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Two and a Half Men season 12 premiere

'Two and a Half Men' season premiere recap: Pretty in pink

Season 12 | Episode 1 | “The Ol’ Mexican Spinach” | Aired Oct 30, 2014

Season 12 of Two and a Half Men opens with Walden walking downstairs dressed as zombie Elvis and asking Alan if he’s ready to go. Cue Jon Cryer’s Alan entrance as Duckie from Pretty in Pink, giving a tip of his ’80s hat to fans of the John Hughes film. Of course, Walden has no clue who he is, and when Alan mentions the movie, Walden identifies him as Molly Ringwald. Alan tries to correct him but only ends up being mistaken for Boy George in the process.

The boys are preparing for a Halloween rendezvous with a couple of Walden’s girlfriends. Alan is particularly excited about his date, whom Walden describes as cute and just recovering from a breakup. “Hot, lonely, and damaged. Duckie’s gettin’ lucky!” Alan says. “If Duckie really wants to get lucky, he’ll tell the girls he’s someone they’ll actually remember. Like Ferris Bueller,” Walden responds.

While Alan notes that putting the word “slutty” in front of any job makes it a costume, Walden grabs his chest and groans in pain. Once Alan realizes Walden is serious, he immediately calls an ambulance. Alan tries to keep Walden calm and tells him it’s probably just gas and to try and fart. The doorbell rings, Alan answers—and finds a slutty officer and slutty Harry Potter. Walden tips over, falls to the floor, and farts, grumbling, “Didn’t work!”

Berta arrives at the hospital dressed as a nun. When Alan apologizes for dragging her away from her Halloween party, she says she wasn’t at a Halloween party. The two sit down, waiting to hear from the doctor, and talk about how great Walden is and how much they would miss him. Being the nice guy that he is, Alan tells Berta that she would always have a job at the house if something were to happen to Walden. Berta retorts that she could inherit the house because she cleans his underwear; Alan answers saying he wears his underwear. The doctor arrives and tells them Walden had a mild heart attack but he’ll make a full recovery. Before leaving, he tells Alan that Ferris Bueller is his favorite movie.

Berta disregards the doctor and heads to Walden’s room, mainly because she’s dressed as a nun in a hospital and she can do whatever she wants. Walden awakens to Berta and Bueller’s smiling faces and believes he’s in hell. In his morphine-induced haze, Walden starts to realize how pathetic his life is. He thanks Alan and Berta for being there but comedically cries out that they’re “not enough”—right before Berta shoots him up with more morphine to send him to his happy place.

While resting at home with Alan’s indirect help, Walden realizes that he wants his life to have meaning and believes to do that he needs to have a kid. Alan says he doesn’t know what to say except … “Papa?”

Walden visits a lawyer who specializes in adoption. She says he would be more than qualified, but it will be extremely difficult since the program is geared toward married couples. In his panic to give his life meaning, Walden begins to blurt out excuses about his incapability of marrying a woman and about how he once tried to commit suicide after his wife left him. The lawyer begins to take notes and Walden hilariously asks her why she’s writing that down. He then admits that two other women shot down his proposals and he’s incapable of maintaining a long-term relationship. He concludes by saying, “Now gimme a freakin’ baby!”

Unhappy about how the adoption program is against single guys, Walden comes home complaining to Alan. Walden says that he wants to marry the right person, “or Mila Kunis.” Considering Mila just had a baby with fiancé Ashton, it’s hard to miss this obvious “art-imitating-life” scenario.

While being comforted by Alan’s banana bread, Walden’s eyes light up with an idea, but his “best friend” Alan is oblivious. “What if we were more than friends?” Walden asks with a smile. Alan, confused, responds, “Like super friends?” Walden then drops to one knee and asks, “Alan Harper, will you marry me?”

Duckie is about to become the Mila Kunis of the Two and a Half Men universe.

Two and a Half Men airs Thursdays at 9/8C on CBS.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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