkey Guys” | Aired Nov 16, 2014

It’s Thanksgiving in Quahog, but Brian and Peter got hammered and ate the whole turkey the night before. Brian doesn’t remember doing this, but Peter staged the whole thing on Instagram while Brian was passed out, so they could share the blame. #turkeynom #facebutt #atethebagofguts

Furious, Lois charges Peter and Brian with finding a replacement. But every grocery store within a 60 mile radius of Quahog sold out of turkeys. Peter and Brian do find a turkey in another town, but Peter proves that he can’t be trusted with the holiday bird even for a minute (he tries to dunk it in a basketball court). Brian takes charge of the turkey and tells Peter to drive home, but Peter can’t drive a hybrid and he crashes into a lake.

In Peter’s absence, Stewie convinces Chris to step up as the man of the house, and take over the duties of greeting guests, making small talk and giving a toast. “Yesterday I’m microwaving a cat and today I’m giving a speech!” Chris says. Seth Green has the best lines ever.

Without a car, Peter and Brian catch a bus back to Quahog, but they’re kicked off when passengers find out Peter took a dump on one of the seats. “I don’t know what they’re so mad about, I did it in a Rite-Aid bag,” Peter complains. He and Brian essentially switch roles in this episode, if you didn’t notice.

Meanwhile, Stewie tries to groom Chris for hosting the dinner and greeting guests. In a sharp suit and slicked hair, Chris vows to try his best, unless Slender Man commands him to do otherwise. Sigh.

Stewie grooms Chris to host Thanksgiving in Peter's absence.

Stewie grooms Chris to host Thanksgiving in Peter’s absence.

As a last-ditch effort, Peter and Brian try to hitchhike back to Quahog. A car stops and the driver, in the same dilemma, holds Peter and Brian at gunpoint for their turkey. Peter taunts the driver and doesn’t hand over the turkey until he’s been shot three times. Peter’s stupidity drives Brian over the edge and they fight (mostly about Movember) on the side of the road. Brian storms off.

Guests have already begun to arrive at the house, but there’s still no sign of Peter and Brian. As Lois tries to keep the family occupied, Chris tries and fails at his hosting duties. He puts his grandmother’s entire hand in his mouth and offers to show her his pubic hair. As the oldest man there, Lois’s father takes an open-mouth nap in the middle of the room. Unable to handle the pressure of being the Thanksgiving host, Chris downs two bottles of alcohol in his room.

Peter and Brian try to bring home a turkey in time for Thanksgiving dinner.

Brian and Peter stumble upon the County Zoo and decide to capture a live bird. They embark on a wild goose turkey chase, which sends Brian flying into the lions den, prompting the greatest line of the episode: “Hey, it’s Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t you be in Detroit losing a football game right now?” Za-za-zing.

Using a dead flamingo, Peter saves Brian’s life and they apologize to each other. They steal a zoo cart and goof off on the zookeeper’s loudspeaker the entire drive home. Back in Quahog, Stewie officially takes on the hosting duties himself. While giving the toast, he takes a deep breath and starts to make a very big announcement: “I wasn’t planning on doing this today, but when I look around at all these open, loving faces of friends and family, I’m comfortable enough to finally say I am a proud, unashamed, active—”

Peter’s home! Just in time. Peter takes the turkey out in the backyard in order to kill it with a golf club, but he can’t bring himself to do it, especially after making out with it. Peter and Lois agree to keep the turkey at Thanksgiving not as the meal, but as their guest. Just as Lois proposes a toast, the turkey explodes and sprays everyone with blood and feathers.

“The man of the house killed the turkey for Thanksgiving!” Chris yells, before face-planting on his smoking rifle.

The Insult of the Week goes to Peter, who tells Brian, “You’re starting to get black gums like an older dog,” after driving Brian’s car into the lake, getting both of them kicked off a bus, breaking their bike, and losing their turkey. Now that’s how to kick a dog when he’s down.

Family Guy airs Sundays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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