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'Married' recap: Group therapy

Season 1 | Episode 10 | “Family Day” | Aired Sept 18, 2014

Life is pretty stressful for the Bowmans. Well, it’s stressful for Lina. The family is being kicked out of their home and Lina is beginning to panic about the impending move, as well as the unknown details of the future. Russ feels like this is the perfect opportunity to spice things up by living more adventurously. And the obvious place to discuss important life decisions is at a rehab facility.

It’s more of a swanky resort, really. When Russ and Lina drive up to visit AJ on Family Day, Lina notes that if either one of them needed help with an addiction, it would be cheaper to just stay on drugs. This comment resulted in a cracked smile form Russ. Yay for positive emotions!

They find AJ hanging out by the duck pond and shower him with compliments. When Russ apologizes for not visiting as often as Jess, AJ scoffs. She doesn’t care about him. She’s a rehab junkie and is obsessed with the recoveries of other patients. Somehow Jess has managed to make AJ’s rehab all about her.

Lina is busy checking every realtor website for house listings in their budget. She is encouraged by AJ’s suggestion of making the neighbors (who are forcing them out of their home) pay them to leave on such short notice. This could result in a bigger house! Or moving to Costa Rica!

giphyRuss explains to Lina that he wants to move the entire family to Costa Rica, just like this random guy did who wrote a book on the experience. He wants to open a surf shop and begin living life again. Lina predicts that he will surf, while she stays home with all three kids.

Russ: No. You’d be teaching too.

giphy1Lina leaves Russ daydreaming at the serenity pond, to find a WiFi hotspot. Jess the Junkie knows exactly where to get a strong signal, and she leads the way with Shep following along behind. When they arrive at a juice bar that looks like a converted food truck, Lina casually mentions that Russ is in a freak-out mode. Jess questions if Lina feels her marriage is in a rut? Lina is extremely offended.

Meanwhile, when Shep learns about Russ’ Costa Rica plans, he shares that he once had a Costa Rica plan, but in Morocco.

Shep: So you think it will be the best thing for the kids?
Russ: Is it the best thing that their father is miserable?

Lina rushes up to Russ, excited that she found the perfect house. It even has three bathrooms!

Russ: If you don’t care about Costa Rica, I don’t care about your third bathroom.

Even though this show gets more depressing by the minute, I choose to root for the Bowmans. I’m not convinced about this Costa Rica business, but I will not give up.

AJ isn’t giving up either. He wrangles everyone (except his ex-wife, of course) into a room and begins his apologetic spiel. Jess offers to go first, which ignites a strain of bitterness in AJ’s official apology to her. Through gritted teeth and a fake smile, he says he’s sorry for denting her car and leaving a surprise in their guest bathroom.

Lina is officially done, and is anxious to get to the open house of their perfect house. She forgives AJ before he has a chance to apologize, so she and Russ can race across town to the opening. AJ becomes angry, Russ becomes irritated, and Jess accuses Lina of controlling the situation to meet her needs. An official girl fight is brewing, and it’s the worst kind. Prepare for the emotional cut-down.

Lina: You should be a little more worried about your own marriage and less involved with mine. Your husband eats dinner alone every night with the nanny, and your son only speaks Spanish.
Jess: He’s not going to want to bang you in Costa Rica either.

giphy2Everyone jumps in to defend themselves or others, as AJ screams for the attention to please come back around to him, his addiction, and his apologies.

The next day, Lina admits to Russ that she read the book. Even though she thinks it was well written, the part in Iceland was really scary, and she has no idea what to expect. Russ mumbles in agreement. It is then that she realizes he hasn’t even read the book he’s been preaching about for days! Lina reminds him that she would be doing everything, and that feels exhausting.

Russ: You’re better at that than I am. I could carry the luggage.
Lina: You could carry the luggage.

A few days later, the friends celebrate AJ’s release from rehab with backyard burgers and a morbid conversation. According to Shep, he plans on leaving this world rather elaborately: death by brisket. Jess is planning on overdosing old-school style, while AJ graphically describes the release of all his vital organs through his nether regions. Assuming the girls are out of the house and off the pole, Lina’s plan is a bit simpler.

Lina: We will travel around the world to all the places we’ve wanted to see. When we’re done? Murder and suicide. There’s no one else I’d rather die beside.
Russ: There’s no one else I’d rather murder me.

It was the sweetest moment of the entire episode. They may have dashed hopes, wild dreams, lost time, and no direction, but these two crazy kids seem to love each other when it counts.

Married on FX

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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