EW Community TV Show Episode Guides and Recaps from EW's Community

'New Girl' recap: Breast friends

Season 4 | Episode 7 | “Goldmine” | Aired Nov 11, 2014

Navigating through the ever-changing rules of dating can be a tricky business. New Girl‘s Jess is eager to put the endless parade of jack wagons behind her because she has a third date with a normal human being. The comedy magician and the dude with the micro-penis have nothing on Third Date Ian. But according to Schmidt, there is one looming detail that could be a potential problem: Jess lives with her ex-boyfriend.

Ironically, this isn’t a problem for Nick. The fact that he lives with his ex is the perfect way to get rid of the randos who want to grab breakfast or run to the farmers market after a hookup, including the kleptomaniac exiting his room at this exact moment. Nick recommends an amendment of the truth: Jess should tell Ian that Nick is gay, has weeks to live, or is a ghost. She is unconvinced that Ian will have a problem with her living situation. He’s not like the female tavern folk Nick brings home.

Winston’s approach is a little different. Remember Michelle and Viv who live in the building? Winston has been playing the long game for several months now, weaving himself into the fabric of their lives. Basically, he’s their handyman. According to Coach, there’s nothing less hot than a male secretary. (I beg to differ.)

In other news, Cece is thinking about having a breast reduction. With this news, Schmidt dives headfirst into the five stages of grief. He begins with denial and powers through anger, before settling in stage three. His bargaining leverage? Schmidt will happily circumcise Coach if Cece remains a D-cup. Coach offers to take Schmidt’s mind off of Cece’s boobs by offering him four new ones.

Schmidt: On two different women?
Coach: Yes.
Schmidt: Take me to them.

Meanwhile, Jess is on a different mission. And that mission is to run upstairs ahead of Ian to ask Nick to play gay. As it turns out, Ian is not cool with Jess living with her ex, so she has to improvise. Nick may be terrible at lying, but he’s very good at make-believe. As a method actor, he requires a backstory.

Nick: Have I always known I was gay?
Jess: Yes. But you grew up in an oil town where masculinity was the most valued currency.

Next door at the neighbors’ place, Schmidt picks up two tiny clementines and reluctantly holds them in both hands. Depression has finally set in. When he waxes on about his two best friends going away soon, Michelle and Viv automatically assume he means Winston and Coach. Hilarity ensues when Schmidt mentions how much he will miss watching them bounce. Cue Coach and Winston slowly beginning to bounce with sheepish grins on their faces.

New GirlIt doesn’t take long for the girls to figure out that Coach and Winston are manipulating them, but both are surprised when Coach calls them out for manipulating Winston. When the guys turn to leave, Michelle and Viv ask them to stay, weigh the pros and cons, and complete a quick game of rock-paper-scissors. Michelle is the (lucky?) one who gets to have sex with Winston. Long live the long game.

Jess and Ian’s postcoital bliss is soon interrupted by Nick knocking on the door. Whoops! Nick scored with another “uh-oh” girl, and she’s traipsing around the apartment!

Nick: I wanted to be gay for you, Jess, but it’s a hard time to be gay. There are scarves and boots and so many layers. I want to know what’s underneath it all!
Jess: You’re blaming autumn?

Jess pretends to be Nick’s crazy ex-girlfriend in order to get Nick’s “bone crone” to leave, but she is completely unfazed by this news. Nick is in the kitchen trying to stay in character. Ian doesn’t buy that he’s gay. Enter a depressed Schmidt, apologizing to a concerned Nick that he didn’t come home the night before. Nick Fredo kisses Schmidt, bro slaps him on the back, thereby catapulting both Schmidt and Ian into stage five: acceptance.

Schmidt: It felt like you needed that a little more than I did. Your scruff is perfect by the way. Do not touch your beard-trimming setting.

New GirlSuddenly Nick’s “C+ hussy” waltzes into the room, planting a huge kiss on Nick. The walls come tumbling down around Jess as Ian chastises her for lying about her ex-boyfriend, as well as going through the elaborate trouble of finding an actual gay man to play the part of Nick’s boyfriend.

The next day, Schmidt busts in on Cece’s breast consultation. He insists that she give him a few minutes to say goodbye to Harold (the right breast, which is full of life) and Kumar (the shy but brave left breast). He makes Cece listen to a playlist he has created on his iPod to match the mood. This is a private conversation, after all. Cece obliges and is fascinated as she watches Schmidt’s passionate hand motions that include a punching bag, basketball gestures, peekaboo, and finger guns.

Fortunately, Cece decides to wait on the surgery, and Schmidt is convinced he saved the boobs. He is obviously their Schindler.

Nick Notables

Nick: Guys hate complicated situations. We like the path of least resistance. That’s why there is a flap in our underwear. Because of laziness.

Nick: Am I mad that Anderson Cooper doesn’t fly the flag, or do I believe that what he’s doing, in his own way, is even braver?

Jess: Can we just agree that this is not the most mature way to handle things, even though it’s pretty fun?
Nick: It’s nothing a couple of bellinis and a round of Apples to Apples can’t solve.
Jess: What kind of gay are you?
Nick: I’m still finding it.

Nick describing his ideal guy:
Nick: I like hunks, ripped nerds, and Spanish guys. Throw in a little hint of German and it’s a perfect combo. I like certain ice cream men, carpet steamers, sleepy guys (or drowsers, as we like to call them).

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

You May Like