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'Two and a Half Men' recap: 'Gay' newlyweds are approved for adoption

Season 12 | Episode 3 | “Glamping in a Yurt” | Aired Nov 13, 2014

After making it official in last week’s episode, this week’s Two and a Half Men starts with Alan on the phone pretending to be Walden and ordering himself a credit card for his husband, Alan Harper Schmidt. When Walden comes downstairs and Alan asks him what his mother’s maiden name is, Walden responds, “It might be faster if I just give you my online password: Don’t order credit cards in my name!”

Jenny and Berta are in the kitchen making breakfast for the newlyweds, and Walden loves that Jenny made pancakes in the shape of hearts and arrows. Jenny says “actually they’re asses and … hearts and arrows!” When Jenny asks the boys where their adopted child will sleep. Walden and Alan look at each other with confusion. Apparently this whole thing hasn’t been well-planned out yet. Jenny quickly identifies herself as a “drunken slut” so she can’t share a room with a baby.

While Walden and Alan fill out their adoption paperwork, Jenny tells them that shes moving in with Evelyn. This sounds like a terrible yet hilarious idea. One of the questions asks the happy couple why they want to adopt a child, and Walden answers, “because we’re dudes and we don’t have baby holes.” They both erupt in laughter. Jenny warns that if they don’t take this seriously, they will have put in all this work without the payoff: adopting a kid. She also says they will have to prove to a social worker that they love each other, and that they can’t live without each other. “I actually can’t live without him,” says Alan.

Later, after working on essays on why they love each other, Alan meets Walden in the living room to share what he wrote. Alan’s essay is, not surprisingly, a sweet and romantic lie, ending by calling Walden his “Wally Bear.” Walden’s essay on Alan reads like a boring stat sheet, and Alan is somewhat hurt about how little Walden pays attention to him.

The doorbell rings and it’s Lyndsey who just got out of rehab! She has come to make amends with Alan for what she did to him while she was drinking, and also to see if he’s open to giving their relationship another chance. Alan breaks the news to her that he’s now married to Walden, and her priceless response is “Walden’s gay?!”

At the social worker’s office, Walden and Alan describe how they first discovered they were gay. “On some level I’ve always known,” Alan responds. For Walden, he knew while watching Basic Instinct, when all of his friends looked up Sharon Stone’s skirt while he was looking at her shoes. Mrs. McMartin, the social worker, insists on a home visit to see how Walden and Alan interact as a couple there.

Before her visit, Walden and Alan begin to train themselves to be comfortable with physical affection. At this point Walden knows he’ll have to be all in if he wants to be approved for adoption, and adorably calls Alan his “Alley Cat.” They begin to cuddle on the couch and even share a deep kiss before Walden proudly disengages. He’s confident that if they do that in front of Mrs. McMartin, they’ll get all the kids they want.

The visit is going well, and the guys have Mrs. McMartin convinced when the doorbell rings. Surprise! It’s drunk Lyndsey wanting to get into Alan’s pants. Lyndsey knows he only married Walden to get a kid, so she wants to sleep with him on the side. She’s admits she’s drinking again because Alan married the only person in his life prettier than she is. Alan leaves a passed-out Lyndsey in his bedroom. While he rushes to get the social worker out of the house before Lyndsey ruins things, Lyndsey stumbles out onto the patio. Alan rushes outside and, while Walden distracts Mrs. McMartin, tosses Lyndsey over the balcony.

Before leaving, Mrs. McMartin reveals that unless anything crazy happens, they should be approved for adoption. Cue drunken Lyndsey coming up behind her and yelling that she wants to help with the kid. Walden passes her off as a tourist who got a bad celebrity map. “Charlie Sheen doesn’t live here anymore!” he says. The meta moments continue!

Jenny arrives just in time to save the day and pretend to be the next-door neighbor, hauling Lyndsey away while telling the social worker how great Walden and Alan are. Wally Bear and Alley Cat are approved for adoption!

Two and a Half Men airs Thursdays at 9/8C on CBS.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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