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'Total Divas' recap: Under fire

Season 3 | Episode 5 | “Scared Straight” | Aired Oct 5, 2014

Tonight’s episode, aptly named “Scared Straight,” was a master class in shade-throwing, side eye, and zombie warfare. Not only did Ariane school her erstwhile brother in front of his friends, but John Cena continued his uncontested reign as World’s Most Annoying Doucherson. And somewhere in the melee, Eva Marie took up arms against a posterized zombie. You aren’t gonna see that on Downton Abbey, y’all!

The madness kicks off with an average luncheon between Brie and Nikki in which the two debate whale vaginas. But the silly gives way to the serious when it is revealed that Bryan’s injury is more extensive than he previously thought. Rather than have a second surgery, Bryan opts for a holistic plan that relies on acupuncture and rehab. Needless to say, it is a decision mocked by everyone but Bryan and Brie.

Nikki, especially, voices concern that taking the holistic approach means a loss of income. Get that green, girl! As Nikki spills the tea about Bryan’s medical decisions, John responds in a predictably unsympathetic way by calling Bryan’s decision “stupid.” He then makes a bunch of confusing car analogies.

Between her father’s cancer and her religious differences of opinion with her new husband, Eva Marie’s storyline has seemed a bit out of place on Total Divas, mainly because they are so based in reality. That trend continues in this episode when, after a series of neighborhood home invasions, Jonathan decides he and Eva Marie should own a gun.

Ariane is showing off her war wounds from training to an impressed Eva Marie when she gets a frantic call from her mother. She comes to find out that her brother has been acting the fool by cutting school and hanging with a rough crowd. So Ariane opts to take time off from work and head out to Los Angeles to help her mother.

Wanting to be a “good wifey,” Eva Marie agrees to accompany Jonathan to the shooting range. But as she blasts away at a zombie target, Eva Marie grows increasingly uncomfortable with the firearms. When Jonathan starts talking specifics as to what to purchase and then proceeds to buy a gun without clearing it with his wife, Eva Marie lets him know in no uncertain terms that he will not be calling all the shots in their marriage.

Ariane rolls into town and picks up Vinnie before getting the lowdown on her brother Quentinn’s recent behavior. She finds him literally kickin’ it on the curb and launches into a serious big-sister lecture. But when Ariane spies a bong, she goes ballistic. For his part, Quentinn finds his sister’s concern hysterical and throws a wide variety of smirks her way. Kudos to Vinnie for resisting the urge to wash the little smart aleck’s mouth out with soap and instead taking the high road.

As Bryan’s pain increases, Brie pushes Bryan to talk with a medical doctor. His worst fears come to fruition when the doctor tells him that he needs another surgery. On the plus side, it’s an easy surgery with a quick recovery time. Reality and storyline blurs as Bryan takes to the ring and tells his fans that he doesn’t know when he will be returning to fight. But back home, Bryan announces that he has decided not to have the surgery, much to Brie’s dismay. In the end, Brie decides to support Bryan no matter what he ultimately decides.

Eva Marie polls her friends to find out their views on Jonathan purchasing the gun. Nattie points out that it is less about the gun, and more about Eva Marie feeling disrespected. Also feeling unappreciated is Ariane, who enlists a friend’s help in setting Quentinn straight. As an ex-gang member, Tattoo lays out the cold hard truth to Quentinn and gets up in his face for good measure.

In the end, the meeting with Tattoo appears to have had its desired impact, as Quentinn apologizes to his mother and sister for his behavior. Also apologizing is Jonathan, who realizes now the importance of consulting his wife on the big decisions; they seal things with a kiss. It’s a sweet ending for an episode fueled by antagonism. And if next week’s previews are any indication, the drama is far from over!

Comments, Gripes, and Observations

  • Did you guys catch that dude’s face in the audience when Brie called Stephanie a bitch? It was the stuff of GIF legends, so please, someone make that happen!
  • I loved watching Bryan react to the waiter referring to him as a woman. That is one chill dude!
  • Watching Rosa as she tried to keep her breasts from going rogue during a photoshoot was extremely random and extremely funny.
  • I got chills when the audience started chanting “Yes! Yes! Yes!” in response to Bryan’s appearance.
  • Those gang members were no joke. Here’s hoping Quentinn heeds their advice.

Total Divas airs Sundays at 9/8C on E!

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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