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'Bad Judge' recap: No ifs, ands, or butts

Season 1 | Episode 6 | “What Is Best in Life?” | Aired Nov 6, 2014

Rebecca bebops her way down the courthouse hallway festooned with product placement promo. Say that 10 times fast. She’s stopped by DA Tom who is super excited to present Dana McCoy (played by the sublimely snarky Rachael Harris), Rebecca’s law-school frenemy.

Rebecca and Dana exchange barbs. Rebecca: “I know how hard it was for you to pass the bar.” Dana: “Well, if anyone knows how hard it is to pass a bar, it’s you.” Rim shot!

Dana is appearing in Rebecca’s courtroom today. “Please tell me this is going to be a problem,” DA Tom begs. He and Rebecca agree Dana is the worst, though DA Tom is jealous Rebecca has a rival.

rachael-harris-john-ducey-kate-walsh-bad-judge-what-is-best-in-life-nbcTedward is in Rebecca’s chambers with a bolt of faux fur. Rebecca: “Gosh, how many fake cats gave their lives for that bolt?” There’s a YouTube video just waiting to go viral. Tedward’s getting his Conan on—as in “the Barbarian” not “the O’Brien”—for Conan-Con, or “Caveman Comic Con” as Rebecca dubs it. Tedward’s super stoked because Schwarzenegger himself is supposed to be there, and he gives Rebecca the hard sell to go with him. “James Earl Jones turns into a snake! It’s a cinematic masterpiece!” He confesses he needs Rebecca to go with to be his “token white”: “I don’t want to hang around with a bunch of drunken white people holding swords.” Who does?

In court, Dana defends a football player, Mr. Latardo, who’s being sued for $3 million for hanging his bare butt out a car window while drunk and thus traumatizing the defendant, Ms. Mayhew, who can no longer eat any food served on a bun or use any variation of the word “button.” Rebecca knows the case is frivolous, but Dana gets under her skin by mocking Rebecca’s judicial appointment by former Governor Schwarzenegger as a “breast lift” appointment despite her many legal accomplishments. Rebecca orders DA Tom to call his first witness. Ms. Mayhew details how she was out kicking up her heels with her scrapbooking besties when Mr. Latardo revealed his full moon along with a glimpse of his “dragon fruit.” The shock knocked Ms. Mayhew back into a bush and left her emotionally scarred for life. How there wasn’t a joke involving the dragon’s tail in said bush escapes me. Dana cross-examines by displaying a photo of the buttocks in question, which shows a detailed tattoo of Alec Baldwin’s face on one cheek. Ms. Mayhew swears the tattoo wasn’t there on the night in question and accuses Rebecca of being a useless, hot-tubbing, bikini-clad judge.

NUP_165679_0003-550x366Tedward tries to hook first Gary, then Judy, then Tom, and finally Judge Hernandez into being his plus-one at Conan-Con with no joy. Rebecca interrupts to get Judge Hernandez’s take on Dana’s accusation about Schwarzenegger’s “breast-lift” appointees. Judge Hernandez dodges and weaves like an experienced litigator and finally flees back to Tedward’s mutton and mead exhortations before Rebecca can get an answer.

Rebecca does some Internet data mining into  Schwarzenegger’s judicial appointments and is not happy to see they’re all indeed hot lady judges. DA Tom comes into her chambers to apologize for Ms. Mayhew’s behavior. Rebecca puts DA Tom and Tedward on the spot and tells them to say the first word that comes to mind when they look at her. DA Tom: “Pretty.” Tedward: “Chlamydia.” Rebecca warns DA Tom that she’s going to dismiss his case, which makes him happy since Ms. Mayhew had a breakdown at lunch when someone buttered a bun. “No more pro bono!” Rebecca decides she’ll have to come to terms with the fact that she’ll never know why Schwarzenegger appointed her. Tedward points out that she can ask the man himself if she goes to Conan-Con where Schwarzenegger is supposed to make an appearance—but she if she does, she has to go in full-on cosplay.

NUP_165678_0172-550x825Cut to Rebecca answering her front door decked out in full barbarian warrior queen threads. She’s shooting for Tina Turner in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, but it works. Tedward is more Shirtless Warrior No. 3, but it also works. But once at the “sad, nerd museum,” Rebecca grouses about the fact that they’re one of few who bothered to dress up. She goes off in search of the mead and wonders when “Ahnuld” will arrive just before an announcement is made that  Schwarzenegger isn’t going to appear. Tedward wonders why it’s so important for Rebecca to know whether or not she was appointed to the bench for her looks. He sincerely tells her she’s the best judge for whom he’s ever been the bailiff, which is sweet but would carry more weight if she wasn’t also the only judge for whom he’s ever been bailiff.

Back in court, Mr. Latardo’s Alec Baldwin is infected because it’s a new tattoo he got just to debunk Ms. Mayhew’s cray-cray. Dana continues to be rude to Rebecca, who threatens to hold her in contempt. Dana counter threatens to write a complaint against Rebecca to the judicial review. After a recess, Rebecca dismisses Ms. Mayhew’s case, chides Mr. Latardo for being a douche with a douchey tattoo, and finds Dana in contempt of court. Day’s job done well there.

NUP_165678_0459-550x366At the bar, Rebecca gets two shots of birthday-cake vodka, Tedward’s favorite. Tedward: “I can’t have birthday-cake vodka without whipped cream!” Word, Tedward. Word. Judge Hernandez swings by to assure Rebecca it’s not uncommon to wonder if you’ve achieved a position of power because you’re an attractive woman or because it filled a minority quota. Oh, nicely played there, judge. “It doesn’t matter how you got the robe, it just matters what you do with it when you get there.” He assures her she does a great job, something Tedward tells her all the time, which he bitches about when he returns with whipped-cream-topped shot glasses. “No birthday-cake vodka for you!”

Bad Judge airs Thursdays at 9/8C on NBC.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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