Season 4 | Episode 7 | “Goldmine” | Aired Nov 11, 2014
Navigating through the ever-changing rules of dating can be a tricky business. New Girl‘s Jess is eager to put the endless parade of jack wagons behind her because she has a third date with a normal human being. The comedy magician and the dude with the micro-penis have nothing on Third Date Ian. But according to Schmidt, there is one looming detail that could be a potential problem: Jess lives with her ex-boyfriend.
Ironically, this isn’t a problem for Nick. The fact that he lives with his ex is the perfect way to get rid of the randos who want to grab breakfast or run to the farmers market after a hookup, including the kleptomaniac exiting his room at this exact moment. Nick recommends an amendment of the truth: Jess should tell Ian that Nick is gay, has weeks to live, or is a ghost. She is unconvinced that Ian will have a problem with her living situation. He’s not like the female tavern folk Nick brings home.
Winston’s approach is a little different. Remember Michelle and Viv who live in the building? Winston has been playing the long game for several months now, weaving himself into the fabric of their lives. Basically, he’s their handyman. According to Coach, there’s nothing less hot than a male secretary. (I beg to differ.)
In other news, Cece is thinking about having a breast reduction. With this news, Schmidt dives headfirst into the five stages of grief. He begins with denial and powers through anger, before settling in stage three. His bargaining leverage? Schmidt will happily circumcise Coach if Cece remains a D-cup. Coach offers to take Schmidt’s mind off of Cece’s boobs by offering him four new ones.
Schmidt: On two different women?
Schmidt: Take me to them.
Meanwhile, Jess is on a different mission. And that mission is to run upstairs ahead of Ian to ask Nick to play gay. As it turns out, Ian is not cool with Jess living with her ex, so she has to improvise. Nick may be terrible at lying, but he’s very good at make-believe. As a method actor, he requires a backstory.
Nick: Have I always known I was gay?
Jess: Yes. But you grew up in an oil town where masculinity was the most valued currency.
Next door at the neighbors’ place, Schmidt picks up two tiny clementines and reluctantly holds them in both hands. Depression has finally set in. When he waxes on about his two best friends going away soon, Michelle and Viv automatically assume he means Winston and Coach. Hilarity ensues when Schmidt mentions how much he will miss watching them bounce. Cue Coach and Winston slowly beginning to bounce with sheepish grins on their faces.
It doesn’t take long for the girls to figure out that Coach and Winston are manipulating them, but both are surprised when Coach calls them out for manipulating Winston. When the guys turn to leave, Michelle and Viv ask them to stay, weigh the pros and cons, and complete a quick game of rock-paper-scissors. Michelle is the (lucky?) one who gets to have sex with Winston. Long live the long game.
Jess and Ian’s postcoital bliss is soon interrupted by Nick knocking on the door. Whoops! Nick scored with another “uh-oh” girl, and she’s traipsing around the apartment!
Nick: I wanted to be gay for you, Jess, but it’s a hard time to be gay. There are scarves and boots and so many layers. I want to know what’s underneath it all!
Jess: You’re blaming autumn?
Jess pretends to be Nick’s crazy ex-girlfriend in order to get Nick’s “bone crone” to leave, but she is completely unfazed by this news. Nick is in the kitchen trying to stay in character. Ian doesn’t buy that he’s gay. Enter a depressed Schmidt, apologizing to a concerned Nick that he didn’t come home the night before. Nick Fredo kisses Schmidt, bro slaps him on the back, thereby catapulting both Schmidt and Ian into stage five: acceptance.
Schmidt: It felt like you needed that a little more than I did. Your scruff is perfect by the way. Do not touch your beard-trimming setting.
Suddenly Nick’s “C+ hussy” waltzes into the room, planting a huge kiss on Nick. The walls come tumbling down around Jess as Ian chastises her for lying about her ex-boyfriend, as well as going through the elaborate trouble of finding an actual gay man to play the part of Nick’s boyfriend.
The next day, Schmidt busts in on Cece’s breast consultation. He insists that she give him a few minutes to say goodbye to Harold (the right breast, which is full of life) and Kumar (the shy but brave left breast). He makes Cece listen to a playlist he has created on his iPod to match the mood. This is a private conversation, after all. Cece obliges and is fascinated as she watches Schmidt’s passionate hand motions that include a punching bag, basketball gestures, peekaboo, and finger guns.
Fortunately, Cece decides to wait on the surgery, and Schmidt is convinced he saved the boobs. He is obviously their Schindler.
Nick: Guys hate complicated situations. We like the path of least resistance. That’s why there is a flap in our underwear. Because of laziness.
Nick: Am I mad that Anderson Cooper doesn’t fly the flag, or do I believe that what he’s doing, in his own way, is even braver?
Jess: Can we just agree that this is not the most mature way to handle things, even though it’s pretty fun?
Nick: It’s nothing a couple of bellinis and a round of Apples to Apples can’t solve.
Jess: What kind of gay are you?
Nick: I’m still finding it.
Nick describing his ideal guy:
Nick: I like hunks, ripped nerds, and Spanish guys. Throw in a little hint of German and it’s a perfect combo. I like certain ice cream men, carpet steamers, sleepy guys (or drowsers, as we like to call them).
New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.