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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: So long, and thanks for all the punches

Season 3 | Episode 2 | “All Fired Up” | Aired Nov 10, 2014

Has anyone else been unable to sleep this week in anticipation of Jax’s new nose? Asking for a friend. But we’ll have to wait for his surgery—first, we have to see the aftermath of Scheana’s birthday party, where James and Tom Sandoval had a fistfight over someone Tom maybe-sort-of slept with in Miami whom Kristen wanted to tell Ariana about. It’s complicated.

Lisa’s almost ready to open her new bar, Pump; all she needs to do is raise Liberace from the dead to finish decorating. There’s a line of attractive, probably dead-inside people waiting to be interviewed for a server position. Lisa hopes that these servers won’t cause drama like Sur, so instead of, oh, firing people, she’ll just open a new bar. Lisa wants “fresh meat” and makes the guys try on tight pink shirts. Because this is what Lisa thinks gay men’s personas consist of.

Vanderpump Rules Photos   To1ur PUMP Lounge

Jax and Tom Schwartz to get his “Stassi” tattoo covered up. But surprise! He also has “Carmen” tattooed on his other arm. At this point, he should just get a blank line on his arm so he can fill it in with a sharpie. Tom Schwartz is nervous because he was lined up for a job at Pump, but he got involved in Kristen-gate and punches were thrown. Will Lisa give him another chance? Don’t worry, Tom, you’re still in the opening credits of the show.

Kristen, while “working” a shift at Sur, laments that she regrets hitting Tom at the party. “But I’ll always end up getting blamed for everything.” Probably it’s because she actually did do something wrong? James and Tom arrive and there’s tension. Tom tells Jax (who forgot how to button a shirt) that he made a late-night apology video for Scheana. Indeed he did. He’s got authentic snot in the video, so you know he means it.

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 3   Tom Sandoval s Full Apology Video

Tom  Schwartz is suddenly allowed to talk to someone who doesn’t work at Sur; however, it’s Stassi. Stassi, wearing a chain-link fence on her neck, tells Tom he needs to beg Lisa for forgiveness. He should listen to Stassi because Stassi had a whole six months of growth since her stint at Sur.

Speaking of Stassi, Katie and Kristina accompany her on an apartment hunt. She needs to find a two-bedroom place with two bathrooms, so she can “do number two” in privacy.  When she lived in New York in a studio with her boyfriend, she often had to go to Starbucks to drop a deuce. For once, I completely understand where Stassi is coming from. #stassipoopsalone.

Stassi explains doesn’t need a lot to please her. Here is her hierarchy of needs:

  1. Sex
  2. Shopping
  3. Wine
  4. Brunch
  5. Her dog

Stassi was so cold in New York she never left the house, thus allowing her still-unnamed boyfriend to go down on her for long stretches of time. Katie doesn’t let Tom Schwartz do that because she’s ticklish. Instead, she lets Tom do what he likes most:

Tom Sandoval arrives at Sur carrying Scheana on his back like a trained puppy. Peter, aka Gossipy Gertrude, tells anyone who will listen what happened at the party. Scheana comes in to eat at Sur with her fiancé, Shay, and Katie and Kristina scowl and claim that Scheana is just there to get more attention. They are … not incorrect. James comes over to legitimately apologize, and Scheana, with a mouthful of Cobb salad, tells him she needs a break from James and Kristen. You guys, she’s just so over all this drama! Shay remains silent, eating his overpriced tuna melt. As usual. The remaining silent, I mean.

Jax visits girlfriend No. 2, Tiffany, in Las Vegas, and it’s the world’s most boring conversation ever. They have less chemistry than the drinks at Mixology. Hey-oh! Jax complains he doesn’t like Los Angeles because of all the materialism. Tiffany asks about Carmen. He “compliments” Tiffany by saying “Well, [Carmen]’s 23, you’re older …” Please explain how Jax is  successfully able to seduce numerous women?

In a voice-over, Jax says he doesn’t take someone to Spago to break up with them, so he meets Carmen at a pizza place. Oooh, burn! Just like the pizza. Hey-oh!! Jax tries to make it like he is doing Carmen a favor. “You should have fun this summer. You’re gonna go to law school. You don’t need me.” Carmen is, understandably, pissed. “You told me you wanted to have my babies, like, a day ago.” Much like last year’s breakup with Stassi, which is shown in black-and-white flashback like it’s an old-timey film, Carmen tells him to grow up, stop partying, and stop being gross with all his hookups. Then she drops this insult: “I don’t even like you.”

Watch Vanderpump Rules Sea2son 3   Jax Breaks Up With Carmen

He’s 35, for Pete’s sake. He should be wearing sweatpants and watching Netflix Saturday night like any regular 35-year-old. Jax realizes that this is the second time a girl has told him this. Maybe there’s a pattern here … and the solution is that Jax shouldn’t date women who want him to grow up, right?

Tom Schwartz comes to see Lisa at Pump. He wears a pink tie, because he knows how to play up to Lisa. As we’ve been told, 90 percent of her personality is that she likes pink. He’s literally shaking when he begs not to be fired. Lisa decides she needs to pull the whole group together to talk about it, because this totally has to do with running a restaurant. Along with raw-food orders and the budget, dealing with a staff’s off-site birthday party is right up there.

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 3   Lisa Vanderpump Fires James

Lisa gathers everyone and tells her staff they are acting like trash. Lisa asks James what happened, and his British accent seems to get thicker. He owns up that he attacked Tom. Sur manager Peter finally decides to step up as an actual manager and tells Kristen she’s a liability because she sneaks drinks into the back. Kristen smirks in her interview that everyone sneaks drinks at Sur. By the way, her hair looks fantastic at this meeting. (Oh no, what has this show done to me???)

Watch Vanderpump R1ules Season 3   Lisa Vanderpump Fires James

In the end, Lisa suspends Kristen (again) and Tom (not sure which Tom) and fires James.

Watch Vanderpump Rul1es Season 3   Lisa Vanderpump Fires James

We must not weep for James. He’ll be all right. He’s a successful DJ, remember? He knows Paul Oakenfold. Plus, he has his beamer to keep him company.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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