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'Alias' nostalgia react: I retract my earlier statement about being hooked

Season 1 | Episode 7 | “Color Blind” | Aired Nov 25, 2001


Break out the cookie-dough ice cream, because I need to talk to someone about my relationship with Alias. Remember last week, when I was so excited? I was infatuated, for crying out loud! I was ready to invite Alias up for the night.

Well, Alias had to be at work early or something, I guess. We waited another week to hang out again, and this date was decidedly less awesome. Sydney escaped the prison with that guy she was trying to deprogram to gain information. She was tortured for a while, which was kind of nice since she gets on my nerves a lot (I know, I know, I’m supposed to love Sydney Bristow and think she’s totally kickass, but I just don’t—not yet, anyway), but overall the whole thing was lackluster.

Then she told this guy everything about her backstory (including how she’s a double agent and SD-6 killed her fiancé—everything) and learned that he’s the guy who killed Danny. He was brainwashed into being a sleeper assassin, and he was sent to rid the world of Danny Who Knew Too Much. He even remembers Syd’s name because he saw it on a birthday banner in a picture of her in the apartment. It’s sad. It’s creepy. It’s totally less interesting than last week’s episode.

What made last week great, I’ve realized, is that Sloane was starting to really suspect that a mole had infiltrated SD-6 and that Sydney was that mole. At this point, I need to admit that I’m actively rooting for the bad guys. I’m sorry (not that sorry), but Sydney kind of deserves to be caught if she doesn’t step up her game (for the record, I’d prefer she just really step up her game, if that makes me any less despicable). This week, Sloane was in internal cover-up mode, telling Marshall that the leak he found was just a test and that he was the only one who caught it. Also, he seems to know exactly what’s up (dropping lines to Jack Bristow about Sydney being like a daughter to him), which I love. I love when my fictional spies know what’s up.

Elsewhere in the plot, early-aughts Bradley Cooper is still hurdling toward an untimely and violent death. His “source” (the woman who was clearly hired by SD-6 or another spy agency to pretend to be the woman from Danny’s flight) has disappeared, and his editor has finally accepted his pitch to write a story about the whole ordeal. The only thing that’s worse than poking your nose into espionage is probably to write a newspaper article about what you’ve found. Of course, he’s second-guessing the decision to write the piece, not because he fears for his life, but because he fears for his future ability to get with Sydney, who explicitly asked him to drop the whole thing on multiple occasions.

Also, it’s Thanksgiving, and Charlie proposes to Francie; he’s adorably nervous about it. It’s really cute, and I wish there were more Francie- and Charlie-centric episodes because they’re nice and I generally believe them as characters, unlike pretty much all of the spies.

I reiterate: SIGHHHHHHHH. Here’s hoping that the next episode hooks me again. Maybe Alias and I can at least have an epic, Katy Perry–esque hot-and-cold relationship.

What did you think of Alias when it was on? Were you as lukewarm to Sydney as I am? Or was her schtick more charming in 2001?

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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