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'Law & Order: SVU' takes on Slenderman

Season 16 | Episode 6 | “Glasgowman’s Wrath” | Aired Nov 5, 2014

Mix a tendency to be susceptible to ghost stories with incipient psychotic conditions and you’ve got a recipe for creepy kid in a stab-happy disaster.

Perry and Mia are besties, with Mia’s little sis, Zoe, tagging along as their occasional punching bag. It’s post-Halloween, and they obviously haven’t seen The Blair Witch Project. Because creating your own found-footage vid in the woods at midnight is akin to standing in an open field during a lightning storm, right?

Zoe is found unconscious by a wacky birdwatcher. Birdwatcher lady prattles on about the hulking shape towering over the stabbed body like a “turkey vulture.” Someone cross-bred a turkey with a vulture? Science is weird. Birdwatcher told the turkey vulture to “shoo” (don’t try that at home) and he obeyed. She has pics of him.

At the hospital, Zoe tells Amaro and Rollins that Mia and Perry are still missing. The girls were supposed to be sleeping over at Perry’s. It’s astounding to me in this day and age that s) kids can still work the “I’m at a sleepover” scam and b) parents don’t insist on FaceTime or Skype to verify stuff because kids are shifty as hell.

Benson is torn away from Baby Benson to help. Zoe’s phone is traced to Perry’s apartment. It’s hiding at the bottom of Perry’s hamster’s cage. Ew. Under the sawdust and poop, the detectives discover Zoe’s phone has company. Mia’s and Perry’s are there, too. Gross. I’m never asking to borrow their phones.

Our Patron Saint of Making Kids Feel Safe (Benson) questions Zoe. We learn that they were out to have have some “fun scary” time. “Fun scary” time (a contradiction in terms) was interrupted by a big, eyepatched brute with a knife. They don’t find Mia and Perry in the park, but they do run into Eyepatch lurking in a cave and screaming unintelligibly. As crazy people brandishing lumber usually are, he gets tazed.

He’s a schizophrenic with a rap sheet who’s currently off his meds and living in the woods. The eyepatch is just for show. He’s on government watch lists, howling like a junkyard dog, and feels smartphones have lasers in them to read and/or fry his mind. Charlie claims he found Zoe bleeding and merely picked her up to get help. He also claims the government has installed a surveillance device in his cave. He’ll need his eyepatch back to find it. His eyepatch is special.The surveillance device turns out to be the girls’ mini-cam. Rollins also discovers a bonus prize: a bloody knife.

Charlie claims the knife is bloody from fish. The detectives view the footage on the cam, and watch the trio planning a “scary fun” meeting with “Glasgowman.” Zoe, how come you didn’t mention this Glasgowman dude? The girls believed that they could enter a gateway in the woods, meet this Slenderman-esque mythical being, and live in his mansion, where there are “no rules and no school.” Sounds good to me; does he have a room for rent? Oh, and Zoe? How did you learn about Glasgowman? The story lady in this case is a babysitter named Leslie. Leslie is a guy, and tells a lot of scary stories. That’s always a good sign.

Leslie is in the process of making a series of Glasgowman graphic novels. Glasgowman is entirely his creation. Seeing as there are wounded children involved, I’d halt production on those and take “Creator of Glasgowman” off your resume, Les. In the vid, the girls mentioned a map to Glasgowman’s mansion portal. Leslie gives up the location.

Cops arrive, and Rollins has the best line of the evening: “Dead cat. That can’t be good.” I guess it all depends on whether you like cats. Inside a dilapidated structure are our two missing girls. Mia is tied up but unhurt. Perry is alive and been stabbed multiple times.

Perry talks about being abducted by Glasgowman after he stabbed Zoe. He marched the two girls off to his Gazebo of Gore at knifepoint. Perry claims Mia began crying, so Glasgowman tied her up and then stabbed Perry: “Hey, she’s the one who’s crying!” The sound of helicopters finally scared him off.

Terrible story and we’re glad you survived, but why are there no defensive wounds on either of you? Let’s ask Zoe some more questions, shall we? We learn that Mia and Perry have one of those friendships similar to the one in that movie where the 1950s girls in New Zealand imagined castles and bricked the mom to death. This might explain why television police science indicates Perry stabbed Zoe and also stabbed herself right before the cops found them. Eyepatch, you’re free to go back to the asylum.

Mia claims that Perry is wacked, and planned to use Zoe as a sacrifice to Glasgowman. After knocking Zoe out with a rock, she proceeded to perforate her, threatening to cut Mia’s throat if she didn’t obey her. Despite lacking a formal degree in psychology, Mia is on point about Perry. Stabby blathers on about how she was supposed kill them both. Remember Rollins’ discovery of the “not good” dead cat? That was Glasgowman in feline form, leading Perry to hack up her friends. Unfortunately, that mercurial Glasgowman “switched the plan” on her and had her stab herself. Perry’s mom and lawyer would like a moment. They need to find out if Justice sells straightjackets.

In court, Perry crazy-talks about her swirling hot blood and how she had to bleed herself for Glasgowman. The judge lets Mia off scot-free, and Perry is off to the kiddie psych ward. In the elevator together, Carisi Jr. watches Mia and the handcuffed Perry link pinks. It looks like Glasgowman hasn’t entirely left the building.

The moral of this story? No internet, no mini-cam, and no butcher knives after 7 p.m.

Law & Order: SVU airs Wednesdays at 9/8C on NBC.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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