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'Witches of East End' recap: Nevermore

Season 2 | Episode 11 | “Poe Way Out” | Aired Sept 28, 2014

It’s been a tough 24 hours for the Beauchamp family. Grandfather is officially back, walking around in Tommy’s body. Special Agent Raven Moreau shocks Dash by showing up at the hospital and flashing a badge instead of a little thigh. Killian is on a mission to bring Freya back from the dead. He has no idea she’s traveled back in time with Aunt Wendy and Joanna to retrieve a weapon that will kill the King once and for all.

Freya: How do you know it will work?
Joanna: A long time ago, I used it to kill you.

Well, this is intriguing news. Let’s back up a bit—all the way to 1848. Apparently the Beauchamp women ran a brothel in Baltimore. Luckily for our current-day Beauchamps, the upstairs parlor is full of “entertainer” costumes the women can use to blend into their surroundings. Of course, they spend the entire episode hiding out in a barn, so it doesn’t really matter that Aunt Wendy’s turquoise bra is still peeking out from the top of her lucky dress.

Dash isn’t so lucky. His afternoon-delight partner has been asking questions about the string of dead bodies in East End and even mentioned that a new one washed up on the shore. Dash heads to the morgue to check, and sure enough, it’s the man he killed. He takes some pliers from his pocket, looks around, and begins yanking teeth from the bloated corpse. He pauses and for a brief moment, I thought he would buy a clue and use magic to extract the teeth. No such luck. He keeps going. The twisting and pulling is accompanied by the most disgusting sounds, and I fast forward to keep from puking.

Witches of East EndKillian is still with Eva and the priest. He begs them to bring back his one true love. Eva explains that there is a spell, but it’s too late for this life. They can make a potion that will break future curses, but the cost is high. Killian must sacrifice his own life. Through tears, he agrees to drink the potion before falling asleep, because life isn’t worth living without his Juliet Freya.

Back in the barn, Joanna warns Freya that they only have 12 hours to get what they need or very bad things will happen.

Freya: What are we waiting for?
Aunt Wendy: Past Joanna has to kill past Freya before we can get it.

Good to know. Let’s back up again.

Once upon a time in 1848, when Freya was entertaining at the family brothel, a brooding Killian (with a sweet ‘stache) agrees to let Freya read his cards. Killian is impressed that she knows so much about his life. He becomes fascinated when she shares details that he has never told another soul. When she promises success, wealth, and true love, he takes her into his arms, demanding to know when it will begin.

Witches of East End

It begins that night with a roll in very tangled sheets with Freya. Mid-fling, Killian and Freya decide to get really personal and share their names. Edgar, meet Freya. Freya, meet Edgar. As in Allan Poe.

Joanna: You were deeply in love with him. You were his muse.
Freya: I almost failed sophomore English because of Edgar Allan Poe!

Freya breaks the witch code. All of Poe’s crazy, whacked-out stories were based on the Beauchamp women. When his creative well ran dry, Freya offered to conjure up some spirits for inspiration. But instead of receiving inspiration, Freya received the soul of a crabby old guy who insisted on possessing her.

Speaking of possession, what is up with Special Agent Raven? She arrives at Dash’s house, demanding he answer some questions. Dash becomes so jittery that he doesn’t even notice the trench coat. Everyone knows that trench coats are the universal cover-up for lingerie or nakedness. Ask any flasher and they’ll tell you the same thing. She whips it open and begins complaining about a kink that she can’t get rid of, then directs him south of the border. Dash is quickly becoming the show’s official booty call, and he seems to be embracing everything about the assignment.

Freddie is not embracing his new assignment. He’s basically annoying the King with requests to go back into time to try to find his family. Grandfather is not worried at all. He just needs one more ingredient for his tracking spell and all will be revealed. He scouts the Bent Elbow for the perfect human, gets her drunk, walks her through a murky meadow, then takes her heart. No biggie.

Meanwhile, Freya possessor is snapping necks left and right, condemning people for their sinful behavior. Edgar finally confesses to Aunt Wendy that he and Freya may have dabbled in some dark magic during a seance, and Wendy freaks. She searches an alleyway, the one place where murderers always lurk, and is quickly killed by Freya.

Ingrid finds her dead aunt and rushes to tell her mother, who has been living in a cloud of opium since Victor left. A groggy Joanna whips up an elixir and gives it to a man who pours it into a box. When the possessing spirit looks inside the box, it will be ripped from the host body and sent to hell. P.S. The host body is doomed. Freya can’t be saved, which means Ingrid will die too.

Decisions, decisions.

Now that Dash has worked out Raven’s kinks, it’s time for her to snoop around the attic. Naturally she finds this weird black goo in the fireplace, which just so happens to be the exact same weird black goo that covered our bloated, now-toothless corpse. Dash creeps up behind her, fully aware that she is up to no good. Instead of lying, Raven tells him that she was snooping and she deserves to be punished. Then, I kid you not, she bends over.


Channel check. No, I didn’t accidentally switch to Cinemax. I’m still watching Lifetime. Carry on.

After Ingrid tells her grandfather that she wants to go back to Asgard with him (what?!), the King summons Tarkoff to send him on a trip to prove his worthiness. Joanna must be stopped, and Tarkoff is just the man for the job. Cue Freddie looking extremely wounded.

Suddenly, we cut to Ingrid knocking on Dash’s door. Surprise! She’s not dead! And guess what else? She is pulling the wool over Grandfather’s eyes. She’s not really on his side. She’s just faking it so she can unfold her super-secret plan to get the family back together. But she needs Dash’s help to pull it off. First things first, though: Dash calls Killian to tell him that Freya isn’t dead, but a mourning Killian declines the call and chugs the last bit of potion from his glass. Oh, true apothecary.

The possessed Freya from 1848 is alive and kicking, and drawn like a moth to a flame when Ingrid and Joanna begin singing hymns in the graveyard. She spews some awful insults Joanna’s way before Joanna apologizes to her daughter, opens the box, and watches as the spirit is sucked from Freya’s shell of a body. Out of the woods, another Joanna walks up to the women and asks for the box. Opium-induced Joanna hands it over without question.

Joanna: I carried that memory for 150 years and knew one day I would need it to complete the circle. We are going to wait for me to kill you and then we’re going to send your grandfather straight to hell.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a dramatic season finale to me!

Witches of East End airs Sundays at 9/8C on Lifetime.

TV Families | EW.com
February 23, 1990 at 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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