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'Alias' nostalgia react: Is Sloane Sydney's real dad?

Season 1 | Episode 9 | “Mea Culpa” | Aired Dec 9, 2001

Okay, new theory. This might be totally crazy, but … I think Sloane might be Sydney’s dad. Or maybe he just thinks it’s possible that he’s really her dad.

The evidence: Sydney is CLEARLY the mole in SD-6. She passed her epic lie-detector test with flying colors. The kind of flying colors that tell superspy lie-detector test proctors that you’ve been trained by the CIA to pass the test. When the analyst tells Sloane that he’s sure Sydney is the mole, Sloane is all, “I’ll take care of this.” Then he proceeds to send out a message from SD-6’s compromised server about a hit on Sydney during her next mission. His master plan is that the CIA will intercept the message and, if Sydney really is a double agent, they’ll evacuate her from the scene, proving she’s a two-timing superspy.

The plan works pretty much perfectly. Vaughn & Co. hear the message and start planning a major Save Sydney Op. Luckily for everyone (except Sydney, who was about to get out of the spy game for good), Jack Bristow knows just how Sloane works and warns the CIA that it’s a trap. There definitely (probably, almost-for-sure, like 99.999%) isn’t a real hit going down. The CIA hold on their rescue mission, Sydney isn’t assassinated and everyone is happy.

Why this proves Sloane is Sydney’s maybe-dad: He gave her an out. Sydney sees it the moment Vaughn explains to her what happened. Sloane did the one thing he could do that kept SD-6 technically happy, but also guaranteed she wouldn’t be harmed. If she were the double agent, he gave her a chance to be rescued by her team. He walks around saying Syd is like a daughter to him and, in his weird, maybe-goodbye speech to her before he sends her out for her fake hit, he reveals that he was there when she was a baby, but spent most of her childhood working missions overseas and stuff. Was he there before she was a baby? Like maybe hanging out with her mom and keeping her company on all those late nights when Jack was out working with the KGB or whatever?

Okay, so it’s just a theory. It’s feeling so obvious at this point that it’s probably a red herring, but I couldn’t just ignore it.

In other news: Will Tippin is finally making contact with … someone. His strategy has been to be as bumbling as possible until they can’t ignore him anymore. He found a bug that Kate Jones/Eloise Kurtz was wearing when they had their meeting. His friend who’s an expert in such things takes a look and realizes that it’s A) government-level quality bug technology and B) STILL ON. Will tries to talk to mysterious people on the other end. He whispers his phone number to them. He gives up and tells all to Francie, who starts joking about it (because she’s a normal person who doesn’t really believe it’s a government bug). The mysterious They call Will and tell him to stop talking about their spy mission.

Later, he gets a call at a phone booth, which is so retro. I assume that even by 2001, this should have been a dead giveaway that you were up to something nefarious because … cell phones. They ask if he’s in and he says yes because he’s an idiot. Later, they drop off audio of Kate Jones/Eloise Kurtz’s murder. Welcome to the club, Will. Too bad you have no idea at all who you’re dealing with. I’ve given up on the idea that he’ll die any time soon. He’s probably just going to stumble through spy agencies, weirdly not being killed for several seasons.

Is the Sloane thing a huge red herring? Are you annoyed at Will for being so willfully stupid too? Sound off in the comments!

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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