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'Are You the One?': Not if you keep cuffing

Season 2 | Episode 2 | Aired Oct 13, 2014

The lovelorn contestants return from the first match ceremony, confused and frustrated that they confirmed only two perfect matches. Does that definitely include Curtis and Briana, as Ellie believes? Could Pratt and Paris be the one perfect match? Remember, the premiere flash-forward showed Pratt and Paris crying and arguing. Trouble lies ahead.

For the blondes of the house, love is in the air, at least for now. Shelby and Nathan canoodle by the pool, commiserating over their failed relationships. Each has a history of dating not-so-nice people—d-bags and b–es, to be precise. Shelby speculates that it could mean they, two too-nice-for-their-own-good types, could be a match. When Shelby suggests she follows her heart and let love happen, Nathan, over the moon, tells her, “And I feel like that’s just what happened.” She shrugs and replies, “Ehh …”

Layton and Jenni canoodle on the couch. He tells her that he already feels comfortable with her, which she loves. The look in Layton’s eyes suggests “comfortable” doesn’t mean perfect match. It means boring. Christina thinks Brandon is the ying to her yang, and he feels the same way. After canoodling in the pool (so much canoodling in the house), they take their dalliance upstairs to the Boom Boom Room. Welcome back, Boom Boom Room! I hope you’re not as disgusting as you were last season.

Dario takes notice of Nathan’s laser-focused interest in Shelby. “Nate-dog’s cuffing,” he complains. Thanks to Urban Dictionary, “to cuff” means to overprotect a significant other (or in this case, a potential significant other) from others in fear that he or she may be interested in someone else. He makes it his mission to steer Shelby away from the clingy albeit well-meaning Nate-dog.

Set on the beach, the second challenge involves the guys digging into sand hearts and matching quotes from the hearts to the corresponding lady contestant. Quotes include, “My family’s farts smell deadly … including mine,” “Sometimes during sex I think about what I want to eat after,” and, “I know it’s weird, but a good parallel parker really turns me on.” Curtis, Alex, and Brandon win the getaway date to La Bestia, the highest zip line in the world, and pick Briana, Jasmine, and Christina, respectively.

The challenge winners pull off their best Superman impressions—or, more accurately, their best Neo impressions—at La Bestia. Jasmine and Alex quickly discover they have opposite, incompatible philosophies—Jasmine wants stability and plans; Alex wants to live a free, unstructured life. In her conversation with Curtis, Briana shares that she has had a miscarriage, and emphasizes that they’re growing closer on an emotional level. It’s early, but I’m totally rooting for Briana and Curtis. Put them in the truth booth!

But the opportunity to confirm Christina in a match and get rid of the Eleventh Girl Conundrum (as it shall now be referenced in logic theory textbooks) proves too tempting, and the group chooses Brandon and Christina for the truth booth. Tyler fails to convince them not to send Brandon and Christina, as she’s consumed with fear that she may be the Double Match. She also fails to convince Alex that she’s his match. Tyler does not do well this week.

For the second round in a row, Brandon enters the truth booth to learn he is not a match with his lady counterpart. He immediately blows off the truth booth and insists Christina is his match. The last thing this confused bunch needs is a Shanley-Chris situation.

Everyone but Pratt, Paris, and Christina wants to strategize the next match ceremony to determine whether or not Curtis-Briana and Pratt-Paris were the two perfect matches from the first ceremony. Paris doesn’t think it’s appropriate timing, while Christina cries in the next room. Pratt thinks strategy is stupid. Yup, winning a share of $1 million and a scientifically paired romantic match is stupid.

As a result, the second match ceremony, this time presided over by the ladies, proceeds rather haphazardly. Jessica wants to upgrade from a kid, Anthony, to a man, choosing Layton. Jenni, skeptical as ever, eventually chooses Nathan but has her eye on Anthony. This love square will surely end well. Despite Nathan calling her a “bright star,” Shelby chooses Dario. Nathan pouts and sinks into his cushion as Dario plants a wet one on Shelby.

As the Eleventh Girl, Christina chooses last, and the guy she picks must decide between her and the first girl. She chooses Alex, and he, in turn, chooses Christina to replace Ellie. Damn—I hope next season has an overabundance of hot guys, because this season is brutal for the ladies. With his hands on the magical iPads, Ryan Devlin reveals they have confirmed only two matches again. I have a feeling this is going to be a long season.

Match Ceremony

Jessica—Layton
Shelby—Dario
Paris—Pratt
Jasmine—Garland
Ashley—John
Tyler—Brandon
Alex-Anthony
Jenni—Nathan
Briana—Curtis
Christina—Alex
Excluded: Ellie

Perfect Matches: 2

Assorted Clues

  • Paris-Pratt and Curtis-Briana are the only two couples to remain the same in each match ceremony. They could be the two perfect matches from each ceremony … or not.
  • Christina and Jessica are both definitely not Brandon’s matches. Of all the contestants, his match should now be the easiest to determine.
  • On The Aftermatch, Christina referred to not having a problem with Ellie at the time of the second match ceremony. There are previews in which Ellie shouts about wanting to return home. Is Ellie the Double Match? What problems would Christina have with fan (and by “fan,” I’m including myself) favorite Ellie?

Are You the One?, rated TV-14, airs Mondays at 10 p.m. on MTV.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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