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'Vanderpump Rules' season premiere: Skip mink eyelashes if you cry

Season 3 | Episode 1 | “Instafight” | Aired Nov 3, 2014

For those of you who have not experienced the amazing first two seasons of Vanderpump Rules: Don’t worry. It won’t take a lot to catch up. The show is a spin-off of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills; Lisa Vanderpump, of the dubious English accent, owns a restaurant named SUR (French for “on”). The show revolves around the incredibly attractive yet incredibly incompetent wait staff. They all date and hang out exclusively with each other and don’t understand boundaries. You’ll catch on.

Thus begins the tertiary saga of the SUR staff. Jax is doing pushups in his apartment, musing how his life is different since he broke up with Stassi.  He and Tom Sandoval got into a fistfight when he learned that Kristen slept with Jax, but now they are back to being bros because shaking cocktails together is a bond you can’t break. Jax also is trying to make the untied-bow-tie look happen. Good luck with that.

Tom Sandoval  is now dating bartender Ariana, because “she believes in me.” He’s never been this happy. You hear that, Kristen? HE’S NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY! Ariana is famous for her declaration to Kristen last season: “I’m smarter than you; I’m prettier than you, get the f*ck over it.” A feminist anthem for the ages!

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 3   Instafight5 Sneak Peek  pt.2

Meanwhile, Scheana, she of much makeup and hair extensions, is getting everything she’s ever wanted in life. It’s all happening for her. So much so that she got that tattooed on her forearm. Almost Famous is her favorite movie of all time, and this is her favorite quote. To quote Inigo Montoya, “I don’t think that means what you think it means.”

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In the back room at SUR, Kristin tells Scheana, “I have something to tell you, but I can’t talk about it right now,” with a shit-eating grin. Scheana falls right into her attention-seeking trap. I’ll cut to the surprise: Kristen, while Instagram-stalking her ex Tom Sandoval, contacted a girl who claimed to have slept with Tom when he was in Miami. Kristen is filled with evil glee because Tom is now dating Ariana, another server at SUR.

Are you ready to update your chart of relationships? Kristen is smug about telling Scheana about this because Ariana is Scheana’s best friend. What a dilemma for her! Does she tell Ariana because it’s her best friend? Or does she spare her best friend’s feelings? Remember when Bravo used to show biographies?

Watch Vanderpump Ru1les Season 3   Lisa Wants to Tell Stassi Off

Stassi, dressed to the nines and her hair chopped to her shoulders, is getting ready at Katie’s later. Six months ago, after she broke up with Jax, she moved to New York for a new start. In those six months, she’s grown up sooooo much. Too bad her new boyfriend wanted to move to Los Angeles. Stassi never said goodbye to Lisa when she quit, which she feels bad about because Lisa was like a mentor to her. (Huh? Really?) Stassi can’t believe people haven’t grown or changed like she has. In the past six months. Stassi has even started a blog! Stop the presses! It’s really a hobby. “Hobbies are for rich people. You need a job,” scolds Lisa. Lisa should be a career counselors for millennials.

How much you want to bet that Stassi will be working at SUR again before the season ends?

On the night of Scheana’s birthday, her crew meets up at Mixology, Scheana and her fiancé Shay arrive, and I’m surprised Scheana can stay upright with the amount of hair extensions, fake eyelashes, and layers of makeup she has on. it’s pretty frustrating when someone naturally pretty like her turns herself into a clown. Kristen arrives with James in a shirt that screams “I’M A DIRTY MODEL.”  Whoops, he also forgot to let us know that he’s also a famous DJ. He has toured with Deadmau5, if that means anything to you.

Tom Sandoval and Briana arrive and Tom could not … look … more ridiculous. I’m not one to gender-police someone’s clothes, but Tom is wearing black jeggings, a long white flowing cardigan, and a white beanie. He looks like Twiggy on a trip to Paris.  Tom obviously talks shit about James immediately. Oh, Tom hates Kristen’s new boyfriend? Not at all predictable. Something else not predictable is Scheana making a big deal talking to Tom about his indiscretions with the girl in Miami. Tom denies it, and Scheana starts to cry off her mink eyelashes. It’s her birthday; she can cry for attention if she wants to!

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Meanwhile, Stassi and her new crew (she’s such the Carrie of the group!) go out to eat at Andaz. This includes Katie, as well as Kristina and Hen—who are also servers at Sur, except we’ve never seen them until now. Because they are so over Scheana and her birthday and don’t care about it, they talk a lot about how over it they are. They take a celebratory Instagram picture.

Meanwhile, over at Mixology, Tom Sandoval sees the picture and declares an INSTA-FIGHT: “We obviously are having more fun that they are!” They proceed to take a lot of pictures of themselves making faces and poses. The gals at the restaurant start throwing in their ammunition, taking pictures of themselves with their mouths open and giving the devil’s horn signs. Wow, I’ve never seen people who are over each other cares LESS about the other person! Tom and Tom kvetch about how much they hate James. Sandoval calls him a “muppet.”

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Kristen won’t let the thing with Tom and the Instagram girl go. She screams at Jax for defending him. Tom Sandoval finally confronts Kristen to talk about it; then she refuses to talk to him. Really, Kristen? It would bring more attention to her. James gets in Tom’s face and tells him, “Go take a Beamer selfie.” James retorts, “Go take a Honda Civic selfie,” which gets a genuine laugh from me. Of course, Tom takes a swing at James and we fade to black, only to be left with a cliffhanger.

Coming up this season: people cheating! People crying! Scheana freaking out! Stassi is in love with Jax again! Bikinis! Photo shoots! No one actually doing their jobs! I can’t wait.

Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9/8C on Bravo.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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