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'Total Divas' recap: Attack of the not-so-killer ostrich

Season 3 | Episode 6 | “Paint the Island Red” | Aired Oct 12, 2014

Perhaps to stem the tide of a certain show about the undead set to premiere against it, Total Divas gives us not one, but two jam-packed episodes this week. While not specifically designed to play off of one another, the episodes succeed in working together as perverted bookends of sorts by featuring relationships on the brink.

But before we deep dive into this week’s assorted shenanigans, I have to give a shoutout to an unheralded master of the Internet. Last week I begged someone to create a GIF of the episode’s most awesome moment (i.e. the random fan’s face when Brie called Stephanie a bitch) and ‘lo my prayers were answered:


Alas, the creator of this masterpiece is not identified, so if it’s you, please step forward and claim your accolades!

Despite already being married, Eva Marie is keen to have a bachelorette party and so a good portion of the crew takes off for balmy weather, surf, and sand. If the tri-colored birds and lapping waves are any indication, Curaçao is basically paradise on Earth. It’s a chance for everyone to connect, especially Nattie and T.J., who are currently taking a break from their relationship. Also having issues are Vinnie and Ariane who have been unable to spend a lot of time together, thanks to Ariane’s crazy road schedule.

While Eva Marie and Jonathan act like the newlyweds they are, Nikki hopes that Brie on vacation without Bryan means the return of her sister’s former, hard-partying persona Brie-monster. Of course, the path of true partying never did run smoothly, and Brie, Jonathan, and Vinnie find themselves in paradise sans clothes thanks to some missing luggage. Eva Marie, Ariane, Jonathan and Vinnie go cliff jumping into the world’s most gorgeous blue water. While the others are out having fun, Nikki is frustrated that Brie would rather spend her time online shopping for her new house than drinking with Nikki.

Nattie’s romantic escapade with T.J. is off to a great start as her husband has not only planned everything, but he also takes the time to compliment her. Unfortunately, her vision of candles and moonlight doesn’t quite jive with T.J.’s animal farm surprise. Despite hanging with the world’s most personable and hungry ostrich, Nattie takes T.J. to task for not being romantic, while a dejected T.J. lets Nattie know that he doesn’t appreciate her continuous harping.

The Bella Twins spend some much needed sisterly bonding time at the spa but Brie’s inability to stop chattering on about her new home causes Nikki’s blood to boil. The ladies then regroup and, with everyone donning red wigs, throw Eva her much-anticipated bachelorette party. It’s a low-key affair and talk soon turns serious with Vinnie revealing his dreams to buy a home. It is a dream that Ariane quickly squelches citing the rigors of the road. The argument opens up the floodgates, with Vinnie complaining that he doesn’t get any real time alone with Ariane. When she tells him to drop the conversation, he stalks off. Coming to her senses, Ariane apologizes for taking Vinnie for granted and the two reconcile.

Any fan of reality television knows that having a cast assembled around a large dinner table can only mean one thing: A dinner from hell! Things actually start off well with everyone talking about how much they love one another. But ultimately the Divas don’t disappoint as Nikki takes Brie to task for becoming boring once she married Bryan.

With everyone chanting Brie-mode, Brie is annoyed by the constant harping by her sister to drink. Also emotional is Nattie, who confides to Eva about her marital woes and how she doesn’t feel desired by her husband. Before they head home, Nikki explains that she misses her sister. But Brie explains that getting wasted drunk upsets Bryan and so, out of respect for him, she has tried to curb her hard-partying side. The twins have a real heart to heart and seal things with a gross hug.


Season 3 | Episode 7 | “The Double-Cross” | Aired Oct 12, 2014

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 7.37.16 PM

How do you start off a second an episode? With a vibrating adult toy making a whole lot of noise in Rosa’s bag. Nattie has to turn it off but it’s okay because, as Rosa points out, she washed it. Hang on kids; this is going to be a wild ride!

