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'New Girl' recap: Ice, ice baby

Season 4 | Episode 6 | “Background Check” | Aired Nov 4, 2014

After a two-week World Series hiatus, Jess and the entire gang are back and ready to help Winston look good for his LAPD background check. It’s time to tone down the crazy and look alive when Sgt. Dorado comes to the loft for a visit. When Jess learns that a member of the police department will be inspecting their home, her freak flag begins to fly.

Nick: What? Are you afraid they will look through your dream journal?
Schmidt: Will they find a sweat shop for skirts that look like curtains?
Coach: Did you steal some kisses and hide them in an envelope?
Jess: I have a bag of crystal meth in my closet.

Cue three dudes looking completely stunned.

Once upon a time, Jess bought a footstool at a garage sale. In turns out, the top opens up and inside was a huge bag of ice that would make Walter White blush. All agree that Winston cannot find out about the meth. If he doesn’t know, he can’t get in trouble.

There are several problems with this plan, but the most immediate one is that asking Nick to lie makes him sweat profusely. That’s why he can’t play poker or talk to pregnant ladies. Jess tries calling Cece to see what to do just as Schmidt offers to make a trip to the dumpster. Jess tosses the ginormous bag of crank at Schmidt, who wasn’t expecting a ginormous bag of crank to be thrown in his general direction, and the entire contents of the bag scatter all over the floor.

Nick is instructed to plug his ears, close his eyes, and sing “Landslide” as the others scramble to pick up every tiny piece. Moments later, Winston arrives with Sgt. Dorado. Jess welcomes her into their home, cradling a lumpy bra full of crystal meth.

Cece busts through the door, and just as she’s about to announce her meth removal plan, Schmidt embraces her with a huge kiss to shut her up. Dorado rolls her eyes and continues interviewing the loft mates. When Dorado asks the roomies if Cadet Bishop would be a great addition to the LAPD, Nick shouts the word “mustache” as Coach and Schmidt praise Winston for being a big brother at the local Boys and Girls Club. They can’t wait for her to meet DuQwan. Suddenly Jess excuses herself with an apparent meth-related emergency.

Dorado becomes irritated and Schmidt suggests a look around the loft. Meanwhile, Cece discovers Jess in the bathroom shoveling meth down the shower drain. Jess is convinced that she has ruined Winston’s chance at becoming a cop. She is also certain the meth has entered her bloodstream through her boob skin. Jess is officially headed to Crazy Town.

New GirlCece, who has obviously paid attention during drug scenes in movies, scoops up the meth and flushes it. Problem not solved. It bubbles up like a big huge glass of meth Alka-Seltzer and spills out all over the bathroom floor.

Schmidt checks on the girls and Jess is relieved that their “best cleaner” has come to help. He takes off his shirt and starts mopping meth water with it.

Cece: Why is your shirt off?
Schmidt: I’ve seen New Jack City. They all take their shirts off in the crack cocaine lab.

Let’s take a moment to applaud Max Greenfield’s lean abdomen.

Winston walks in and is unconvinced that this is medical meth for Jess’ cramps. The jig is finally up. But with Coach out hunting for Winston’s fake little brother DeQwan, and the rest of the gang dealing with the issue in the bathroom, who is with Nick? Cece and Schmidt run to find him, but they are unable to intercede before Sgt. Dorado requests a private audience with a very sweaty (even in the kimono Schmidt gave him to hide the pit stains) Mr. Miller, who is swaying and muttering “I took my love and I took it down” under his breath.

New GirlWinston assumes that Jess didn’t come to him with the huge bag of meth because she doesn’t see him as a cop. He decides to take the blame for the meth. Jess runs in front of him and confesses that the bathroom is covered with meth that belongs to her. She doesn’t want anyone to go down for her mistake.

Dorado returns from the bathroom, announcing that the huge bag of meth is actually a huge bag of aquarium rocks. Everyone is relieved to learn that Winston has passed his background check. Note: He will definitely not be working in narcotics.

Then Coach walks in with a grown man claiming to be Winston’s little brother DeQwan.

So close.

New Girl Notables

Coach: What is Winston’s little brother’s name again?
Nick and Schmidt: Duke/Juan.
Coach: Right. DuQwan is his name.

Cece talking about her recent date.
Cece: Paul is a normal name.
Schmidt: You shouldn’t be with a normal guy.
Cece: Okay. Paul is Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Schmidt: Zack Morris?
Cece nods.
Schmidt: I surrender. Can I come to the wedding? Will Slater and Screech be there?

Favorite Nick confession to Sgt. Dorado:
Nick: I once put on my girl cousin’s wool tights and I didn’t hate the way it felt.

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8C on Fox.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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