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Make-up sex proves to be the most satisfying on 'Satisfaction'

Season 1 | Episode 7 | “…Through terms and conditions” | Aired Aug 28, 2014

You know the old cliché: There’s nothing like make-up sex. Well, unless you’re Seinfeld, who put it behind conjugal visit sex and fugitive sex (which, believe it or not, this episode also contains). Bummer, then, if you’re a couple who never fights, as we learn the Trumans are as episode 7 of Satisfaction opens. The couple next door is having a major fight (so major it wakens all three Trumans), which prompts Grace to be thankful she and Neil aren’t like that. Neil agrees, which leads to a very contradictory conversation about their problem-solving techniques.

Neil: We don’t have to have petty arguments to solve our problems, we talk them through.
Grace: You never really want to talk.
Neil: I try. You don’t always want to talk.
Grace: You don’t always listen.
Neil: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Me: Umm, you’re both liars. I’ve been watching you for SEVEN WEEKS and have never seen either one of you want to talk or listen.

Grace doesn’t want to fight (totes missing out on some great make-up sex I bet, but whatevs) and walks out. I rest my case.

Good news! Simon’s back.

hallelujahgif

Adriana and sidekick Rosalie return to Simon’s apartment, lick-slip a wedding ring on his finger and toss him in a black SUV (with Rosalie driving, of course). If, like me, you are wondering when you missed the part where Simon started working for Adriana, the answer is short: you didn’t, because he didn’t. Seems Adriana has presented him with an offer he can’t refuse (five times his usual salary!), and as their escort wagon speeds through the streets, Adriana counts out a wad of cash and she and Simon have a confusing discussion on the merits of marriage (surprise—neither one of them is a fan). Stay tuned, it’ll make sense in a minute. Sort of.

Dylan and Stephanie (who is pathetically hanging all over an obviously uninterested Dylan) pay Grace a visit to drop off a framed print of the artsy—but naked—photo Dylan took of Grace in the last episode. Grace seems embarrassed by the photo and slightly bothered by the new couple and deflects them by talking about the upcoming college visit she and Neil are taking with Anika (Rand University, Neil and Grace’s alma mater, which wouldn’t you know it, is also where Dylan went to school!).

Back at the office, Neil is still working on his happiness nap app and calls Grace to tell her he won’t be able to make the college visit, using the old “something suddenly came up” excuse. Be original, dude. Grace is pissed. Neil tells her that he’s already on thin ice by experimenting with product development and this project will get pulled if not done soon. Hold on. Doesn’t Neil work for a giant financial advisor? Regardless, they have a big, circular fight about the college visit being important, but so is the job that pays for the college and round and round it goes. Too bad Grace is leaving. It would’ve made for decent make-up sex, I bet.

When Neil is alone, Simon calls and tells him that Mallory (remember Neil’s first client? The sad, neglected wife who Neil bedded down pretending to be Simon?) wants to see him again. Oh, and BTW, he’s given her Neil’s number, which she uses to start texting Neil to “call me.” Surprisingly, he ignores it.

The next day, Neil is talking to his happiness app, which is actually answering him like a cross between Siri and Samantha from the movie “Her”. It’s beyond ridiculous. When his neighbor Lawrence (Chris Williams) comes over, Neil even gets him hooked on it…er, her? The app actually tells Lawrence to apologize to his wife. Come on. The day just gets more comically absurd when Neil keeps trying to kick Lawrence out of the house so he can work, and Lawrence invites a large group of “the guys” over to Lamda Lamda Truman. Seriously, there’re dudes floating in the pool and drinking beer and leaving their red Solo cups and bottles all over the place. Lawrence discovers the framed photo of Grace sans clothes hidden behind a cabinet and takes it out for show-and-tell with the boys. Neil, who has never seen it, is surprised. And by “surprised” I mean livid, because Grace is keeping even more secrets from him. The nerve!

satisfaction7guitarOver at Rand U, Anika quickly grows bored of her orientation tour (it’s obvious this whole college choice is so her mom’s idea) and ditches the group when new boyfriend-but-maybe-just-a-friend-with-some-benefits Mateo shows up to surprise her. The two burgeoning singer-songwriters take to the streets of wherever Rand is located and perform another totally impromptu original song, earning them the praise—and cash—of the passersby. This doesn’t look well for Anika’s chances with Rand U…or any other college for that matter. It’s like I just told my own daughter who went to college: Beware of boys with guitars.

Grace, meanwhile, finds her old favorite design professor and wouldn’t you know it, the prof not only remembers Grace’s passion and talent, but immediately decides to nominate her for a fellowship with the Design Institute of Milan! Imagine the luck!

Now we get to the part of the episode—and recap—where the conjugal sex comes in. How do we go from a University to a prison you ask? One word: Adriana. (By now that really should explain a lot.) Adriana has taken Simon to a prison and pays off a guard to get him through to see his “wife.” The lady Simon is sent to have sex with must either be very important or has paid off the prison guards very well, because her room looks nothing like the rooms of the ladies’ rooms in OITNB, not to mention the fact that she’s wearing a very decent black bra and looks like she’s recently had her eyebrows tweezed. I could go on, but the bottom line is that Simon has sex with her because her also incarcerated husband (who is also in prison for embezzling a lot of money—she was an accomplice) is funding this little soirée. Turns out she also pays to have escorts visit him. Simon is confused and acts like he’s never heard of such nonsense and madness. He can’t understand how a situation like this defines love. Hold on. Is he suddenly growing a heart? Boooo.

Back at the college town, Grace visits the bar where she used to work, and Neil suddenly storms in, pissed to all hell about that nude picture she hid from him. Grace is happy he made it after all and starts to excitedly tell him about the Milan fellowship (because history tells us that would go over well), but all Neil is there for is to rip into her about taking off her clothes for another man. I know what you may be thinking—Yes! It’s about time he confronted the little slut about Simon!—but nope. He’s apparently still cool with that. He’s just mad she took a nude (albeit artsy) photo and hid it from him. Grace is initially amused at this sudden show of any kind of emotion from her husband and then she’s enraged. Their fight quickly turns passionate, and in a move straight out of his and Adriana’s playbook from the last episode, they rip each other’s clothes off (or just uncover the necessary parts) and stumble into the bar’s restroom (gag) to have fierce sex. I’ll have to disagree with Seinfeld; from where I’m sitting, it looks like make-up sex is the most satisfying. (Although, side note to self: Do not touch the bathroom counters in public restrooms ever again.)

There’s an awkward moment when Neil and Grace walk in the dorm room on Anika and Mateo who are thisclose to having sex (fugitive sex if we go out on a limb and think of Anika as being on the run from her orientation group, which to satisfy the theme of this recap, I totally do), and after Neil does the angry-father thing, Mateo introduces himself as Anika’s boyfriend. Aww.

When the Trumans arrive back home, they interrupt Dylan and Stephanie (who are there to let the pool guy in…and to apparently have sex, which Neil and Grace seem way too cool with), and Neil retrieves the framed nude photo of Grace he’d tossed out by the garbage cans. After hanging it lovingly in their bedroom, the two lay down together for a nap and for the first time all season actually appear to care about each other. That crazy bathroom sex told them they do, I guess. When Neil gets a third (fourth?) text from Mallory, who is getting very insistent about seeing him (“I KNOW YOUR NAME NOW” she texts), he ignores it.

You know what I smell on the horizon, folks? Bunny. Boiled bunny.

Satisfaction airs Thursdays at 10/9C on USA.

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