Rosa unveils yet another skimpy outfit in her arsenal, much to Nattie’s disapproval, and talks about how much she wants a relationship but that she’s afraid that rejection may cause her to fall off the wagon. Nattie, who is easily becoming this episode’s Debbie Downer, points out that Rosa’s standards are too high and that Rosa’s plan of taking things slowly with a new guy won’t work because men have needs. Say what?!

Nikki is ready to celebrate the release of her film and she and John roll up limo-style for a romantic meal. But talk about how good the “girls” look in her dress turns into an inquisition of sorts as John wants to know if Nikki would ever go nude for a film. When she says no, he then wants to know about showing butt crack and make-out scenes. Clearly, John is a man on a mission, but we won’t discover the reason for his bizarre questions until later.

The relationship between Nattie and T.J. hits crisis mode and the two make an appointment with a therapist. While Nattie tearfully reveals how alone she feels in the relationship, T.J. points out that Nattie is always focused on work. The two are able to put their issues aside long enough for Nattie to help T.J. develop a new ring character, but T.J.’s refusal to go back to therapy puts the two back to square one.

Nikki and John are tooling around town and doing some excellent product placement for John’s upcoming role in an Amy Schumer film when he casually lets slip the fact that he will be doing semi-nudity and will have a love scene. Ah, suddenly his bizzaro questions make sense! Naturally, this revelation doesn’t sit well with Nikki and the two start a heated argument that ends with John questioning (out loud!) whether he is with the right woman.

Dipping her toe back into the dating scene, Rosa meets up with Cleveland Browns player Gary Barnidge, who, it should be noted, fits all of her dating requirements. Take that, Nattie! The two enjoy a no-pressure daytime date in which Rosa scarfs some of Gary’s lunch. Luckily, he appears to find this trait adorable instead of obnoxious.

Nikki shows off her new home with John to the family and she explains how uncomfortable she is with John’s sex scene. But rather than backing her feelings, her mother points out that it is his job and that it comes with the territory. But the other Divas side with Nikki’s concerns 100 percent. After discussing things ad nauseam, Nikki comes to the conclusion that she is taking out her distrust of men from past relationships on John and is acting unfairly. She apologizes to John and he apologizes as well and the two become closer than ever.

Keeping in mind the truly awesome GIF from above, Brie gets a childhood dream fulfilled when her character has a knockdown, drag-out fight in the center of the ring with Stephanie McMahon. At the same event, Rosa gives Gary the backstage treatment and things get super weird when Summer Rae is left alone with Gary and the two discover they have a lot in common.

Out on a press junket, Nattie makes a joke that she isn’t divorced yet as she poses with another good-looking wrestler. Again, what could possibly go wrong? T.J. gets wind of the quote and asks Nattie point blank if she wants a divorce. She answers with a closed door to T.J.’s face.

Rosa’s second date with Gary starts off well but a quick drink mix-up causes Rosa to reveal that she is recently out of rehab. Unfortunately, she also takes the moment to launch into a diatribe about wanting to find her soul mate and being extremely needy. Because what guys love is pressure! ‘Lo and behold, Gary is ready for another lunch date, but this time with Summer Rae. Talk about breaking Girl Code!

Comments, Gripes, and Observations

  • I hereby pledge to incorporate Nikki’s description of nudity as “full-butt nakedness, Game-of-Thrones style” into every conversation, appropriate or not.
  • Did Nattie’s reaction to T.J.’s date surprise you?
  • Daniel Bryan’s plea to Nikki to not dress his wife up as a hoochie may be one of the more unintentionally funny things I’ve heard this year.
  • Am I the only one who would love for Stephanie McMahon to be on this show full time?
  • It’s nice to see Rosa being given some layers, instead of always just being portrayed as sex crazy.
  • Whoa, Cameron is showing some serious improvement in her ring game. Do you think she’ll make it back to the main roster?

Total Divas airs Sundays at 9/8C on E!