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'Legends' recap: Remember to breathe

Season 1 | Episode 4 | “Betrayal” | Aired Sept 3, 2014

If Martin Odum had the option to call out of work, today should’ve been that day. I’m not saying this was a bad episode. I’m saying Martin is about to go on a brutal, bloody roller coaster that ends with his psyche even more damaged than it was before. If you didn’t think Legends could get any better, you were dead wrong. Take a deep breath.

After dropping deadly VX gas into a man’s eye, Dante and the Colonel go out for soy lattes and catch a matinee of Guardians of the Galaxy. WRONG.  They set up the next day’s exchange of $32 million dollars for the VX gas. Cut to the next day. As the exchange is going down, a lone dove flies overhead to commemorate the friendship between a war criminal and an arms dealer. WRONG. Sniper!

LEGENDSChaos breaks out at the scene when a sniper gets all snipey and ruins the fun. The FBI swarms in, and Dante escapes with Ana, but then confesses that she’s actually under arrest. Surprise! Meanwhile, Crystal kills one of the Colonel’s guards and places the Colonel under arrest.

Crystal: What’s the matter, Colonel? Chicken?

Colonel: I do not get the reference.

Crystal: Troy would’ve loved that joke. (“In the Arms of an Angel” by Sarah McLachlan plays as Crystal stares off into the distance.)

Remember Agent Tony Rice? Guy who refuses to drop balls? Of course you do. He’s still snooping around and looking for ways to nail Martin for the subway platform murder. He even snitches to his boss about Director Gates coming to his home. Come on, Agent Rice. Snitches get stitches. On this show, snitches probably also get their memories erased and replaced with a new identity.

Legends Ep3 - Morris (Legends' official Twitter)Agent Rice takes a photo of Robert McCombs, the dead hobo, to a local diner. Literally dozens of hobos are there. I can’t make this up. He starts to interrogate one then has to choke a different hobo for information. This homeless person tells Rice that he was at the subway platform and saw a woman kill McCombs. Finally! The truth! Now maybe Agent Rice can start to work with Martin and not against him.

Back at FBI headquarters, Ana and the Colonel are both being interrogated. Turns out Odum was given a few vials of hair spray and not the VX gas. Surprise! It’s also revealed to Ana that the Colonel is the one who raped and killed her mother. That’s why he adopted her at age 10. They don’t have Ancestry.com in Chechnya? Weird.

Martin and Crystal convince Ana to help them set up the Colonel so they can get their hands on the real VX gas, which the Colonel’s men have already used to kill 16 people on a bus. I glossed over that scene, didn’t I? Did you see Speed? It was like that except everyone on the bus died. Ana has a quick one on one with the Colonel to verify the story and make him cry. He actually tried the old “Let me explain!” spiel. Explain? You raped and killed her mother. Felt bad about it. Then adopted Ana. That about cover it? Oh Colonel, I will miss you.

The end of the episode sees Martin, who the Colonel still believes is Dante, accompany Ana and the Colonel to the bank. That’s where the deadly VX gas is being held.

Colonel: Hi, I’d like to make a withdrawal from my safety deposit box.

Bank Teller: Two pieces of extra crispy, 2 sides, and a 20 ounce soda?

Colonel: I do not find these KFC jokes amusing.

The Colonel has a fake safety deposit box that literally blows up in Odum’s face, and he tries to escape the bank. It ends in a stand off between Odum, the Colonel and Ana with a LOT of guilt being laid on ol’ Rapey McKillMom. Odum has a gun in each hand (so cool!), and predictably, Ana kills the Colonel. Of course, she’s not too thrilled about the idea of prison. (Has she not seen Orange Is the New Black? Women’s prisons are pretty hilarious.) So Ana gestures as though she’s going to kill Martin and Crystal fills her chest with lead. The end!

Legends Ep3 (Legends' official Twitter)You need to watch this episode. I’d say if you haven’t jumped on board with this show yet, this might be the one to hook you. Very violent. Very twisted. Very intense. I use that word “intense” too often, but it works. The writing is improving each week, and we’re on the cusp of some major revelations about Martin Odum. Do yourself a favor. Watch this show.

TNT: We Approved That Pistol Whipping Scene? Seriously?

Legends airs Wednesday at 8/9C on TNT.

TV Families | EW.com
Mark Harris
February 23, 1990 AT 05:00 AM EST

The Bradys are back, with a passel of 90’s hassles. Do they represent the typical American Family? Did they ever? Who does? Stare and compare!

Kind Of Family
TheBradyBunch 1969-74: Blended
The Bradys 1990-: Enormous
Married…With Children 1987-: Postnuclear
Thirtysomething 1987-: Extended
The Flintstones 1960-66: Modern Stone Age

Family Pet
The Brady Bunch: Tiger
The Bradys: Alice
Married…With Children: Buck
Thirtysomething: Grendel
The Flintstones: Dino

Typical Guest Star
The Brady Bunch: Davey Jones
The Bradys: There’s no room
Married…With Children: Sam Kinison
Thirtysomething: Carly Simon
The Flintstones: Ann Margrock

Expression Of Joy
The Brady Bunch: Groovy!
The Bradys: Ritual hugging
Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.”
Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you?
The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…”
The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been)
Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!”
Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?”
The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical Problem
The Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen.
The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed.
Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents.
Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer.
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical Solution
The Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens.
The Bradys: Bobby gets married.
Married…With Children: They hate him.
Thirtysomething: If only we knew…
The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

House Style
The Brady Bunch: Conservative but mod, circa ’69
The Bradys: Conservative but mod, circa ’90
Married…With Children: Roach motel
Thirtysomething: Enviable
The Flintstones: Suburban cave

Clothing Style
The Brady Bunch: Early Osmonds
The Bradys: Made in the USA
Married…With Children: Flammable fabrics
Thirtysomething: Eclectic earth tones; nice ties
The Flintstones: One-piece

Most Annoying Character
The Brady Bunch: Alice’s cousin Emma, the substitute housekeeper (too strict)
The Bradys: Marcia’s husband, Wally (chronically unemployable)
Married…With Children: Steve (supercilious)
Thirtysomething: Ellyn (goes through Hope’s drawers, babbles, changes hairstyle every other week, generally mistreats her friends)
The Flintstones: Mr. Slate (bossy)

Attitude Toward Sex
The Brady Bunch: Never heard of it
The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it!
Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No.
Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident.
The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses Fight
The Brady Bunch: They don’t.
The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens
Married…With Children: Tooth and nail
Thirtysomething: They stop talking
The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into Trouble
The Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette.
The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair.
Married…With Children: By committing felonies
Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket.
The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.”
The Bradys ”Next time, ask.”
Married…With Children: By the authorities
Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face.
The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For Fun
The Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon
The Bradys: Has flashbacks
Married…With Children: Exchanges insults
Thirtysomething: Talks
The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved Mysteries
The Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die?
The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair
Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use?
Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other?
The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst Behavior
The Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

The Bradys: Marcia’s son Mickey watches Bobby’s car-crash tape for fun.
Married…With Children: The Bundy’s kill their neighbor’s dog.
Thirtysomething: Elliot has an affair and talks about it.
The Flintstones: Characters don’t wear under-clothes.

Best Reason To Watch
The Brady Bunch: This is what life should be.
The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now!
Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it.
Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life.
The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To Watch
The Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses.
The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now.
Married…With Children: She has a point.
Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real.
The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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