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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: So long, and thanks for all the punches

Season 3 | Episode 2 | “All Fired Up” | Aired Nov 10, 2014

Has anyone else been unable to sleep this week in anticipation of Jax’s new nose? Asking for a friend. But we’ll have to wait for his surgery—first, we have to see the aftermath of Scheana’s birthday party, where James and Tom Sandoval had a fistfight over someone Tom maybe-sort-of slept with in Miami whom Kristen wanted to tell Ariana about. It’s complicated.

Lisa’s almost ready to open her new bar, Pump; all she needs to do is raise Liberace from the dead to finish decorating. There’s a line of attractive, probably dead-inside people waiting to be interviewed for a server position. Lisa hopes that these servers won’t cause drama like Sur, so instead of, oh, firing people, she’ll just open a new bar. Lisa wants “fresh meat” and makes the guys try on tight pink shirts. Because this is what Lisa thinks gay men’s personas consist of.

Vanderpump Rules Photos   To1ur PUMP Lounge

Jax and Tom Schwartz to get his “Stassi” tattoo covered up. But surprise! He also has “Carmen” tattooed on his other arm. At this point, he should just get a blank line on his arm so he can fill it in with a sharpie. Tom Schwartz is nervous because he was lined up for a job at Pump, but he got involved in Kristen-gate and punches were thrown. Will Lisa give him another chance? Don’t worry, Tom, you’re still in the opening credits of the show.

Kristen, while “working” a shift at Sur, laments that she regrets hitting Tom at the party. “But I’ll always end up getting blamed for everything.” Probably it’s because she actually did do something wrong? James and Tom arrive and there’s tension. Tom tells Jax (who forgot how to button a shirt) that he made a late-night apology video for Scheana. Indeed he did. He’s got authentic snot in the video, so you know he means it.

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 3   Tom Sandoval s Full Apology Video

Tom  Schwartz is suddenly allowed to talk to someone who doesn’t work at Sur; however, it’s Stassi. Stassi, wearing a chain-link fence on her neck, tells Tom he needs to beg Lisa for forgiveness. He should listen to Stassi because Stassi had a whole six months of growth since her stint at Sur.

Speaking of Stassi, Katie and Kristina accompany her on an apartment hunt. She needs to find a two-bedroom place with two bathrooms, so she can “do number two” in privacy.  When she lived in New York in a studio with her boyfriend, she often had to go to Starbucks to drop a deuce. For once, I completely understand where Stassi is coming from. #stassipoopsalone.

Stassi explains doesn’t need a lot to please her. Here is her hierarchy of needs:

  1. Sex
  2. Shopping
  3. Wine
  4. Brunch
  5. Her dog

Stassi was so cold in New York she never left the house, thus allowing her still-unnamed boyfriend to go down on her for long stretches of time. Katie doesn’t let Tom Schwartz do that because she’s ticklish. Instead, she lets Tom do what he likes most:

Tom Sandoval arrives at Sur carrying Scheana on his back like a trained puppy. Peter, aka Gossipy Gertrude, tells anyone who will listen what happened at the party. Scheana comes in to eat at Sur with her fiancé, Shay, and Katie and Kristina scowl and claim that Scheana is just there to get more attention. They are … not incorrect. James comes over to legitimately apologize, and Scheana, with a mouthful of Cobb salad, tells him she needs a break from James and Kristen. You guys, she’s just so over all this drama! Shay remains silent, eating his overpriced tuna melt. As usual. The remaining silent, I mean.

Jax visits girlfriend No. 2, Tiffany, in Las Vegas, and it’s the world’s most boring conversation ever. They have less chemistry than the drinks at Mixology. Hey-oh! Jax complains he doesn’t like Los Angeles because of all the materialism. Tiffany asks about Carmen. He “compliments” Tiffany by saying “Well, [Carmen]’s 23, you’re older …” Please explain how Jax is  successfully able to seduce numerous women?

In a voice-over, Jax says he doesn’t take someone to Spago to break up with them, so he meets Carmen at a pizza place. Oooh, burn! Just like the pizza. Hey-oh!! Jax tries to make it like he is doing Carmen a favor. “You should have fun this summer. You’re gonna go to law school. You don’t need me.” Carmen is, understandably, pissed. “You told me you wanted to have my babies, like, a day ago.” Much like last year’s breakup with Stassi, which is shown in black-and-white flashback like it’s an old-timey film, Carmen tells him to grow up, stop partying, and stop being gross with all his hookups. Then she drops this insult: “I don’t even like you.”

Watch Vanderpump Rules Sea2son 3   Jax Breaks Up With Carmen

He’s 35, for Pete’s sake. He should be wearing sweatpants and watching Netflix Saturday night like any regular 35-year-old. Jax realizes that this is the second time a girl has told him this. Maybe there’s a pattern here … and the solution is that Jax shouldn’t date women who want him to grow up, right?

Tom Schwartz comes to see Lisa at Pump. He wears a pink tie, because he knows how to play up to Lisa. As we’ve been told, 90 percent of her personality is that she likes pink. He’s literally shaking when he begs not to be fired. Lisa decides she needs to pull the whole group together to talk about it, because this totally has to do with running a restaurant. Along with raw-food orders and the budget, dealing with a staff’s off-site birthday party is right up there.

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 3   Lisa Vanderpump Fires James

Lisa gathers everyone and tells her staff they are acting like trash. Lisa asks James what happened, and his British accent seems to get thicker. He owns up that he attacked Tom. Sur manager Peter finally decides to step up as an actual manager and tells Kristen she’s a liability because she sneaks drinks into the back. Kristen smirks in her interview that everyone sneaks drinks at Sur. By the way, her hair looks fantastic at this meeting. (Oh no, what has this show done to me???)

Watch Vanderpump R1ules Season 3   Lisa Vanderpump Fires James

In the end, Lisa suspends Kristen (again) and Tom (not sure which Tom) and fires James.

Watch Vanderpump Rul1es Season 3   Lisa Vanderpump Fires James

We must not weep for James. He’ll be all right. He’s a successful DJ, remember? He knows Paul Oakenfold. Plus, he has his beamer to keep him company.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo