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'Witches of East End' recap: The truth will set you free

Season 2 | Episode 9 | “Smells Like King Spirit” | Aired Sept 14, 2014

Last week’s Witches of East End promo told us that someone was going to die. I think it’s my duty to point out that “someone” is a singular subject. “Someone” denotes that one person will bite it. “Someone” is different from “some.” “Someone” does not prepare us for the shocking final two minutes of the show, when the body count rose tremendously.

Someone’s heart needs to stop racing because someone has to write a recap.

Freddie writhes helpless on the ground as Tarkoff beats him. Freddie did not kill Caroline, and Tarkoff thinks he needs to learn a lesson. A battered Freddie manages to make his way to the house. He tells Joanna the truth about Tarkoff and his plan to find a host body for the king.

Witches of East EndJoanna goes into full mama-bear mode. She heals her son before planning her revenge. There’s only one way to surprise a telepath: death scorpions. One sting results in paralysis. Two stings and you’re dead. Joanna doesn’t play around.

Freya, on the other hand, is playing the role of crazy stalker. She bursts into the library confessing to Ingrid that she slept with Killian. Who cares that he’s married? He loves her. Something is up with his weirdo wife, and Freya is going to get to the bottom of it.

Something is up with weirdo Eva. She spits in a bowl, breaks an egg over some old bones, then hugs her Old Lady Baby Child in celebration. When the egg begins to bleed and turn black, the festivities morph into tears. It’s the witchcraft version of a pregnancy test and this one was not positive. Eva is so depressed that she takes a walk.

This is highly convenient, since Freya sneaks into the apartment to snoop. She finds Eva’s memory elixir tucked away in a drawer. When she turns to leave, the Old Lady Baby Child shouts a spell. Freya is able to escape right before the witch clutches her chest and dies.

Meanwhile, Dash is dealing with his anger-management issues by smashing his phone, throwing decanters of alcohol and breaking furniture in the attic. As a bookshelf comes tumbling down, a secret compartment reveals several letters, journals, and one very old picture of Ingrid.

Ingrid explains that she has died and been reborn for several centuries. She reveals that Archibald Browning is Dash’s grandfather, and she once hooked up with him. Never fear. They are not related.

Dash: I’m so relieved to find out I didn’t have sex with my grandmother last night.

Freya warns Dash that the spells in Archibald’s diaries are dark and dangerous. She doesn’t want Dash to end up like Archibald, so she makes him burn all of the journals. I’m sure Dash burned every single journal. Please read that last sentence in a sarcastic font.

Back at the house, Freya and Freddie use their Wonder Twin magic to see if Tarkoff has chosen a new host body. They flash into an old psychiatric ward (because there is always an abandoned one on the outskirts of town) and find Tarkoff performing the ritual on Tommy.

Tarkoff: I know you know our secret. You’re not afraid of death. That makes you the perfect candidate to take on the king’s spirit. Just as soon as I remove it from Frederick.

Freya is shocked! She lets go of Freddie’s hand and tells her mom and aunt that Tarkoff has Tommy, and her grandfather’s spirit is walking around in her brother’s body. Freddie tries to explain, but before he can, Joanna throws a death scorpion and nails him in the neck. They will deal with him later. It’s time to find Tommy.

Witches of East End

Too bad Tommy isn’t Tommy. The spell has worked. He is now ready to be the vessel.

Freya makes Killian confront Eva about the memory elixir she found in the underwear drawer. When Eva turns, she’s the old-lady version. In order to stay powerful and young, Eva had to get pregnant by a warlock before her other child died. She admitted to casting a spell, and Freya tried to heal her. Eva died in Killian’s arms.

Body count = 2

Aunt Wendy and Joanna find Tommy’s bloody shirt at the psychiatric ward. Joanna cuts through the crap and calls Tarkoff directly, demanding they meet in person so she can kill him. I don’t know about you, but I like hardcore Joanna.

Freya receives a call from Ingrid to come to the library because some creepy man is outside. She arrives to find Ingrid out cold on the floor. As she tries to wake her, Tarkoff shuts the library doors with a smirk. Not good.

Dash and Killian have a bro moment in the attic. Dash admits that he knocked out Killian with his powers the night of his wedding.

Witches of East End

Killian is livid because Dash left him there to die. They decide to duke it out, boxing-style, until that becomes boring. Next up? Killian’s flames against Dash’s electricity. The brothers run into each other with one magical crash. Everything is obliterated. This includes the jar of water with the submerged stick man. As you may recall, as long as the man remains in water, the dead man’s body in the lake will never be found. Whoopsie.

Tarkoff is at the bar. He tells Joanna that the king has promised her to him. He knows this news makes her angry, but she’ll get over it in a century or two. Joanna chucks a death scorpion, and Tarkoff suspends it with an orb of his own before disappearing.

Witches of East EndTarkoff heads to the house to find Freddie and to apologize for beating the crap out of him. He turns and is greeted with a death scorpion to the neck. Freddie plucks it from his neck and forcefully shoves it down Tarkoff’s throat.

Freddie: I will never let you or my grandfather hurt my family again. I will kill the host and then myself. He will never come to this world. Never.

Through bloody, gargling bubbles, Tarkoff chokes out one last bit of news before he dies.

Tarkoff: I left you a present in the garden.

Body count = 3

Aunt Wendy and Joanna come rushing in the house. They see Tarkoff dead in the living room and a broken Freddie standing in the back doorway, muttering the words, “I’m sorry.”

Joanna and Aunt Wendy rush out to the garden and find Ingrid and Freya hanging limp from nooses. Dead.

Body count = 5

The truth may set you free, but there will definitely be consequences for your actions. I have a feeling Archibald’s dark spells are going to be working some magic next episode.

Witches of East End airs on Lifetime on Sundays at 9/8C.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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