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'Family Guy' recap: Brian gets giant teeth, sells real estate

Season 13 | Episode 4 | “Brian the Closer” | Aired Nov 9, 2014

Brian won’t stop chewing on a rope toy, so Peter runs Brian down with a car and breaks all of his teeth. Remember, Family Guy makes plenty of sense only after setting up its conflict of the week.

Brian’s toothless, shriveled face looks like a used condom, and his confidence hits rock bottom. He begs Lois to send him to a dentist, but she cracks up. She’s not spending human money on a dog deformity. Depressed and hopeless, Brian trudges to the bar and wails to Quagmire, who is so annoyed that he gives Brian his dentist’s card and says to bill him. Brian is amazed and “won’t forget this,” but Quagmire just wants him to stop crying and go away.

After the fastest cosmetic surgery ever, Brian returns home with gigantic chompers. “You’re like an even more handsome Adam Carolla,” Lois exclaims.

Brian gets new teeth.

Brian gets new teeth.

With his new smile, Brian brightens everyone’s day and snags a few phone numbers. His ego shoots upward. While walking around town, he’s mistaken for a grinning real estate agent, and he accidentally sells a house in about 12 seconds. Brian is quickly hired to sell real estate and proves to be perfect at it, particularly when he’s selling to murderers like Jason Voorhees and Bonnie Swanson.

Approached with a challenge to sell a bad condo, Brian agrees, because he’s eager to prove to his colleagues that he can sell anything. Prescott Towers are dilapidated, dirty, and nothing like the advertisement: “Come live in a place a Persian guy would say is a little too much!” But Brian is determined to find a sucker to buy it, and Quagmire just got a bonus.

Brian tricks Quagmire into buying the condo before he’s seen the inside, but Quagmire finds out that there’s a 72-hour window to rescind the purchase. Now Brian just has to hide from Quagmire for 72 hours as he waits for the deal to close.

Brian tries to close a deal.

Brian tries to close a deal.

Quagmire finally finds Brian in a hotel room. Brian passes the last of the 72 hours by pretending to appreciate Quagmire for yelling at him. He closes the deal. Quagmire picks up a lamp and knocks out all of Brian’s teeth.

In the end, the episode is just a middle finger to real estate agents everywhere. I imagine that Seth MacFarlane has a whiteboard in his office with all the people and things he hates and plans to mock in his episodes. Hear that squeaking? That’s MacFarlane crossing real estate agents off of his list.

The Insult of the Week goes to Stewie after Brian loses his real estate agent job: “Face it—you failed at people’s safety-net job.”

Family Guy airs Sundays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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